The Crap Pianist Rag: A Howmarge to Mr Hilmolius Jaiden and Such

Evil Pie Factory

Cat

Muncky

Cow

Archer's and Lemonade: Reprise

Hello, Terry Nutkins. Today we went to the pub (or "pib" as I originally typed and corrected) and had some numnum. Me and Chris and Blair were there. My chicken club sandwich without the mayonnaise or tomato was just spiffing, and we had lots of fun on the games machine with Ant and Dec. Not the sexual kind. Eew. Then we went to Merry Hill (that shopping centre of glory with the Hotel Chocolat which I have yet to buy stuff from due to a lack of pennies since I moved here) and noticed a man with a fake bottom and bought hats and chewing gum and drinks. I tried on some sunglasses that made me look like Cliff Richard. I decided against buying them.

I am drinking Archers Aqua. I like drinking Archers Aqua. Is that Aqua of Mr Archer, or Aqua of Mr Archers? I need to know because I need to know where to put the apostrophe. Please do tell me if you know. Anyway, it is nice, although it has small bits of orange floating in it as I had orange juice in the same glass earlier. It all adds to the texture. In tribute to its wonder, I have decided to re-post mine and Carl's old hit, the Archers and Lemonade Song. Which looking at what I've pasted below would imply that Archers is, in fact, the Aqua of Mr Archer. Problem solved.


The Archer's and Lemonade Song by Kylie Posnett and Carl Beasley (to be sung to the tune of "Oom Pah Pah" from the musical "Oliver!")


I love Archer's and lemonade
I want to include the fire brigade
If I don't then I won't get paid
Because they commissioned this song.

CHORUS:
Arch-chers, Arch-chers, lemonade
Arch-chers, Arch-chers, Fire Brigade
Arch-chers, Arch-chers, I'm getting paid
To mention the fire brigade.

I like to stir it with a spoooon
It makes me feel I'm on the moooon
Which I shaln't compare to a balloooon
Because this is an overused cliche.

CHORUS

I tried to bake it in a flan
During my time as a chef in Japan
It incurred the wrath of the Emperor's gran
So I was condemned to death by cheese.

CHORUS

Drowning in cheese for many a week
They provided a salad of carrot and leek
When mixed with our drink the effects are unique
That's why I love Archer's and lemonade.

CHORUS


Hurrah! I'm off to drink Archer's Aqua and get ready for a probable trip to old Wolver-o-hampton town-city. Goodbye, Mr and Mrs Angrykitten.

For Christ's sake, eat a bloody egg

My Autobiography

1.Where did you take your main pic?
The Royal London, a jolly Scream pub in Wolver-o-hampton. We go there A LOT.

2.What exactly are you wearing right now?
A blue flowery skirt and a green stripy top. They clash and I am ashamed.

3.What is your current problem?
Until today it was a lack of job and money, but I start a new one (albeit a £5.75 ph one) on Monday so it should sort itself out soon. I need some NHS person to give me a job. Then everything will be good.

4.What makes you happy most?
Chris and Mars Ice Creams and having lots of people and places to visit and having escaped from a rut. I miss people in Coventry lots but my mental health has improved. I was a nutbox before.

5.What's the name of the song that you're listening to?
It's called "Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" and it's by The Freezer.

6.Any celeb you would marry...
Penelope Keith

7.Name someone with the same birthday as you?
Julie off of Biological Sciences! Also apparently St John the Baptist was beheaded on my birthday.

8.Ever sang in front of a large audience?
In choir yes. I did Verdi's Requiem and a musical about coffee called Arabica at the De Montfort Hall.

9. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
Someone evil once compared me to Avril Lavigne for some reason. I think it was because my hair was all one length and dull.

10.Do you still watch kiddy movies or kiddie TV shows?
I watched a rip-off of Dora the Explorer when I was at Chris' dad's on Sunday. It taught me all about sharks and how to identify different species. Not like back in my day...

11. Do you speak any languages?
Oui. Je suis un bureau de change.

12. Has anyone you've been really close with passed away?
Only when I was little.

13.Do you ever watch MTV?
Sometimes.

14.What's something that really annoys you?
Up-themselves bosses (grrr).


Chapter 1:
===============
1.Middle name (s):
Amanda.

2.Nickname(s):
Plastic Dog, Chien au Plastique, Baby Duck...

3.Current location:
The kitchen/armchair and garden chair and computer room

4.Eye color:
Hazel

Chapter 2:
===============

1.Do you live with your parent(s):
No

2.Do you get along with your parent(s):
Yes

3.Are your parents married/separated/divorced
Separated.

4.Do you have any Siblings?:
1 brother and 1 half brother

Chapter 3: Favorites
===============
1. Ice Cream:
Phish Food!

2. Season:
Summer


Chapter 4: Do You..
===============
1. Dance in the shower?
No, that would be weird.

2.Do you write on your hand?
I sometimes draw smily faces on my hand without realising it.

3.Call people back:
When I can.

4.Believe in love:
Yes!

6. Any bad habits
I molt. But that's not my fault. Salt.

7. Any mental health issues:
Quite a few :)


Chapter 5: Have You..
===============
1.Broken a bone:
No

2.Sprained stuff:
No

3.Had physical therapy:
*sigh* no

5.Taken painkillers:
Lots. I'm not addicted or anything...

6. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling:
No

7.Been stung by a bee:
I was stung by a wasp. It was totally unprovoked. The bastard.

8.Thrown up at the dentist:
No, I might do soon though. I have a black hole in my tooth (not the vacuum-ous kind) and I don't like the thought of what he's going to do about it.

9.Sworn in front of your parents:
Accidentally.

10. Had detention:
Yes, for being late to assembly.

11.Been called a hoe:
One too many times...

Chaper 6: Who/What was the last
===============
1.Movie(s):
Shaun of the Dead I think.

2.Person to text you:
Christophus

3.Person you called:
My dad.

4.Person you hugged
Jinx (the Cat)

5.Person you tackled:
I don't play rugby

6. Person you talked to on IM?
I haven't signed in for yonks. Maybe Esther.

7.Thing you touched:
My phone to see who I called last

8. Thing you ate?
A lovely Red Leicester cheese sandwich. It really is a superior cheese.

9.Thing you drank:
Diet coke (the boycott went out of the window temporarily)

10.Thing you said:
"Meow", to Jinx.

A wasp bastard

Meme meme meme, la la la la la

1. What ended your last relationship?
An argument about fish. And the fact that he was a bat. It was never going to work...

2. What were you doing at midnight last night?
I was at Rebellion grooving and losing my passport and drinking from a lovely pink cup.

3. What were you doing this morning at 8am?
Waking up with a biiig hangover.

4. First thought after waking up this morning?
POJWRNVHSfkJFHweiulcnytilsvnggslrNooooooooooooooooooooooo! I feel very dizzy!

5. Are you any good at math?
I got an A at A-Level. The easiness of Decision helped me with that. I seem to remember something about a Chinese postman.

6. Prom night?
Alas, our college never had a prom.

7. Do you have any famous ancestors?
No

8. Have you ever taken out a loan to pay for school?
Yes, bloody thing

9. Do you know the words to the song on your myspace profile?
Yes I do.

10. Last thing received in the mail?
My timesheet, I believe.

11. How many different beverages have you drank today?
Hmm, let's see... I had water in the morning, a J2O at the pub and some squash. I decided against hair of the dog.

12. Do you ever leave messages on people's answering phones?
Sometimes. I hate doing that though.

13. Ever been in love?
As of 2nd December 2006, yes.

14. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
Haven't been to the beach since, oh, 1963.

15. What cell phone provider do you have?
Vodaphone.

!16.Where is your most favourite place in the world?
Bed.

17. Do you have any plans for tonight?
Blair is over and we are all going to have fishfinger sandwiches and Party Babies (to eat, not give birth to) and watch telly-o-vision. Hurrah.

18. Do you like the ocean?
Yes, when I'm not in it.

19. Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different popcorn?
What are you rambling on about, you Raccoon of Mystique?

20. Have you ever been to a planetarium?
YES! I went to the one next to Madame Tussaud's when I was a wee tyke. Twas a jolly place.

21. Something you are excited about?
The coming weekend and chillin' and David J's party and Chris not having to go to work and stuff.

22. What is your favorite flavour of jelly?
Raspberry and Jesus.

23. Are any of your great grandparents alive?
No, and I have but one grandparent left, Grandmama in Walestown. My mother calls her the wicked witch of the west and she used to say she came to visit on a broomstick. She is nice really, if a bit Dougal-esque :)

24. Describe your keys:
I borrow Chris's keys. We need to get a new one cut. Then I will attach Bob the Rainbow Trout and all will be well with the world.

25. Where do you keep your change?
In my purse, you pillock.

26. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people?
My lecture for my final year project I think. Ooooh that was scary

27. What kind of winter coat do you have?
A big black one with buttons that fall off and a ripped lining. I need a new coat.

28. What was the weather like on your graduation?
It was very sunny, with sun and sunshine and light and the usual things that come with the sun.

29. Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed?
Even if it's closed Jinx opens it to wake us up. We can't win really.