Yet another poem about animals...

Dog
Hog
Frog
Mog

Monkey

Fish
Squish(ed) fish

Gnu

Phew

My bum is wet

Against all my better judgement, I have been on the rapids at the fair AGAIN. This was over four hours ago and my bum is still wet. Also due to Johnson's Holiday Skin my arms are like those of an albino zebra after one application. *Thinks* Zebras with arms, good or bad? ARGH, ZEBRAS WITH ARMS!!! ZEBRAS ABLE TO CHEW GRASS, AND THROW GRENADES!!! VERY, VERY BAD! *Blocks said animals from memory to minimize emotional scarring*

Phew.

Well I was going to make this post longer, but I have decided that I have forgotten what I was going to say. So there.

Oh the bitter pill of self-delusion (a poem inspired by Kate Bush and others)

We all love trees
We don't love fleas
We all love cheese
We don't like peas

Please, oh please
We cannot choose
Between an egg

















and pointy shoes
















You make us die
You make us cry
Blah blah blah fly
And blah blah Pi

3.1415926
53589793
23846264
33832795
02884197
16939937
51058209
74944592
30781640
62862089
98628034
82534211
70679821
48086513
28230664
70938446
09550582
23172535
94081284
81117450
28410270
193852110...

*Sigh*

My oh my! You make a lie! Why, oh why? WHY, WHY, WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?!

WHY?

WHY?

WHY?

Rye is why.

OH YES.

Now die.

Or become bi (if you are not already).

Or dry (your clothes, or your hair, both of which may have just been washed).

Or fry SOME EGGS.

But all of it is ultimately pointless

Off we slide into the Comatic Land of Doom. Mushroom.

By the way...

I know the pictures have fucked up the layout of my blog, so don't bother telling me. Unless you know how to change it.

Also a new poll to follow soon when I'm particularly bored of telling finalists they can't graduate until they've cleared their debts tomorrow.

Plastic Dog xxx

Joyous joy of joys

A new post. MY BLOG HAS RISEN FROM THE ASHES LIKE A PHOENIX OF DEATH. I think Jesus and his monkey slaves must have something to do with it.

Speaking of Jesus and his monkey, look what I just found by typing "jesus monkey" into Google Image Search:


Sadly, the monkey has taken this image back to his lair :(

BUY IT FOR ME NOW PLEASE

I forgot how wonderful image posting was! I've missed my blog! Maybe I will go overboard and post more images. Watch me go, Mr Salamander...

I never knew there were so many Jesus-monkey-related images out there

Look it is a parsnip

A/some (?) celeriac

An axolotl in a suit

A murderous Irish TV presenter in a suit stolen from a suspiciously dead pilot

Your mum (apparently)

I want pizza you taunting bastards!


I'll leave it there and go to Sainsbury's. I would just like to add though that I hate Jon and Matt and will find my revenge in the near future. Death to you both!!!

Shamefully late update

I've been bad and not updated for weeks, I know (sorry). I am putting it down to not working for Prof Coffee any longer, and therefore not being able to spend all day on t'internet looking at www.bored.com, www.rathergood.com, www.drawapig.com etc. Poor Coffee still has no PA, muahahahahaha. Well anyway, I am now in the Resources Room, which means I am at a computer, and have internet access, and all is well with the world. Hello! Happy Christmas! Do they let you use Paint for pointless blog drawings in the Resources Room? There's only one way to find out...

So, I'm moving out of Stanway Road on Friday as my lodgees don't need a lodger any more. They have made a grave mistake! Look at the photographic(ish) evidence of my room before, during and after my living there:





The fire may have something to do with the candles in the previous picture. Of course it will be entirely accidental ;).

Ok so that was just an excuse to draw pretty (ahem) pictures. I'm bored! The Xanana's social, Wind Orchestra and Top B have all abandoned me for four weeks!!! FOUR WEEKS! I've been in the Resources Room for about 2 1/2 hours now, and I'm very surprised they haven't chucked me out...

I guess I should make some effort to go home now. Au revoir mes petits cochons d'inde :D

Shhhhh

I've been taken captive by an expert on coffee. They lock me into a room in a building filled with crazy ladies who use bumbags as handbags, Patsy Stone and Jimmy Saville. They feed me on cheese and potatoes and water. In some kind of strange sleep-deprivation-torture-esque way they wait until I am about to write a blog entry and immediately make walking-past-my-room noises so I have to minimise the window. I need mindless internet surfing! Comment me your phone number and I'll call you back from my work phone to arrange my escape, you'll know it's me by the call phrase "Switchboard? I'm calling from the CSRI, we don't have intranet access to get extension numbers ourselves, give me the number for Tony Partridge, PLEEEEASE DON'T HANG UP ON ME AND TELL ME TO LOOK ON THE INTRANET!" - tis a common phrase round these dungeons so nobody will suspect a thing. You won't have access to this secret annex of the Clinical Sciences Building but I'll pass my ID card under the door as arranged and this will should work. Just help me, somebody. Please, before Professor Coffee removes my heart for medical research.


Translation: Interviews for the new PA took place today. Nobody, not even the present receptionist with a knowledge of the building and people and experience of covering for his colleagues' PAs, was given the job. Meaning I will probably have the job for more than 1-2 months. Oh yay.

Important date for your diary

20th October = Uterus Day

(according to a leaflet I found lying around in the photocopier room).

Remember it

Oh look, a map of Gibbet Hill which I found on my computer.


It appears that Jesus has hacked into the system at the Clinical Sciences Research Insitute, Clinical Sciences Building, Clifford Bridge Road, COVENTRY, CV2 2DX with his pet sheep Derek, and named the area according to his favourite words. Ooh he is a one, that Jesus. Perhaps I will not tell Professor Coffee. Perhaps I will simply delete the picture and show Jesus once and for all that it is just not on.

For now, I will leave you with a link to a picture of a cat eating a sausage.

The Perculiarities of Time

It is days like these when I really feel that I have earned the full £2 an hour that I am paid. Yesterday went strangely quickly, which was nice. However, today has gone generally slowly, with the exception of the last half hour, which has squizzled into nothing - ah, the wonders of Pacman. I get to go home in 27 minutes, hurrah! Well, officially it would be in 55 minutes, but the Professor (according to his diary) is at a "hypertension clinic, Coventry and Warwickshire Hospital" and thus will have no work for me to do. Oh what a great great shame.

When I say I have no work to do, I am really lying, for I could go downstairs to see Evil Jimmy Saville and get some stuff from the stationary stores. However, although I'm sure he will Fix It For Me I don't think he will do so in the same way as the real Monsieur Saville. Hence the name.

Anyway the above two paragraphs were just an introduction to my main thought of the day:

I think it would be wonderful if vegetables had faces, then they could eat things.

The end.

The Animal Kingdom

"The Animal Kingdom" by Kylie Posnett

I like donkeys
I like wolves
I like pandas
I like squirrels
I like chickens
When they hatch
I like pickled dingos

But I hate ponies with a passion
People who ridicule snakes, now they really get my goat
You would think I'd take advantage of the fact that "goat" rhymes with "stoat"

But no.

For this is a poem that only occasionally rhymes
And rather an intelligent one at that
Lalalalalalaaaaaa
Bob Monkhouse, Jim Bowen, Roy Walker, cat

The Animal Kingdom is very big
Much, much larger than a fig
If you were to tell some workmen to dig
A hole big enough to fit the Animal Kingdom intoig
They wouldn't be able to make it big
Enoughig

Animals, animals, woo woo woo
Very much like God's own poo
Which is a good thing, don't you knoo?
Let's finish with a word like "zoo"

Beware the blog that has no ears!

I have made the decision that this is not another of my "I will post more often from now on, honest" posts. As they clearly don't work :). I have, however, been incredibly underworked recently (and overpaid, but let's not dwell on that as it is unarguably a rather lovely thing) so I may post much more regularly from now on. And look, my blog is scarily different! Hurrah! It is pretty and green, like some snot moulded into a tiny singing hedgehog.

Since my last post, I have been freed from the Warwick Accommodation Pit of Ming (TM) and as of Monday 26th September have been working as a PA/Secretary for Professor Francesco Cappuccio of the new Clinical Sciences Research Institute of Warwick Medical School, based at Walsgrave Hospital. "Snigger!" I hear you... erm... snigger, "Our Kylie (as you are all Liverpudlians), a PA?! She can't even brush a vole's fur without removing all of its hair!" And you would not be wrong. Also I have been punished accordingly for the vole thing, so please leave me in peace as regards that.

Now, Prof Cappuccino (as he will be referred to from now on) is part of a new group of learned individuals involved in research on... hearty blood pressure... stuff... oh I don't know, I'm not a biologist. Look at his page, and more importantly, my name - no dodgy emails though, or you die, and I lose my job, and they really couldn't do without my superb PA skills as you can imagine. Yes anyway the group is new, and consists of Prof Coffee and another lecturer, Michelle Margaret Manhattan Mole Monkey Madness Miller. That's right, two people. As a result, I have absolutely no work to do and have been driven to entertain myself in any way possible in a pokey office containing nothing but a desk, phone, computer and me. Ahem. So, the past two weeks have been taken up by the following: -

• looking at the BBC website and reading about a new species of tarantula they've discovered in Newquay
• challenging myself to find the end of my sellotape (which I will call "Franz") in record time. As you can imagine this is becoming increasingly hard and is taking up less and less time.
• looking at the BBC website and retaking the Test the Nation tests
• disassembling my pen
• looking at the BBC website and gasping in awe at the new BBC Weather Photo of the Week. This can only be done once a week.
• reassembling my pen
• going to www.boredatwork.com, which I found whilst typing random but appropriate phrases between "www." and ".com"
• going to the BBC website and immediately closing the page
• starting a blog entry and closing the window to display my emails every time I hear signs of life in the corridor outside my office. Hence the time it is taking for me to write this entry - it is now 12:05pm...
• looking in the mirror to see whether I am Jesus Christ. This needs to be done regularly.
• exploring the many possibilities for my journey home using any one of a huge selection of TWM buses
• playing with my ID badge (it pings back!)
• lining the door with cheese to lure hungry gerbils looking for a chat

If you can think of any more ideas, please let me know.

I am going to go now, but I have a strong feeling I'll be blogging again later today. For now I will leave you with some new exciting links (see sidebar). I particularly enjoy the lettuce in "Food with Faces". Hurrah and huroo.

Good afternoon, Warwick Accommodation...

My blogging resolution did not work. However I am back, with an update on my ELECTRIFYING life. You may notice some strange choices of word here. I have decided that I have been using certain words (exciting, hurrah, woohoo and wow) far too much, so in another of my ongoing efforts to put "improve me" resolutions into practise, I am going to use the Microsoft Word (TM) Thesaurus as I construct this entry.

I am currently listening to the soundtrack to

which has been a rare occurrence lately; however, I have just returned from Alex's in Rob's car, while listening to Elaine Paige's top 10 musical programme thing on Radio 2, which put me in a musical mood. With such tremendously witty lyrics as:

"ROSALIA: When I will go back to San Juan.

ANITA: When you will shut up and get gone?

ROSALIA: Everyone there will give big cheer!

ANITA: Everyone there will have moved here!" (from "America")

why was it not even in the Top 10?! I hate Elaine Paige. She is a bitch. I would like to spike her drinks with poo.

I watched "Dirty Dancing" for the second time ever the other day. I came to the conclusion that I will never be attracted to Patrick Swayze, as he mings. That is all I have to say about the film.

I have begun my summer job at Warwick Accommodation. It is messing with my mind. Not only do I greet everyone I know with "Good morning/afternoon, Warwick Accommodation", but I wake up at 3am regularly in a cold sweat having nightmare-d about being chased by hoards of prospective students wanting to sacrifice me in voodoo rituals because I could not provide them with "the 39-week let on-campus ensuite accommodation that is so important to international students". I find myself rocking backwards and forwards in my chair answering imaginary emails as described below:

"Dear Bobolinia,

Unfortunately we do not allow students' relatives to stay in off-campus accommodation during term time, but I have attached a document containing details of landlords offering short term lets (the B-list). Hope this helps.

Regards,

Kylie"

and then... brace yourself for real terror... sending the email without attaching the B-list!!! It really doesn't bear thinking about. I need to get out of this job, and soon.

So... I have decided to become a hospital dogsbody. I will be sending my CV to them shortly.

"My father is a bastard,

My ma's an S.O.B.

My grandpa's always plastered,

My grandma pushes tea.

My sister wears a mustache,

My brother wears a dress.

Goodness gracious, that's why I'm a mess!"

Oh Mr Sondheim, you are quite the wit.

New career move

Having been "unsuccessful" in my application to start a Warwick PGCE next year, I am reconsidering my career options. This is a whole new exciting opportunity for me, so I am thinking very carefully about a wide range of potential jobs. Here are a few of my ideas so far:

1. Badger Catcher




2. Toad's Hat Manufacturer (what a fantastic hat)




3. Santa Claus

(Insert picture of Nick Mann here).


4. Pat (Rosie and Jim's barge driver)




5. Mr Sandman




6. Handlebar Moustache Groomer




7. Panda




8. Sycamore Seed




9. Kazooist




10. Poncho Saleswoman





The above options prove that the world is very much my oyster. So all is well.

I hereby declare a post-exam blogging resolution

I have decided to post regularly on my blog now that my final year project (and degree, woohoo!) is over. And you'd better have started reading it again or I will be so angry that steam will start coming out of my ears, like in cartoons and such. Then you'd feel guilty. And perhaps a little scared.

Here is a poem I have written about the evils of marzipan:


Marzipan

You have a squidgy texture, and are usually a creamy yellow colour.
But worst of all, you are MARZIPAN,
Which means you taste of almonds.

Almonds are the worst of all the nuts
I really think they spoil the huts
Of people who live in such abodes
And like to make Batternbergs loads and loads

Marzipan, marzipan, woo woo woo.
Very much like almonds' poo,
Which is a bad thing, don't you knoo?

I hate you.



I do hope you like it. I may write more poems about my hatred of certain foods - I think I have a lot of experiences to draw from.

Googlewhack fun (oh and hurrah I'm back)

HOW ARE THERE 241 RESULTS IN GOOGLE FOR "MICROCHIP CHEESECLOTH?!"

It appears that microchips are used to produce tofu, which has links with cheesecloth. "Pickle electrophoresis" has 570 results. More worryingly, "hamster electrophoresis" has "about 113 000" results, and "arse electrophoresis" about 22 500. Maybe electrophoresis is not the way to go, I think. "Exclusionary poo" has "about 15 200"!!!!!!! I despair, I really do.

Google whacking makes the world seem tres bizarre.

Shoehorn

You are all very strange people...

My friends would really like to call me: is buckle.
See what your friends would really like to call you today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Name Generator Generator.

Hyeeeeeeees.

I nearly just drank a lit pillar candle instead of my drink - senile dementia setting in.

I really am trying to use my time productively. Which is scary seeing as my "day of work" has so far consisted of the following:

• 8:30am Alarm wakes me up. Turn off alarm "for another couple of hours."
• 10:30am Alarm wakes me up. Decide am still too tired. Turn off alarm for another hour.
• 11:30am Alarm wakes me up.
• 11:45am Get up. Think about getting ready within the next three hours or so. So can start to work, maybe even in the library (shock horror). Shower and get dressed.
• 12pm Begin to write monster pointless post on Pride forum.
• 1pm Receive text from Phlib: "Hey. Will be in the Music Centre for the next couple of hours if you wanted to practise" - immediately forget plans about work - loitering opportunity! Text Phil back to say will be there in 45 minutes.
• 2pm Get to practise rooms. Practise the bassline of music from "The Piano" for 2 hours.
• 4pm Decide left little finger has had enough of bassline. By coincidence Phlibib has also finished in practise rooms, I assume with his left hand tired of the bassline from "The Entertainer".
• 4:15pm Get to bus stop on campus. Notice a lack of buses till 4:28pm. Loiter in Xananas with FAKE BUT STILL £1.20 ORANGE JUICE grrrrrrrr.
• 4:28pm Miss bus so race on camel-back to Earlson.
• 5pm Home - Stare at computer screen for a while after having checked emails four times. Remember I have work to do. Interesting that. Stare at computer screen some more, until...
• 6pm Make dinner. McCain Pizza Fingers (cheese and ham), baked potato and beans. Yes I am a 7-year-old child.
• 6:20pm Eat dinner.
• 6:30pm Watch "Doctor Who" with Alex and Phil. Will work afterwards.
• 7:24pm Come upstairs to work. After checking emails five times. And blogging. Oh and checking is there is some way of creating an exciting new MSN name by putting "generator" into Google (which there is).
• 8pm Battle a herd of invading badgers using parsnips, their biggest enemies. N.B. This is a prediction. It is only 7:56pm.

Yes so my finals are in less than two weeks. Time to tidy my room methinks...

To the Grand High Badger

Grand High Badger

Badgers Incorporated

Maybe-a-rodent-I'm-not-sure Drive

Badgerville Industrial Park

Badgerville

Badgerworld

Dear Grand High Badger,

I arrived at my father's approximately an hour ago specifically so that I could chat to people (not badgers) on MSN for a short while. Imagine my dismay to find that MSN was not allowing me to connect! I pressed "help" and found that the service was "not available". Usually I would put this down to MSN being unavailable, but recently I have noticed that I am hearing rather more growly noises and seeing rather more strangely badger-like pawprints around the streets of Leicester. Intriguing.

What is more, earlier today my brother went to get a towel out of the airing cupboard and out flew a "bee". Only it was a very big bee. Very big. And it was "buzzing" (or perhaps, Mr Grand High Badger, "GROWLING?!") very loudly. I put it to you, so-called "GHB", that this was not a bee, but a FLYING BADGER planted there to kill me off once and for all. It has not escaped my attention that the acronym of your title is an anagram of "GBH". And it is nearly "GHD", like the range of hair products.

The evidence is mounting in my favour. My phone has died, meaning that I lose all of my pictures and videos of unsuspecting victims talking about Jesus and miming sexual practises. I noticed that several of these pictures showed badgers in the background - COINCIDENCE???! Strange that these pieces of vital evidence should suddenly be unobtainable. Also the straw to my orange juice carton broke yesterday, preventing me from drinking essential orange juice and causing me to nearly die. COINCIDENCE???! I think not.

If I were you, GHB, I would seriously consider withdrawing your badgers from my life and targeting someone who deserves it, Mr Motivator perhaps. Either that or you will be hearing from my lawyers. Or my fish Bob. I don't know which. I haven't decided yet. But sort it - and soon.

Yours sincerely



Kylie Posnett
Badgerwatch

My exciting life since being home

Well, what can I say? I have had the most eventful of weekends. On Saturday, I went badger racing with Bob the Rainbow Trout. My badger, Stan Weaselfact, came third. Being a fish, and so having no money, Bob did not have a badger. Of course I would have loved for Stan to have won, but he was feeling slightly under the weather what with the copious alcohol consumption the night before and the flu he caught from Bob Carolgees. I've changed his trainer recently too so hopefully his technique will improve no end in the near future.

After the badger racing, I took Bob shopping on Fosse Park in Leicester to buy him a twinset. Then we went for a KFC where he had a Twister meal and I had a Crispy Strips meal. All this meant we missed the Stars in their Eyes Live Grand Final but you can't do everything.

Yesterday I force-fed Bob chocolate eggs through his stupid little fishy mouth. He didn't have time to chew and digest the food so he was left with pointy shapes protruding from his body from the pieces of broken egg. One of them punctured his skin so we had to take him to casualty. He had a few stitches but he is ok now. It clearly didn't leave enough time for much else that day so I put him to bed and watched "Most Haunted - Scare the Nation" from 10pm-1am. It's probably a good thing he was in bed at the time actually - usually when he watches Most Haunted with me he ends up levitating, shouting "WoooooooOOOOOOOAAAAAAHHHHHHH" and flying across the room, sometimes into nextdoor's front room if the windows are open. I find repeating "The power of Christ compels you" solves the problem, but you know, it's still a bit of an inconvenience when it happens all the same.

Today I am setting up a new religion called Wristianity. The main figure of worship will be Xod, who had a son called Geesus Wrist. There was this giant gerbil, who had previously frozen while doing star jumps thus remaining in a cross shape. Geesus Wrist jumped on the frozen gerbil when he wanted a hug and got stuck because of the ice, according to the Wible that is.

That was my weekend. Ish.

Haldo...

http://homestarrunner.com/disk4of12.html

I am back! Since I have last posted, I am sure most of (the two of) you will know that I have been doing a school placement in Leamington this week. What you also now know, seeing as I will be likely to have told you in person by the time you read this, is that I should be there now. And I should have been there yesterday. Yes, I am a terrible person. But while yesterday I was mainly being lazy, today I actually do feel quite ill. Despite this, I got up at 6:45 and got ready on time and everything, then I left the house (early I hasten to add) and the bus was just leaving the bus stop! I blame the badgers for that one.

So, I did think, "I will be too late for the first lesson. I will catch the bus in an hour for the second lesson." Guess what? THOSE DAMN BADGERS!!! I swear it was the Grand High Badger drivng the second Leamington bus out of my reach, growling as he went, like this: "GRRRRRRRRR." Seeing as it was only a three-lesson day today, I thought it would be stupid to do the hour journey to Sydenham, spend what would be 45 minutes in a lesson, and travel for an hour back to campus. Stupid. Instead I think I will call them after Easter and arrange to spend a few more days there post-finals.

Anyway must go, if I don't eat soon I think I might just faint. I will post more on my school experiences soon I hope.

Le Boomerang xxx

Hmmmm

My polls have been deleted from my Pollhost account! There's only one way to rectify that situation...