To the Grand High Badger

Grand High Badger

Badgers Incorporated

Maybe-a-rodent-I'm-not-sure Drive

Badgerville Industrial Park

Badgerville

Badgerworld

Dear Grand High Badger,

I arrived at my father's approximately an hour ago specifically so that I could chat to people (not badgers) on MSN for a short while. Imagine my dismay to find that MSN was not allowing me to connect! I pressed "help" and found that the service was "not available". Usually I would put this down to MSN being unavailable, but recently I have noticed that I am hearing rather more growly noises and seeing rather more strangely badger-like pawprints around the streets of Leicester. Intriguing.

What is more, earlier today my brother went to get a towel out of the airing cupboard and out flew a "bee". Only it was a very big bee. Very big. And it was "buzzing" (or perhaps, Mr Grand High Badger, "GROWLING?!") very loudly. I put it to you, so-called "GHB", that this was not a bee, but a FLYING BADGER planted there to kill me off once and for all. It has not escaped my attention that the acronym of your title is an anagram of "GBH". And it is nearly "GHD", like the range of hair products.

The evidence is mounting in my favour. My phone has died, meaning that I lose all of my pictures and videos of unsuspecting victims talking about Jesus and miming sexual practises. I noticed that several of these pictures showed badgers in the background - COINCIDENCE???! Strange that these pieces of vital evidence should suddenly be unobtainable. Also the straw to my orange juice carton broke yesterday, preventing me from drinking essential orange juice and causing me to nearly die. COINCIDENCE???! I think not.

If I were you, GHB, I would seriously consider withdrawing your badgers from my life and targeting someone who deserves it, Mr Motivator perhaps. Either that or you will be hearing from my lawyers. Or my fish Bob. I don't know which. I haven't decided yet. But sort it - and soon.

Yours sincerely



Kylie Posnett
Badgerwatch