As you are no doubt aware, our good friend Jonathan Carl Chappelllellelelleeellelelle is soon to bugger off to China for a year. May Jesus rest his soul and give him the strength to learn to fly with the Chinese otters of success. Here is a biographical epic that I have penned for the occasion. And all because the lady loves it really. Jonathan Chappell, THIS IS YOUR LIFE...
Jonathan Carl Petunia Scrotum Chappell was born on 1 January (like all horses) (not that he is a horse, that's not what I'm trying to say) in 1997 at Nuttal Memorial Hospital, Kingston, Jamaica to Barbara and Kenneth Chappell - best known for a series of tribute dolls in their image popular in the late 50s.
Jonathan Carl Petunia Scrotum Chappell was born on 1 January (like all horses) (not that he is a horse, that's not what I'm trying to say) in 1997 at Nuttal Memorial Hospital, Kingston, Jamaica to Barbara and Kenneth Chappell - best known for a series of tribute dolls in their image popular in the late 50s.
The happy couple were later shot dead and little Jon was parented by the wolves for several years before he was taken in by those he now calls his parents, who discovered him while out wolf shopping on holiday when Jon was 7.
At an early age - well it's still early I know, but earlier than now - Jon found that he had within him a burning passion to dance. Scottish reels, line dancing, just jumping up and down, you name it, Jon did it. Horace, his kind wolf-mother-guardian-thing, took time out of her busy career as a nail technician to take Jon to his daily dance classes in the ocean where Jon danced the night away with his fellow dance enthusiast animal friends. Every available minute was spent in the water, explaining Jon's development of a fine set of (invisible) gills and fins and his unfortunate lack of ability to dance on dry land.
However, dancing was not his only passion...
One day, our Chappellular friend found that he was looking at the world in a different light. "Why do we have nail cuticles?" he pondered. "Why don't you ever see a monkey having a period?" Horace was of course unable to provide suitable answers to these questions, leaving Jon frustrated and hungry for further knowledge. Jon knew that he was onto something.
The wolves were overjoyed when they heard the news that Jon was applying for a batchelors' degree in Lupine Philosophy at the University of Warwick, and up until the successful completion of his course Jon was sponsored by The Jamaican Wolf Child Institute for Pointless Degrees. Don't try and argue with that Jon, I've seen your records at work :). When the Institute compared the two main first degrees available from Warwick's Philosophy department (BA Bog-Standard Philosophy and BA Lupine Philosophy), Lupine Philosophy was deemed "too relevant" to human life and as such Jon's sponsor insisted that he take the first of the two options. Which he did, although reluctantly. And what a life choice it was, for it was while studying at Warwick that Jon learned that time goes forward and not backwards as he had once believed.
Today, at the young whippersnapper age of 9, CoOp sales assistants nationwide are still asking to see Jon's photograph and life history in the form of his passport. This surely can only be down to the joy they feel when reminded of his amazing story. The happiness exhibited in Jon's expression when such individuals decline alcohol on the basis that it is not worthy to pass through His hands is quite something to behold, and an experience few of us will forget in a hurry.
BEHOLD, JONATHAN CARL CHAPPELL AND HIS LIFE OF WONDER!
(Can we have the Gamecube back please? You won't have time to play it in China ;).)
