Shhhhh

I've been taken captive by an expert on coffee. They lock me into a room in a building filled with crazy ladies who use bumbags as handbags, Patsy Stone and Jimmy Saville. They feed me on cheese and potatoes and water. In some kind of strange sleep-deprivation-torture-esque way they wait until I am about to write a blog entry and immediately make walking-past-my-room noises so I have to minimise the window. I need mindless internet surfing! Comment me your phone number and I'll call you back from my work phone to arrange my escape, you'll know it's me by the call phrase "Switchboard? I'm calling from the CSRI, we don't have intranet access to get extension numbers ourselves, give me the number for Tony Partridge, PLEEEEASE DON'T HANG UP ON ME AND TELL ME TO LOOK ON THE INTRANET!" - tis a common phrase round these dungeons so nobody will suspect a thing. You won't have access to this secret annex of the Clinical Sciences Building but I'll pass my ID card under the door as arranged and this will should work. Just help me, somebody. Please, before Professor Coffee removes my heart for medical research.


Translation: Interviews for the new PA took place today. Nobody, not even the present receptionist with a knowledge of the building and people and experience of covering for his colleagues' PAs, was given the job. Meaning I will probably have the job for more than 1-2 months. Oh yay.

Important date for your diary

20th October = Uterus Day

(according to a leaflet I found lying around in the photocopier room).

Remember it

Oh look, a map of Gibbet Hill which I found on my computer.


It appears that Jesus has hacked into the system at the Clinical Sciences Research Insitute, Clinical Sciences Building, Clifford Bridge Road, COVENTRY, CV2 2DX with his pet sheep Derek, and named the area according to his favourite words. Ooh he is a one, that Jesus. Perhaps I will not tell Professor Coffee. Perhaps I will simply delete the picture and show Jesus once and for all that it is just not on.

For now, I will leave you with a link to a picture of a cat eating a sausage.

The Perculiarities of Time

It is days like these when I really feel that I have earned the full £2 an hour that I am paid. Yesterday went strangely quickly, which was nice. However, today has gone generally slowly, with the exception of the last half hour, which has squizzled into nothing - ah, the wonders of Pacman. I get to go home in 27 minutes, hurrah! Well, officially it would be in 55 minutes, but the Professor (according to his diary) is at a "hypertension clinic, Coventry and Warwickshire Hospital" and thus will have no work for me to do. Oh what a great great shame.

When I say I have no work to do, I am really lying, for I could go downstairs to see Evil Jimmy Saville and get some stuff from the stationary stores. However, although I'm sure he will Fix It For Me I don't think he will do so in the same way as the real Monsieur Saville. Hence the name.

Anyway the above two paragraphs were just an introduction to my main thought of the day:

I think it would be wonderful if vegetables had faces, then they could eat things.

The end.

The Animal Kingdom

"The Animal Kingdom" by Kylie Posnett

I like donkeys
I like wolves
I like pandas
I like squirrels
I like chickens
When they hatch
I like pickled dingos

But I hate ponies with a passion
People who ridicule snakes, now they really get my goat
You would think I'd take advantage of the fact that "goat" rhymes with "stoat"

But no.

For this is a poem that only occasionally rhymes
And rather an intelligent one at that
Lalalalalalaaaaaa
Bob Monkhouse, Jim Bowen, Roy Walker, cat

The Animal Kingdom is very big
Much, much larger than a fig
If you were to tell some workmen to dig
A hole big enough to fit the Animal Kingdom intoig
They wouldn't be able to make it big
Enoughig

Animals, animals, woo woo woo
Very much like God's own poo
Which is a good thing, don't you knoo?
Let's finish with a word like "zoo"

Beware the blog that has no ears!

I have made the decision that this is not another of my "I will post more often from now on, honest" posts. As they clearly don't work :). I have, however, been incredibly underworked recently (and overpaid, but let's not dwell on that as it is unarguably a rather lovely thing) so I may post much more regularly from now on. And look, my blog is scarily different! Hurrah! It is pretty and green, like some snot moulded into a tiny singing hedgehog.

Since my last post, I have been freed from the Warwick Accommodation Pit of Ming (TM) and as of Monday 26th September have been working as a PA/Secretary for Professor Francesco Cappuccio of the new Clinical Sciences Research Institute of Warwick Medical School, based at Walsgrave Hospital. "Snigger!" I hear you... erm... snigger, "Our Kylie (as you are all Liverpudlians), a PA?! She can't even brush a vole's fur without removing all of its hair!" And you would not be wrong. Also I have been punished accordingly for the vole thing, so please leave me in peace as regards that.

Now, Prof Cappuccino (as he will be referred to from now on) is part of a new group of learned individuals involved in research on... hearty blood pressure... stuff... oh I don't know, I'm not a biologist. Look at his page, and more importantly, my name - no dodgy emails though, or you die, and I lose my job, and they really couldn't do without my superb PA skills as you can imagine. Yes anyway the group is new, and consists of Prof Coffee and another lecturer, Michelle Margaret Manhattan Mole Monkey Madness Miller. That's right, two people. As a result, I have absolutely no work to do and have been driven to entertain myself in any way possible in a pokey office containing nothing but a desk, phone, computer and me. Ahem. So, the past two weeks have been taken up by the following: -

• looking at the BBC website and reading about a new species of tarantula they've discovered in Newquay
• challenging myself to find the end of my sellotape (which I will call "Franz") in record time. As you can imagine this is becoming increasingly hard and is taking up less and less time.
• looking at the BBC website and retaking the Test the Nation tests
• disassembling my pen
• looking at the BBC website and gasping in awe at the new BBC Weather Photo of the Week. This can only be done once a week.
• reassembling my pen
• going to www.boredatwork.com, which I found whilst typing random but appropriate phrases between "www." and ".com"
• going to the BBC website and immediately closing the page
• starting a blog entry and closing the window to display my emails every time I hear signs of life in the corridor outside my office. Hence the time it is taking for me to write this entry - it is now 12:05pm...
• looking in the mirror to see whether I am Jesus Christ. This needs to be done regularly.
• exploring the many possibilities for my journey home using any one of a huge selection of TWM buses
• playing with my ID badge (it pings back!)
• lining the door with cheese to lure hungry gerbils looking for a chat

If you can think of any more ideas, please let me know.

I am going to go now, but I have a strong feeling I'll be blogging again later today. For now I will leave you with some new exciting links (see sidebar). I particularly enjoy the lettuce in "Food with Faces". Hurrah and huroo.