To the Grand High Badger

Grand High Badger

Badgers Incorporated

Maybe-a-rodent-I'm-not-sure Drive

Badgerville Industrial Park

Badgerville

Badgerworld

Dear Grand High Badger,

I arrived at my father's approximately an hour ago specifically so that I could chat to people (not badgers) on MSN for a short while. Imagine my dismay to find that MSN was not allowing me to connect! I pressed "help" and found that the service was "not available". Usually I would put this down to MSN being unavailable, but recently I have noticed that I am hearing rather more growly noises and seeing rather more strangely badger-like pawprints around the streets of Leicester. Intriguing.

What is more, earlier today my brother went to get a towel out of the airing cupboard and out flew a "bee". Only it was a very big bee. Very big. And it was "buzzing" (or perhaps, Mr Grand High Badger, "GROWLING?!") very loudly. I put it to you, so-called "GHB", that this was not a bee, but a FLYING BADGER planted there to kill me off once and for all. It has not escaped my attention that the acronym of your title is an anagram of "GBH". And it is nearly "GHD", like the range of hair products.

The evidence is mounting in my favour. My phone has died, meaning that I lose all of my pictures and videos of unsuspecting victims talking about Jesus and miming sexual practises. I noticed that several of these pictures showed badgers in the background - COINCIDENCE???! Strange that these pieces of vital evidence should suddenly be unobtainable. Also the straw to my orange juice carton broke yesterday, preventing me from drinking essential orange juice and causing me to nearly die. COINCIDENCE???! I think not.

If I were you, GHB, I would seriously consider withdrawing your badgers from my life and targeting someone who deserves it, Mr Motivator perhaps. Either that or you will be hearing from my lawyers. Or my fish Bob. I don't know which. I haven't decided yet. But sort it - and soon.

Yours sincerely



Kylie Posnett
Badgerwatch

My exciting life since being home

Well, what can I say? I have had the most eventful of weekends. On Saturday, I went badger racing with Bob the Rainbow Trout. My badger, Stan Weaselfact, came third. Being a fish, and so having no money, Bob did not have a badger. Of course I would have loved for Stan to have won, but he was feeling slightly under the weather what with the copious alcohol consumption the night before and the flu he caught from Bob Carolgees. I've changed his trainer recently too so hopefully his technique will improve no end in the near future.

After the badger racing, I took Bob shopping on Fosse Park in Leicester to buy him a twinset. Then we went for a KFC where he had a Twister meal and I had a Crispy Strips meal. All this meant we missed the Stars in their Eyes Live Grand Final but you can't do everything.

Yesterday I force-fed Bob chocolate eggs through his stupid little fishy mouth. He didn't have time to chew and digest the food so he was left with pointy shapes protruding from his body from the pieces of broken egg. One of them punctured his skin so we had to take him to casualty. He had a few stitches but he is ok now. It clearly didn't leave enough time for much else that day so I put him to bed and watched "Most Haunted - Scare the Nation" from 10pm-1am. It's probably a good thing he was in bed at the time actually - usually when he watches Most Haunted with me he ends up levitating, shouting "WoooooooOOOOOOOAAAAAAHHHHHHH" and flying across the room, sometimes into nextdoor's front room if the windows are open. I find repeating "The power of Christ compels you" solves the problem, but you know, it's still a bit of an inconvenience when it happens all the same.

Today I am setting up a new religion called Wristianity. The main figure of worship will be Xod, who had a son called Geesus Wrist. There was this giant gerbil, who had previously frozen while doing star jumps thus remaining in a cross shape. Geesus Wrist jumped on the frozen gerbil when he wanted a hug and got stuck because of the ice, according to the Wible that is.

That was my weekend. Ish.

Haldo...

http://homestarrunner.com/disk4of12.html

I am back! Since I have last posted, I am sure most of (the two of) you will know that I have been doing a school placement in Leamington this week. What you also now know, seeing as I will be likely to have told you in person by the time you read this, is that I should be there now. And I should have been there yesterday. Yes, I am a terrible person. But while yesterday I was mainly being lazy, today I actually do feel quite ill. Despite this, I got up at 6:45 and got ready on time and everything, then I left the house (early I hasten to add) and the bus was just leaving the bus stop! I blame the badgers for that one.

So, I did think, "I will be too late for the first lesson. I will catch the bus in an hour for the second lesson." Guess what? THOSE DAMN BADGERS!!! I swear it was the Grand High Badger drivng the second Leamington bus out of my reach, growling as he went, like this: "GRRRRRRRRR." Seeing as it was only a three-lesson day today, I thought it would be stupid to do the hour journey to Sydenham, spend what would be 45 minutes in a lesson, and travel for an hour back to campus. Stupid. Instead I think I will call them after Easter and arrange to spend a few more days there post-finals.

Anyway must go, if I don't eat soon I think I might just faint. I will post more on my school experiences soon I hope.

Le Boomerang xxx

Hmmmm

My polls have been deleted from my Pollhost account! There's only one way to rectify that situation...

Flu of the brain

Anyone know of a nearby big field where I can go and scream?

Playing badminton with chipmunks

Wahey, we just got back from badminton, or negativepottery as I like to call it. Twas beaucoup de fun. As was the Pride quiz at Kelsey's last night - we came second, woohoo! Weehead Bear now has pride (hoho) of place on one of the speakers in our living room, so everyone will know that we are the (second) best. We only came second because WASS cheated (please don't stab me to death Carl ;-)). Yes anyway it was very entertaining, and pretty barmen too, what more could I ask for?

I have to go to to a school in North Leamington tomorrow for a day of lesson observations. Scary thought. I imagine the pupils to be something like this:

Hopefully they will not pounce on me like rabid fish. Who knows what will happen? Woooooooooooooo. Everyone must come to Bows tomorrow to help me get over what is sure to be a day of trauma :-D since we will be Ciaran and Phil down.

I really do like badgers, and Damien Rice.