Shamefully late update

I've been bad and not updated for weeks, I know (sorry). I am putting it down to not working for Prof Coffee any longer, and therefore not being able to spend all day on t'internet looking at www.bored.com, www.rathergood.com, www.drawapig.com etc. Poor Coffee still has no PA, muahahahahaha. Well anyway, I am now in the Resources Room, which means I am at a computer, and have internet access, and all is well with the world. Hello! Happy Christmas! Do they let you use Paint for pointless blog drawings in the Resources Room? There's only one way to find out...

So, I'm moving out of Stanway Road on Friday as my lodgees don't need a lodger any more. They have made a grave mistake! Look at the photographic(ish) evidence of my room before, during and after my living there:





The fire may have something to do with the candles in the previous picture. Of course it will be entirely accidental ;).

Ok so that was just an excuse to draw pretty (ahem) pictures. I'm bored! The Xanana's social, Wind Orchestra and Top B have all abandoned me for four weeks!!! FOUR WEEKS! I've been in the Resources Room for about 2 1/2 hours now, and I'm very surprised they haven't chucked me out...

I guess I should make some effort to go home now. Au revoir mes petits cochons d'inde :D

Shhhhh

I've been taken captive by an expert on coffee. They lock me into a room in a building filled with crazy ladies who use bumbags as handbags, Patsy Stone and Jimmy Saville. They feed me on cheese and potatoes and water. In some kind of strange sleep-deprivation-torture-esque way they wait until I am about to write a blog entry and immediately make walking-past-my-room noises so I have to minimise the window. I need mindless internet surfing! Comment me your phone number and I'll call you back from my work phone to arrange my escape, you'll know it's me by the call phrase "Switchboard? I'm calling from the CSRI, we don't have intranet access to get extension numbers ourselves, give me the number for Tony Partridge, PLEEEEASE DON'T HANG UP ON ME AND TELL ME TO LOOK ON THE INTRANET!" - tis a common phrase round these dungeons so nobody will suspect a thing. You won't have access to this secret annex of the Clinical Sciences Building but I'll pass my ID card under the door as arranged and this will should work. Just help me, somebody. Please, before Professor Coffee removes my heart for medical research.


Translation: Interviews for the new PA took place today. Nobody, not even the present receptionist with a knowledge of the building and people and experience of covering for his colleagues' PAs, was given the job. Meaning I will probably have the job for more than 1-2 months. Oh yay.

Important date for your diary

20th October = Uterus Day

(according to a leaflet I found lying around in the photocopier room).

Remember it

Oh look, a map of Gibbet Hill which I found on my computer.


It appears that Jesus has hacked into the system at the Clinical Sciences Research Insitute, Clinical Sciences Building, Clifford Bridge Road, COVENTRY, CV2 2DX with his pet sheep Derek, and named the area according to his favourite words. Ooh he is a one, that Jesus. Perhaps I will not tell Professor Coffee. Perhaps I will simply delete the picture and show Jesus once and for all that it is just not on.

For now, I will leave you with a link to a picture of a cat eating a sausage.

The Perculiarities of Time

It is days like these when I really feel that I have earned the full £2 an hour that I am paid. Yesterday went strangely quickly, which was nice. However, today has gone generally slowly, with the exception of the last half hour, which has squizzled into nothing - ah, the wonders of Pacman. I get to go home in 27 minutes, hurrah! Well, officially it would be in 55 minutes, but the Professor (according to his diary) is at a "hypertension clinic, Coventry and Warwickshire Hospital" and thus will have no work for me to do. Oh what a great great shame.

When I say I have no work to do, I am really lying, for I could go downstairs to see Evil Jimmy Saville and get some stuff from the stationary stores. However, although I'm sure he will Fix It For Me I don't think he will do so in the same way as the real Monsieur Saville. Hence the name.

Anyway the above two paragraphs were just an introduction to my main thought of the day:

I think it would be wonderful if vegetables had faces, then they could eat things.

The end.

The Animal Kingdom

"The Animal Kingdom" by Kylie Posnett

I like donkeys
I like wolves
I like pandas
I like squirrels
I like chickens
When they hatch
I like pickled dingos

But I hate ponies with a passion
People who ridicule snakes, now they really get my goat
You would think I'd take advantage of the fact that "goat" rhymes with "stoat"

But no.

For this is a poem that only occasionally rhymes
And rather an intelligent one at that
Lalalalalalaaaaaa
Bob Monkhouse, Jim Bowen, Roy Walker, cat

The Animal Kingdom is very big
Much, much larger than a fig
If you were to tell some workmen to dig
A hole big enough to fit the Animal Kingdom intoig
They wouldn't be able to make it big
Enoughig

Animals, animals, woo woo woo
Very much like God's own poo
Which is a good thing, don't you knoo?
Let's finish with a word like "zoo"

Beware the blog that has no ears!

I have made the decision that this is not another of my "I will post more often from now on, honest" posts. As they clearly don't work :). I have, however, been incredibly underworked recently (and overpaid, but let's not dwell on that as it is unarguably a rather lovely thing) so I may post much more regularly from now on. And look, my blog is scarily different! Hurrah! It is pretty and green, like some snot moulded into a tiny singing hedgehog.

Since my last post, I have been freed from the Warwick Accommodation Pit of Ming (TM) and as of Monday 26th September have been working as a PA/Secretary for Professor Francesco Cappuccio of the new Clinical Sciences Research Institute of Warwick Medical School, based at Walsgrave Hospital. "Snigger!" I hear you... erm... snigger, "Our Kylie (as you are all Liverpudlians), a PA?! She can't even brush a vole's fur without removing all of its hair!" And you would not be wrong. Also I have been punished accordingly for the vole thing, so please leave me in peace as regards that.

Now, Prof Cappuccino (as he will be referred to from now on) is part of a new group of learned individuals involved in research on... hearty blood pressure... stuff... oh I don't know, I'm not a biologist. Look at his page, and more importantly, my name - no dodgy emails though, or you die, and I lose my job, and they really couldn't do without my superb PA skills as you can imagine. Yes anyway the group is new, and consists of Prof Coffee and another lecturer, Michelle Margaret Manhattan Mole Monkey Madness Miller. That's right, two people. As a result, I have absolutely no work to do and have been driven to entertain myself in any way possible in a pokey office containing nothing but a desk, phone, computer and me. Ahem. So, the past two weeks have been taken up by the following: -

• looking at the BBC website and reading about a new species of tarantula they've discovered in Newquay
• challenging myself to find the end of my sellotape (which I will call "Franz") in record time. As you can imagine this is becoming increasingly hard and is taking up less and less time.
• looking at the BBC website and retaking the Test the Nation tests
• disassembling my pen
• looking at the BBC website and gasping in awe at the new BBC Weather Photo of the Week. This can only be done once a week.
• reassembling my pen
• going to www.boredatwork.com, which I found whilst typing random but appropriate phrases between "www." and ".com"
• going to the BBC website and immediately closing the page
• starting a blog entry and closing the window to display my emails every time I hear signs of life in the corridor outside my office. Hence the time it is taking for me to write this entry - it is now 12:05pm...
• looking in the mirror to see whether I am Jesus Christ. This needs to be done regularly.
• exploring the many possibilities for my journey home using any one of a huge selection of TWM buses
• playing with my ID badge (it pings back!)
• lining the door with cheese to lure hungry gerbils looking for a chat

If you can think of any more ideas, please let me know.

I am going to go now, but I have a strong feeling I'll be blogging again later today. For now I will leave you with some new exciting links (see sidebar). I particularly enjoy the lettuce in "Food with Faces". Hurrah and huroo.

Good afternoon, Warwick Accommodation...

My blogging resolution did not work. However I am back, with an update on my ELECTRIFYING life. You may notice some strange choices of word here. I have decided that I have been using certain words (exciting, hurrah, woohoo and wow) far too much, so in another of my ongoing efforts to put "improve me" resolutions into practise, I am going to use the Microsoft Word (TM) Thesaurus as I construct this entry.

I am currently listening to the soundtrack to

which has been a rare occurrence lately; however, I have just returned from Alex's in Rob's car, while listening to Elaine Paige's top 10 musical programme thing on Radio 2, which put me in a musical mood. With such tremendously witty lyrics as:

"ROSALIA: When I will go back to San Juan.

ANITA: When you will shut up and get gone?

ROSALIA: Everyone there will give big cheer!

ANITA: Everyone there will have moved here!" (from "America")

why was it not even in the Top 10?! I hate Elaine Paige. She is a bitch. I would like to spike her drinks with poo.

I watched "Dirty Dancing" for the second time ever the other day. I came to the conclusion that I will never be attracted to Patrick Swayze, as he mings. That is all I have to say about the film.

I have begun my summer job at Warwick Accommodation. It is messing with my mind. Not only do I greet everyone I know with "Good morning/afternoon, Warwick Accommodation", but I wake up at 3am regularly in a cold sweat having nightmare-d about being chased by hoards of prospective students wanting to sacrifice me in voodoo rituals because I could not provide them with "the 39-week let on-campus ensuite accommodation that is so important to international students". I find myself rocking backwards and forwards in my chair answering imaginary emails as described below:

"Dear Bobolinia,

Unfortunately we do not allow students' relatives to stay in off-campus accommodation during term time, but I have attached a document containing details of landlords offering short term lets (the B-list). Hope this helps.

Regards,

Kylie"

and then... brace yourself for real terror... sending the email without attaching the B-list!!! It really doesn't bear thinking about. I need to get out of this job, and soon.

So... I have decided to become a hospital dogsbody. I will be sending my CV to them shortly.

"My father is a bastard,

My ma's an S.O.B.

My grandpa's always plastered,

My grandma pushes tea.

My sister wears a mustache,

My brother wears a dress.

Goodness gracious, that's why I'm a mess!"

Oh Mr Sondheim, you are quite the wit.

New career move

Having been "unsuccessful" in my application to start a Warwick PGCE next year, I am reconsidering my career options. This is a whole new exciting opportunity for me, so I am thinking very carefully about a wide range of potential jobs. Here are a few of my ideas so far:

1. Badger Catcher




2. Toad's Hat Manufacturer (what a fantastic hat)




3. Santa Claus

(Insert picture of Nick Mann here).


4. Pat (Rosie and Jim's barge driver)




5. Mr Sandman




6. Handlebar Moustache Groomer




7. Panda




8. Sycamore Seed




9. Kazooist




10. Poncho Saleswoman





The above options prove that the world is very much my oyster. So all is well.

I hereby declare a post-exam blogging resolution

I have decided to post regularly on my blog now that my final year project (and degree, woohoo!) is over. And you'd better have started reading it again or I will be so angry that steam will start coming out of my ears, like in cartoons and such. Then you'd feel guilty. And perhaps a little scared.

Here is a poem I have written about the evils of marzipan:


Marzipan

You have a squidgy texture, and are usually a creamy yellow colour.
But worst of all, you are MARZIPAN,
Which means you taste of almonds.

Almonds are the worst of all the nuts
I really think they spoil the huts
Of people who live in such abodes
And like to make Batternbergs loads and loads

Marzipan, marzipan, woo woo woo.
Very much like almonds' poo,
Which is a bad thing, don't you knoo?

I hate you.



I do hope you like it. I may write more poems about my hatred of certain foods - I think I have a lot of experiences to draw from.

Googlewhack fun (oh and hurrah I'm back)

HOW ARE THERE 241 RESULTS IN GOOGLE FOR "MICROCHIP CHEESECLOTH?!"

It appears that microchips are used to produce tofu, which has links with cheesecloth. "Pickle electrophoresis" has 570 results. More worryingly, "hamster electrophoresis" has "about 113 000" results, and "arse electrophoresis" about 22 500. Maybe electrophoresis is not the way to go, I think. "Exclusionary poo" has "about 15 200"!!!!!!! I despair, I really do.

Google whacking makes the world seem tres bizarre.

Shoehorn

You are all very strange people...

My friends would really like to call me: is buckle.
See what your friends would really like to call you today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Name Generator Generator.

Hyeeeeeeees.

I nearly just drank a lit pillar candle instead of my drink - senile dementia setting in.

I really am trying to use my time productively. Which is scary seeing as my "day of work" has so far consisted of the following:

• 8:30am Alarm wakes me up. Turn off alarm "for another couple of hours."
• 10:30am Alarm wakes me up. Decide am still too tired. Turn off alarm for another hour.
• 11:30am Alarm wakes me up.
• 11:45am Get up. Think about getting ready within the next three hours or so. So can start to work, maybe even in the library (shock horror). Shower and get dressed.
• 12pm Begin to write monster pointless post on Pride forum.
• 1pm Receive text from Phlib: "Hey. Will be in the Music Centre for the next couple of hours if you wanted to practise" - immediately forget plans about work - loitering opportunity! Text Phil back to say will be there in 45 minutes.
• 2pm Get to practise rooms. Practise the bassline of music from "The Piano" for 2 hours.
• 4pm Decide left little finger has had enough of bassline. By coincidence Phlibib has also finished in practise rooms, I assume with his left hand tired of the bassline from "The Entertainer".
• 4:15pm Get to bus stop on campus. Notice a lack of buses till 4:28pm. Loiter in Xananas with FAKE BUT STILL £1.20 ORANGE JUICE grrrrrrrr.
• 4:28pm Miss bus so race on camel-back to Earlson.
• 5pm Home - Stare at computer screen for a while after having checked emails four times. Remember I have work to do. Interesting that. Stare at computer screen some more, until...
• 6pm Make dinner. McCain Pizza Fingers (cheese and ham), baked potato and beans. Yes I am a 7-year-old child.
• 6:20pm Eat dinner.
• 6:30pm Watch "Doctor Who" with Alex and Phil. Will work afterwards.
• 7:24pm Come upstairs to work. After checking emails five times. And blogging. Oh and checking is there is some way of creating an exciting new MSN name by putting "generator" into Google (which there is).
• 8pm Battle a herd of invading badgers using parsnips, their biggest enemies. N.B. This is a prediction. It is only 7:56pm.

Yes so my finals are in less than two weeks. Time to tidy my room methinks...

To the Grand High Badger

Grand High Badger

Badgers Incorporated

Maybe-a-rodent-I'm-not-sure Drive

Badgerville Industrial Park

Badgerville

Badgerworld

Dear Grand High Badger,

I arrived at my father's approximately an hour ago specifically so that I could chat to people (not badgers) on MSN for a short while. Imagine my dismay to find that MSN was not allowing me to connect! I pressed "help" and found that the service was "not available". Usually I would put this down to MSN being unavailable, but recently I have noticed that I am hearing rather more growly noises and seeing rather more strangely badger-like pawprints around the streets of Leicester. Intriguing.

What is more, earlier today my brother went to get a towel out of the airing cupboard and out flew a "bee". Only it was a very big bee. Very big. And it was "buzzing" (or perhaps, Mr Grand High Badger, "GROWLING?!") very loudly. I put it to you, so-called "GHB", that this was not a bee, but a FLYING BADGER planted there to kill me off once and for all. It has not escaped my attention that the acronym of your title is an anagram of "GBH". And it is nearly "GHD", like the range of hair products.

The evidence is mounting in my favour. My phone has died, meaning that I lose all of my pictures and videos of unsuspecting victims talking about Jesus and miming sexual practises. I noticed that several of these pictures showed badgers in the background - COINCIDENCE???! Strange that these pieces of vital evidence should suddenly be unobtainable. Also the straw to my orange juice carton broke yesterday, preventing me from drinking essential orange juice and causing me to nearly die. COINCIDENCE???! I think not.

If I were you, GHB, I would seriously consider withdrawing your badgers from my life and targeting someone who deserves it, Mr Motivator perhaps. Either that or you will be hearing from my lawyers. Or my fish Bob. I don't know which. I haven't decided yet. But sort it - and soon.

Yours sincerely



Kylie Posnett
Badgerwatch

My exciting life since being home

Well, what can I say? I have had the most eventful of weekends. On Saturday, I went badger racing with Bob the Rainbow Trout. My badger, Stan Weaselfact, came third. Being a fish, and so having no money, Bob did not have a badger. Of course I would have loved for Stan to have won, but he was feeling slightly under the weather what with the copious alcohol consumption the night before and the flu he caught from Bob Carolgees. I've changed his trainer recently too so hopefully his technique will improve no end in the near future.

After the badger racing, I took Bob shopping on Fosse Park in Leicester to buy him a twinset. Then we went for a KFC where he had a Twister meal and I had a Crispy Strips meal. All this meant we missed the Stars in their Eyes Live Grand Final but you can't do everything.

Yesterday I force-fed Bob chocolate eggs through his stupid little fishy mouth. He didn't have time to chew and digest the food so he was left with pointy shapes protruding from his body from the pieces of broken egg. One of them punctured his skin so we had to take him to casualty. He had a few stitches but he is ok now. It clearly didn't leave enough time for much else that day so I put him to bed and watched "Most Haunted - Scare the Nation" from 10pm-1am. It's probably a good thing he was in bed at the time actually - usually when he watches Most Haunted with me he ends up levitating, shouting "WoooooooOOOOOOOAAAAAAHHHHHHH" and flying across the room, sometimes into nextdoor's front room if the windows are open. I find repeating "The power of Christ compels you" solves the problem, but you know, it's still a bit of an inconvenience when it happens all the same.

Today I am setting up a new religion called Wristianity. The main figure of worship will be Xod, who had a son called Geesus Wrist. There was this giant gerbil, who had previously frozen while doing star jumps thus remaining in a cross shape. Geesus Wrist jumped on the frozen gerbil when he wanted a hug and got stuck because of the ice, according to the Wible that is.

That was my weekend. Ish.

Haldo...

http://homestarrunner.com/disk4of12.html

I am back! Since I have last posted, I am sure most of (the two of) you will know that I have been doing a school placement in Leamington this week. What you also now know, seeing as I will be likely to have told you in person by the time you read this, is that I should be there now. And I should have been there yesterday. Yes, I am a terrible person. But while yesterday I was mainly being lazy, today I actually do feel quite ill. Despite this, I got up at 6:45 and got ready on time and everything, then I left the house (early I hasten to add) and the bus was just leaving the bus stop! I blame the badgers for that one.

So, I did think, "I will be too late for the first lesson. I will catch the bus in an hour for the second lesson." Guess what? THOSE DAMN BADGERS!!! I swear it was the Grand High Badger drivng the second Leamington bus out of my reach, growling as he went, like this: "GRRRRRRRRR." Seeing as it was only a three-lesson day today, I thought it would be stupid to do the hour journey to Sydenham, spend what would be 45 minutes in a lesson, and travel for an hour back to campus. Stupid. Instead I think I will call them after Easter and arrange to spend a few more days there post-finals.

Anyway must go, if I don't eat soon I think I might just faint. I will post more on my school experiences soon I hope.

Le Boomerang xxx

Hmmmm

My polls have been deleted from my Pollhost account! There's only one way to rectify that situation...

Flu of the brain

Anyone know of a nearby big field where I can go and scream?

Playing badminton with chipmunks

Wahey, we just got back from badminton, or negativepottery as I like to call it. Twas beaucoup de fun. As was the Pride quiz at Kelsey's last night - we came second, woohoo! Weehead Bear now has pride (hoho) of place on one of the speakers in our living room, so everyone will know that we are the (second) best. We only came second because WASS cheated (please don't stab me to death Carl ;-)). Yes anyway it was very entertaining, and pretty barmen too, what more could I ask for?

I have to go to to a school in North Leamington tomorrow for a day of lesson observations. Scary thought. I imagine the pupils to be something like this:

Hopefully they will not pounce on me like rabid fish. Who knows what will happen? Woooooooooooooo. Everyone must come to Bows tomorrow to help me get over what is sure to be a day of trauma :-D since we will be Ciaran and Phil down.

I really do like badgers, and Damien Rice.

A story

Once there was a tired person called Lylie. One day she was very tired and bored and just did not know what to do, so she decided to write a story about someone completely unrelated to keep herself occupied. It was snowing so she couldn't be bothered to walk away from Bibbet Lill to see if there would be any of her friends eating lunch on Lentil Kampus - it was cold and she had tried to do that before but there was never anyone there on a Wednesday. Also, she was about to get free (if disgusting) food from a meeting at Bibbet Lill which would allow money saving cunningness. "INTRIGUING!!!" she thought. Then she realised it was 12:54 and time to go to the meeting, so she signed off from Frogger, her webfrog supplier thingy, and went away until probably Friday which was her friend Rearan's birthday.

The end.

Business!

In the busy sense of the word. I have sooo many things to do this week. I am sure you are expecting me to explain. I know how much you people(/person) love to hear about me and my life and all its excitement, of which there is loads. Absolutely tons. Sometimes I think my life is just so exciting it could fill a huge container for excitement, the biggest you could buy, and it would just explode with all the excitement. So, here goes.

• Tomorrow: lectures, Xananas and Wind Orchestra concert (woohoo) followed hopefully by the Uppermost of Yellow Fruits. Busy busy busy. Like a bee (which incidentally I hate) or a very busy business child.

I am growing very fond of posting pictures. Anyway.

• Tuesday: ok nowt except lectures. Let's call it the day of suspense leading up to subsequent days of excitement. A day of subdued excitement if you will.

• Wednesday: Lectures and SSLC! I haven't been to SSLC since the 1st meeting of last term hehehe. Oh and Clarinet Choir and Octet too. I am soooo musical I think I might be a musical cockroach.

• Thursday: Lectures. Hopefully followed by the arrival of my cousin Laura, who will come to Bows and NOT the BDSM talk ;-) and stay for Ciaran's day of birth.
  
  
• Friday: My last day of Biol Sci lectures ever! And Clarinet Choir lunchtime concert at University House. And National Ciaran Day, hurrah! www.ciarannaked.com

Yes so in conclusion I have no time for work and will probably fail my final year project miserably. Oh well never mind eh. Socialising is far more important. Am I not the biggest party animal ever?

My insect experiences

Today I have spent some time thinking about insects. Some insects are good, and some insects are bad. Here I will detail past experiences that have led me to want to adopt some insects, and the ways in which I have terminated the lives of other insects that I consider(ed) irritating or EVIL in some way.

Ants

Ants eh? I spent a small proportion of my childhood drowning ants en masse with mon frere. This was in the days of setting up a Grand National course (buckets, washing line poles propped against a wall as fences, those were the days) in the garden on Grand National day and galloping/tripping over the various obstacles before betting all our pocket money on horses that fell at the first fence. Hmmm. Then one day I realised drowning ants was wrong, and stopped.

Silverfish

Why are they called this? Because they are very small fish with legs, that is why. You would think therefore that I would love this particular species of insect, but no! The only place I have ever seen a silverfish is in my bed, and fish do not belong in beds. They belong in ponds and in the sea. I have never killed a silverfish as they run very quickly but if I could i would destroy them all with tiny cotton thread nooses in a large-scale silverfish-hanging ceremony.

Ladybirds

The friendliest beetle of them all. When I was in nursery I was doing a project on "minibeasts" and I wrote about a ladybird I saw in the post office. It was licking stamps for a lady with a genetic inability to produce saliva, how nice is that? I love ladybirds. What's that, your ladybird has died? I've got a ladybird. I don't know what I would do without my ladybird.

Bluebottles, wasps, moths and bees

DIE!!!!!!!!

Drosophila (melanogaster)

We have a love-hate relationship. They have disgusting larvae. I will never quite forget the joy(!) of watching the larval guts explode through a microscope while pulling one apart using two pairs of forceps. However, it is the only insect I have ever been able to observe with an extra pair of legs instead of antennae (as a mutation, not in a normal fly, silly), and for that I am truly grateful.

Locusts

After a dissection experiment all I can think about when the name "locust" is mentioned is the sight of an open-chested, beheaded locust still hopping on the lab bench.

Yay for picture posting!

So there you have it. Insects. Wahey.

Now that's what I call a birthday present...

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh.

Ok I'm in trouble

My project supervisor is the most evil person I've ever met! I sent her an email saying "I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing this term, can you tell me what deadlines I have to meet please?" and we arranged to meet this lunchtime. She was so nasty to me! The first thing she said was:

"You ask me do you have to do anything this term? OF COURSE YOU DO! What were you thinking?"

Then I cowered in the corner like a... chicken and she proceeded to explain why I was incompetent and was going to make a terrible job on my final year project. She said:

"Are you good at using computers?"

and I said:

"Um, not sure, I'm ok I suppose."

and then she said:

"THEN WHY DID YOU CHOOSE THIS PROJECT?!"

and with an evil evil stare she explained how difficult the project I'd chosen was going to be. She started talking about how I had to give a report of what I was going to do by the end of this term and expressed her disgust that I hadn't "read through all the blurb we give you" when I said I didn't know anything about this. They hadn't sent me anything! The bitch! All it would have taken is to tell me what I needed to do and when by, she didn't need to completely undermine my confidence in my ability to do anything related to my degree. Because that's what she has done. Damn the Vlad! She must die! Now I will go and mope and feel useless and generally rubbish. Grrrrrrrr.

Spoons

Spoons are wonderful things. They are shiny most of the time. And made of stainless steel. But the most wonderful thing about spoons is that they can be used to eat both main courses and puddings. Wonderful, marvellous spoons.

Scary

I have been thinking a lot more recently about how I might not be here next year. It makes me very sad :-(. I really really hope I get onto the PGCE course, I'm hoping I've not left it too late, otherwise I'll have to leave you all and I don't think I could live without the friends I've made here. I don't talk about it much because it upsets me. Boo hoo, it is not a nice thought at all! Oh well, hopefully see you at Bows tomorrow.

Experiment...

Does this work?

If so this line will start a new paragraph.

Yay and nay

I just got a phone call from Campion School (in Sydenham, damn it) saying I could do lesson observations there! For a week! Which means now I have enough soon-to-be experience to go on to apply for my PGCE at last! I've arranged to go in the first week of the easter holidays, so some of you people better be around then or I'll get very bored... But anyway, hurrah! Exclamation mark!

I don't know quite what's going on with my blog, it is evil. Anyway if you are looking for exciting discussion (and links to lesbian porn :-S) go to Carl's blog. It is sure to become a masterpiece.

The Archer's and Lemonade Song

Today in Xanana's I decided there weren't enough songs about Archer's and Lemonade. There are apparently songs about pina coladas and champagne, so I thought I'd put right the wrongs in the world by writing a song (with the help of various Xanana's people including Carl and Peter), hopefully in doing so bringing world peace. It is called "The Archer's and Lemonade Song" and is sung to the tune of "Oom Pah Pah" from "Oliver!" Here it is:

I love Archer's and lemonade
I want to include the fire brigade
If I don't then I won't get paid
Because they commissioned this song.

CHORUS:
Arch-chers, Arch-chers, lemonade
Arch-chers, Arch-chers, Fire Brigade
Arch-chers, Arch-chers, I'm getting paid
To mention the fire brigade.

I like to stir it with a spoooon
It makes me feel I'm on the moooon
Which I shaln't compare to a balloooon
Because this is an overused cliche.

CHORUS

I tried to bake it in a flan
During my time as a chef in Japan
It incurred the wrath of the Emperor's gran
So I was condemned to death by cheese.

CHORUS

Drowning in cheese for many a week
They provided a salad of carrot and leek
When mixed with our drink the effects are unique
That's why I love Archer's and lemonade.

CHORUS

I think it's a Eurovision hit.

My ears hurt...

...it really isn't fun to listen to Ciaran singing "Can't liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive if living is without yooooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuu"

The varied tastes of Cov Mansion residents

I have been procrastinating for five hours now. I'm just too tired to do any work - yes, I should have had a nap or started doing at least some work, but I didn't. So I'm going to try and do an hour or so's work and then go to bed so I can get up early in the morn. And it will work, damn it!

Now I don't have any problems with Moulin Rouge or the Phantom of the Opera, but when you are exposed to repeats of "Come What May" and the theme from the Phantom of the Opera for weeks and weeks on end two rooms away, it does make you want to set fire to butterflies and snap the necks of cuddly kittens until the pain goes away. Alex has played nothing else for months. Except a song by Betty Boop, the Star Wars theme and the most irritating noise-for-the-sake-of-noise that I cannot put into words. Please, somebody help me before I REMOVE HIS TESTICLES WITH A MACHETE.

Nighty night x

I'm feeling all philosophical...

I have just spent the past hour on the Warwick Blogs website - almost all of them have the most boring of names - Bob's Blog/Rumpelstiltskin's Blog etc. I am once again considering moving to Warwick Blogs, or at least doing a sideline Warwick Blog. Hmmm.

It strikes me as un peu bizarre that there are people I know who know other people I know without me knowing that they know those people. If you know what I mean. I was just thinking about the whole "six degrees of separation" thing (i.e. there is an average of six friends-of-friends-of-friends etc between you and any other person on earth). I wonder how it differs if you take Warwick students alone. Tis tres interessant to think about. Well I think it is anyway.

Damn essays. And washing up. And having both of these to do when I am tired. And the schools I've emailed asking if I can observe their lessons who rudely haven't replied at all. Oh no and now I've missed Neighbours too. And I am incredibly bored because for some reason there is nobody here! Mneh.

Oh by the way, if anyone wants me to link to them let me know - I realise my links are very out of date :-P.

Hurrah!

In an effort to avoid working (I really must stop doing that) I have looked again at my final year project summary sheet - and it's so much better than I thought it would be! One of the exciting things is that I have to read a 200-page book about the Human Genome Project. I know. Isn't it fabulous? Well I think it is, it looks like a popular science book rather than a book written by people who are really knowledgeable about Biology, like me :-P I'm sure I'll get really sick of all the reading after a while but once I've done it I'll feel like I've achieved something, which isn't a feeling I've experienced very often on this course. Also in my 30 minute seminar it says I have to do a practical demonstration, which I didn't look into too much and thought it meant a proper lab demonstration being the silly person I am. BUT all I have to do is show people how to use the online databases. Hurrah! I'm even starting to get enthusiastic about the whole thing (this will wear off). Now I';m going to my Protein Targeting lecture. The lecturer is Caroline Quentin so I must not be late :-).

Name that shoe!

I am procrastinating and so I have decided to name some of my shoes after characters in Neighbours.

• Lyn Scully - My brown boots, because they are old and in need of a polish. And they steal from the Coffee Shop.
• Sindi Watts - My pink sparkly pointy shoes, because they are girly. And because they were once a stripper in a club in Australia.
• Summer/Izzy Hoyland (I couldn't decide) - My flat red shoes, because they could quite easily be worn by a young child, and they are bitches in that they cut my feet up every time I wear them. Also they were pregnant with Gus's baby but recently miscarried.
• Liljana Bishop - my black boots, because they are older than they look and because they look like a racoon with long hair.
• Harold Bishop - My black sandals with diamante bee because they can play the tuba and disgust everyone when they talk about sex.
• Serena Bishop and Luka Dokich - My new black sequin-y shoes and my skechers, because they had an incestuous relationship together.

I invite you to name your pairs of shoes (or pair for Ciaran) after your favourite soap characters.

Confusementation and general annoyance

I am in one of those moods where I feel like there is loads to do but I'm just too tired and drained to do it. I got my final year project sheet back today, and it looks much less suited to me than I thought it was. I think I'll find it dull and hard. That and other things. So basically, waaaaah. However, as I do not feel that a blog - well, my blog anyway - is a place for moping-like language, I will try my best not to depress you all. Who knows, it might even cheer me up.

I went to a PGCE open day yesterday and it has made me think that either of the following is true:

1. I am not going to get onto the course and if I do I will hate it because of the long hours and the fact that I am rubbish at standing up and talking in front of people.
2. I want to be a teacher and it would be really good for me to do the course because it would change me for the better as a person.

What's a penguin to do? It's madness, it's carpets, it's carpet madness! We went to this school where a lot of the Warwick PGCE lesson observations are done and they had a special room with live video footage from a nearby classroom, so we could watch what was going on in the lesson. It doesn't sound that exciting, but it was quite strange to think that could be me in about a year and a half, and watching what happened was really interesting. Oh I don't know. I wish I was a potato, then I'd have nothing at all to worry about.

A Sad Little Story

Recent sources (that I will not mention ;-)) have led me to short story/poem writing. I.e. I am bored and supposed to be at SSLC, but let's gloss over that. So here goes...

There were once some gnus
Who loved to make shoes
They wore plastic aprons
And nothing rhymes with aprons.

They used all kinds of things
From leather to strings
So the children could play
In the garden all day
Hip hip hooray!

Everyone loved the gnus
But one day they all died.

The end.

Dilemma

Ok so there's this chicken right, and he loves chips. In fact he would choose chips over daddy any day. He goes to this restaurant with his friends (who aren't chickens) and he really wants to get some chips. Why? Because he loves them. BUT, and here comes the dilemma, the only thing they have with chips in it is Chicken and Chips Extravaganza. There are no side orders of chips, but if he chose the Chicken and Chips Extravaganza, his friends would call him Cannibal Keith. Now bear in mind that this chicken needs chips like he needs chicken feed, which is a lot.

Does he eat the Chicken and Chips Extravaganza, risking ridicule and having to live with the knowledge that he's consumed one of his friends (cos all chickens are friends with all other chickens) or does he have pizza instead and have a terrible night out?

The Learning Triangle

http://www.somethingawful.com/learning_triangle/index.htm

Ooh, yummy pizza goodness (discuss)

I am waiting for my Goodfellas four cheese pizza to cook so I can enjoy its melted-cheese-y loveliness while I watch Neighbours, hoho. May I just take this opportunity to pay homage to the wonder that is the Pizza Hut Chicken Feast (deep pan of course)? It annoys me quite a lot that there is no three cheese/chicken combo equivalent pizza in the shops, as I love it so. "Kylie, why don't you just take a four cheese pizza and sprinkle roast chicken pieces over it, thus creating a pizza of chickeny cheesy delight just like that you so adore at Pizza Hut?" I hear you cry. Well, there are three answers: 1) I can't be bothered to cut up chicken, 2) chicken is expensive and 3) it wouldn't be the same, you silly people! Also, there are those that believe in a superiority of Pizza Express over Pizza Hut - I tell them they are WRONG as the day is LONG. Pizza Express does not have a chicken feast equivalent, is more expensive and does not do deep pan pizzas. So that's that cleared up, I'm going to get my pizza out of the oven.

Hello hello

Hello, it is me.

I am hoping that the few people who read my blog have not given up on me due to my lack of internet. Anyway for those people still with me, I hope you had a magnificent and tremendous Christmas/New Year. The bad news is that the neighbour we thought was dead came back over Christmas, although so far he hasn't kept me awake with Radio Leicester like he did for the few weeks he was there at the start of last term. Ok that might all have sounded a bit mean, but I don't actually want him to die. I just want him to go away. He can stay there over the holidays when I'm not living here, but he should be elsewhere at all other times. That's not too much to ask is it?

At home in Leicester the people who run the brothel next door left for a few days, and then the police came to us to say they were monitoring the house in case they came back and changing the locks. Then the pimps and whores returned and waited in their car outside (presumably because they couldn't get in hehehe) and we rang the police, it was all very exciting like an exciting film or some other exciting thing. The brothel people left the car before the police could arrive but the next time we looked there were police cars parked outside the house and the brothel car had gone, woooh.

So in conclusion my recent experiences have been slightly bonkers.