Hamster hamster hamster hamster HAMSTER!

We have a hamster! I bought her yesterday from the pet shop down the road. It was Chris's birthday yesterday, you see, and I thought he might like one.

She is white with small amounts of grey in her fur and she has a nose that goes "sniffle sniffle". I love her and she is my friend. Her cage has lots of tubes protruding from it. Overnight, she seems to have decided that it would be a good idea to take every last piece of food and the majority of her bedding from the cage itself into part of one of the tubes, and she has wedged herself inside. She is weird but we still love her. Even if it did take me ages to set her food bowl and sawdust and bedding etc out in her cage before she arrived yesterday.

I will post a picture very soon - I was going to take and post one for this blog but she's snuggled up in her new tube-bed-diner at the moment, and you can't really see her pretty eyes or sniffle nose.

Giggle.

Crigmas is upon us like a great big moggle bog

Look!

I went to Wilkinsons on Sunday and bought a new Christmas tree and baubles and tinsel and a star, and I bloody decorated the tree, bloody bloody! It has a lilac theme, which you can't really see from the picture as it is a bit dark. It's dark because if I had taken the picture with the light on, the fairy lights wouldn't have shown up - which were, by the way, £1 from Poundland (bargain), and I bought them some time ago, purely because I like sparkly things. Either way, I think it is a work of art, and as such, this blog post will be tagged on Blogger as "Art of the highest quality", to go with all of my other superb art.

I am very proud of myself. It's the first proper (i.e. taller than 1 ft) Christmas tree I have ever had, and by that I mean while living alone away from my mum's house in Leicester.

We always used to have a real Christmas tree in Leicesterland, until this year. Apparently this year my mum's bought a fake one from B & Q. In previous years, I have always tried, and succeeded, to nip my mum's CRAZY threats of stopping the real tree tradition in the bud, but this year I have let myself down. Never mind. The cat always used to eat the needles from the real trees anyway, so maybe an artificial tree is best for everyone.

I am very excited about Christmas this year. Although me and Chris were together last Christmas, we'd only been going out for a few weeks, so we were physically apart on Christmas Day. This year, we'll be staying in the West Midlands until half way through Christmas Day, watching his cool and groovy kiddiewink niece and nephew open their cool and groovy presents and devouring some yumscrum dinner of the out-of-law-inlaws, before being driven to Leicesterland by my dad for drinks and a Christmas buffet courtesy of aforementioned dad (yes, we are posh) and evening present-opening. It is most thrilling. My mum's going to make Christmas dinner on Boxing Day instead of Christmas Day this year, so we will get TWO DAYS OF SILLY HATS!!! Hurroo!

In other news, I have changed my Blogger template. I hope it doesn't make me look egotistical. I really don't love myself that much. Chris advised me on which photo to use. Don't judge me, pleeease!

I am off to bed now. Nanoo, nanoo.

Kylie's Anal Rant

This may seem a bit of an overreaction, but I feel the need to write about something that really gets on my nerves.


See the image below:
It's all wrong! The barlines are all in the wrong place, the sharps and flats are on the wrong line and if we're talking about the musical equivalent of grammar, it's all fucked up in general. Argh! If people want to use notation for decorative purposes, e.g. on a t-shirt or something, they should either: 1. look into how to write it correctly, or 2. get someone who knows what they're doing to create it. Someone like me :) or indeed anyone with a basic grasp of music theory. Ooh, it makes me angry!

To end on a positive note, I like Haribo. Haribo makes me happy, but not as much as Lindor makes me happy.

God I'm rubbish

Sorry I'm late. I've not got around to posting for a month! Anyway, here is a Flight of the Conchords video for your amusement. I know everyone knows about it by now, but I'm still going to post it anyway, so nare :)



HURRAH!!!

I didnae post last night so I am posting now. Look - it is a post. Yes.

It will only be short though as I am about to go shopping for new flat stuff and shiny things :) :) :).

Our new flat is very funkysome. Everyone is invited. Hurray.

We have seen a zombie print in a local shop that is soon to be the centrepiece of our living room. That's how cool our new flat is. Although I suppose it may startle people sleeping on the sofa.

I will take a picture once my camera is fixed (I think it got moisture in it from the swimming pool that was V 2007 and now it won't progress past the welcome screen) (I won't tell Curry's Digital that when I take it in today) (oh no, it was all their fault).

Anyway, I am off to eat some Weetabix from our glorious new kitchen.

Good morn!

Good morrow. It is me.

Hurrah! I am back, with internet forever more. At home and everything!

I will do a proper post tomorrow if I get chance, but for now, it is late and I must retire to bed.

Goody-bye!

xxx

V Festival and monkeys and, of course, their trousers

This morning we returned from Mr V. Festival. It was my first campy-festival experience, in that I have been to festivals before but only ones in Leicester or Coventry where I've been able to go home to a lovely warm bed and a shower and my penguin pyjamas at the end of the day.

It rained many and much. It was muddy many and much. We paid many and much for food and drink and plastic rain ponchos. We used many and much toilet seats baring ourselves to many visible poos and the smell of much visible (and invisible) poos. But the bands were many and much bloody good and we did "The Festival Dance" (think leg-kicking-in-a-circle like you've seen on the news) many and much. Generally it was many and much good. This is with the exception of Lily Allen who really did embarrass herself many and much, but let's forget her as failing to do so can only hinder the lives of such wonderful people who may choose to read this blog.

There was a bit of a to-do in getting out of the car park, what with Nick's car going to car sleepy land in the mud, but we eventually got home and I had the loveliest, warmest shower that I have ever experienced. It was also nice to walk on the firm, concrete-y floor to the shop round the corner. Ah, concrete. It is so very reliable and non-slippy.

That is all. I still have no internet so I am having to borrow Mr H's computer and may not be back for some time. For the time being I would like to request 1) a new job (£14,000 a year and no corporate bastards would be lovely), 2) an affordable and shiny flat in Wolverhampton and 3) some corduroy slacks fit for simians to dance in as I am planning a funky monkey disco for my future pet monkey and he is currently naked. Thank you.

P.S. I have changed my mind about Mika. He is quite good at playing instruments and has very good taste in trousers. And he provides very good music to back The Festival Dance.

Adam Buxton Songs of Praise thing as recommended by Rodney "Kylie's Dad" Posnett

Shiny weekendness

Alternative title: London - woo and that.

My weekend:

Lester P. Mason had his own ticket. The man on the train with the stampy thing didn't accept it. Tut.

Mistifer Christifer and sock monkey


Mr Hilmolius Jaidin

He brought it upon himself

- Friday evening at Spoons near Trafalgar Square for scrumbumptious paninis and cocktails and shit with newly/not-so/newly far-away friends. And Lester P. Mason, for whom the novelty of alchimohol was all too much (and who may appear in many photos as a result).

Ciaran "I love Miss Congeniality" Osborne and David (host and bf)


A Jon-Esther

- On to Popstarz for further jollities. I had not been to a gay club in yonks so it was many welcome. Although I think a man tried to hit on Chris via me. But not in a grabby scary way like people do in Blast Off etc.

- Back to Ciaran's in Brixton for sleeeeeep.

Shiny people Ms Jemima and Mr Dan

The cheese, THE CHEEEEESE!

- Chocolate spread on toast and a quick exit towards what we thought was the Virgin in Oxford Circus but was actually the Virgin in Picadilly Circus to meet Mr Dan and Ms Jemima. Oh, and Pizza Hut, naturellement...

- More fun.

- Shopping, that's what. Panda bag of joy, that's what. Oh yes.

- Scary but good pub off Oxford Street.

- Scrombiddilyjoy-filled wonderfood from a pub in Brixton.

- Various other things that I won't go into because it is twenty past eleven and I have been editing this post for far too long (bloody Blogger and its rubbish photo uploading system).


HURRAH!

I'm off to wake Chris up as he is on the sofa asleep. But only to take him to a more comfy bed. I'm not evil. Nighty night x

A belated Pingu valentine

Hello. I have not been blogging enough. Soz. I have been rather busy of late. I have been eating lots of pizza and drinking at funky bars by the canal and trying not to scratch the mysterious cut that appeared on my left index finger at the Bright Eyes gig/Ramshackles last night. I also seem to have been bitten by one or several or many insect-people in my sleep. So yes, we're getting all the crappy things that summer should bring and NONE OF THE BLOODY SUN, RAAAARGH! Anyway. Tis not all bad.

Yesterday morning, I was interviewed for a job at the eye centre of a hospital in Birmingham. It went very well I think. I've wanted to work in a hospital for a long while now - down with corporations! Up with doing things that directly benefit people! I've been temping for two years since finishing my degree, waiting to get a job like this one. If I got the job I would be testing people's eyes for glaucoma, mainly over 55s but sometimes going out to schools to check that everything is ok vision-wise for the little kiddiwinks :).

It's a bit different to processing the mortgages of ungrateful people for £6.50 an hour.

I went for the same job in February, and apparently was favourite until the very last person. The lady interviewing me rang me back to say that I should apply if anything else came up because they liked me. And that is what I jolly well did. I find out on Tuesday anyway. Fins crossed, my fishies, fins crossed.

Here is a video of Pingu for Noodles. He doesn't like Pingu (shocking) but I am going to post it anyway.

Meme, teehee

On Chloe's request, a fluffy new meme for your reading pleasure. And you will enjoy it. Oh yes. It's copy and paste time.


Rules:

We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
At the end of your blog post, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

1. Most of my favourite things are red and black and very, very sparkly.

2. I own two Jesus action figures. One has rolly feet so you can wheel him around and one has glow in the dark hands and loaves and fishes.
3. I have a habit of sporadically saying "monkey trousers", which has nothing to do with the old TV programme, which I have never seen.

4. My cousin went to school with the Sooty presenter who took over from Matthew Corbett. Now that's what I call a claim to fame.

5. As a child I used to have recurring nightmares which involved: 1. being chased by a giant Lego man and 2. being pushed down the stairs by Bully from Bullseye.

6. My obsession with the old ITV kids' show Knightmare is such that I originally spelt "nightmare" wrong in point 5.

7. I used to have a crush on Sonic the Hedgehog.

8. I clearly have issues as almost all of the above relate to my childhood :). And also because I used to have a crush on a cartoon character.

Tagged:

Christopher David Noodles Bate of Christopher David Noodles Bate's blog fame
Dan of Dan's blog fame
Maja of Maja's blog fame
The Grumble of The Grumble's blog fame

Bloggerwise this leaves me stuck *sob* as I am a newbie to regular bloggers, so I will continue the tagfest on Facebook...

And to finish, an air chicken Ryan Adams recital from Mistifer Christopher Bate:

Feeding carrots to monkeys

Since I last posted, I have done the following: -

a bit of Cat Yoga

a bit of bubble harrassment

received, and eaten, a lot of Lindor (woo)

visited some birthday fish at the National Sealife Centre in Birmingham with Hilmi and Dom (generous Lindor givers) - photos of the meatier fish were taken by Chris.

eaten some good old Leicester toast. Leicester being the best city in the world or, if you prefer to disagree, I will go RARGH at you

discovered a new ready made Cosmopolitan mixer in M&S (buy it! Tis only £2.50!)

taken my brother by surprise

discovered Gladys A. Mummy at the New Walk Museum

seen some birds in the Wild Space section... hur hur hur...

and admired all manner of fine art.

Except for the Picasso pottery, which was crap :)

PICASSEROLE DISH, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(It was my birthday on Sunday, and I got a shiny new camera, hence the snap happiness)
(Oh and our internet is back, hurrah!)

(Hello)
(xxx)

A Powem

I am me
Shopping spree
Buy a flea
On a pea
Have a wee
In the sea
On a bee
La la be
I can see
Lots of pee
Running free
From Monkey
Carol Smillie
Zebedee
Look! A shiny
I'm Kylie

(That's what you get when I can't think of anything to post about :))

Things that rhyme with "tree"

• Me
• Spree
• Flea
• Pea
• Wee
• Sea
• Bee
• Be
• See
• Pee
• Free
• Monkey
• Carol Smillie
• Zebedee
• Shiny
• Kylie

And now, a powem...

The meme thing everyone seems to be doing

Three Things That Scare Me:

1. Murderers

2. Death

3. Spiders (I stole that one from Chris. But here is a beauuuutiful picture to make me feel more innovative...)

Three People Who Make Me Laugh:

1. Bill Bailey

2. Eddie Izzard (AKA Dizzard in my household)

3. My friends and boyfriend. Otherwise what's the point?

Three Things I Love:

1. Baby terrapins

2. Shiny and in-tune pianos

3. Shiny things - preferably black with red sparkly stones

Three Things I Hate:

1. Judgemental people (and by that I mean the ones who judge you before they've even had a proper conversation with you)

2.

3. Onions

Three Things I Don’t Understand:

1. Physics

2. Paris Hilton's popularity
3. The appeal of man-cardigans

Three Things On My Desk:

1. An electric fan

2. A little pink notebook that used to be in my handbag before I used and ripped out all of the pages.

3. Sparkly bangles (yay!)

Three Things I’m Doing Right Now:

1. Typing, it would appear

2. Sitting in a garden chair

3. Waiting for The Soup to come on. It is very good. You would do well to watch it.

Three Things I Want To Do Before I Die:

1. Learn to play the harp.

2. Set up my own little business and escape the 9-5. Maybe a little jewellery shop or something. Kylie's Shiny Things Emporium Full of Shiny Things That Sparkle.

3. Be in Chris's band of the future.

Three Things I Can Do:

1. Make "the best pancakes in the world", apparently.

2. Roll my tongue

3. Make sparkly/glow in the dark bracelets

Three Things I Can’t Do:

1. Not cry when sad/happy/angry/many other situations that most people can deal with rationally.

2. Ride a bike.

3. Climb/swing on the big rope in P.E. That wasn't an innuendo.

Three things you should listen to:

1. The songs of Mulligan and O'Hare

2. Potential traffic noises as you cross the road. Safety first.

3. Music at work. Down with rules! One day we will all be FREEEEE!!!

Three Things You Should Never Listen To:

1. Bernard Manning.

2. People who use the phrase "a job's a job".
3. The Cheeky Girls

Three Things I’d Like To Learn:

1. Latin and ballroom dancing (this was true before Strictly Come Dancing arrived).

2. How to be a good parent to Sea Monkeys, thus increasing their life expectancies.

3. The reason why photocopiers hate me.

Three Favorite Foods:

1. Pizza Hut pizzas and chicken wings.

2. Chicken carbonara

3. Lindor chocolates

Three Shows I Watched As A Kid:

1. Knightmare

2. Ghostwriter

3. Pob

Three Things I Regret:

1. Not working hard enough for my degree. Although if I had, I'd probably be living somewhere else and wouldn't have met Chris.

2. Not having visited the dentist sooner.

3. Leaving my 15p reduced-after-Easter Lindor eggs in the sun. They became inedible :'(

Three People I Tag:

I don't do tagging. I don't know enough people! Anyone reading who hasn't done this already.


UPDATE: It would appear that my spider photo has been taken down. Quel dommage.

A quick one...

Me and Chris have been together 6 months as of Saturday. This post was going to be longer but aforementioned blokie is about to play Resident Evil and I want to watch him slash zombies so it is going to have to be a one-paragrapher. But yes, HURRAH!

To Chris,

Happy Sixmonthiversary,

Lots and lots of love from me

*sparkly yellow things*
*otters with party hats*
*monkey trousers*
*absolutely no play doh*

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Alas! Alack! My Tooth!", an autobiographical poem by Kylie "Plastic Dogetta" Posnett

My tooth is black
What shall I do?!
It hurts me when I eat a shrew
A hole revealed itself to me
A tiny hole,
A cavity

When looking in a mirror-woo
And thinking of a kangaroo
I saw the little holey there
Nestled like a cream eclair.

At first I thought it was a seed
Or perhaps a cunning bead
A bead that sought a dental home
And fed upon the toothpaste foam

Removable with cocktail stick
YES
Cocktail stick would do the trick
But no, Alas, Alack, Aploooo
Oh no! Oh Keith! 'Twill just not do

No bead was there, no seed, no grain
Just a hole of crappy pain

And so, to Denty I must go
Denty being the surgeon-o
Although I haven't got the cash
So I'm not going yet
So there

Also I've found that one of my wisdom teeth is growing at a funny angle and looks set to push into my other teeth so I'll probably have to have it taken out and I am very scared of needles and operations and stuff and I haven't been to Denty for about ten years so by now every tooth probably has to have something done to it oh dear never mind wish me luck end of poem BYE

I was almost killed by a Stormtrooper...

(which would be on the front page of Cosmo if I was in it)

YES!!!! It's the long-awaited photos and videos of last weekend and our trip to Leicester. Woohoo.


A Stormtrooper poses for me WITH HIS BIG WHITE GUN ooer


Our post-Fan Club trip to the (apparently haunted) Guildhall and Leicester Cathedral. Sorry about the darkness. The lack of light, not the band. Hur hur hur.

The National Space Centre


I tried to take a photo of a stormtrooper through the window of the canteen while enjoying a bag of Wotsits but he was having none of it.

Chris in front of a shiny rocket

The Royal Family

My brother Adam and his happy face

Adam made a "house for starving Ethiopian children", complete with ice cubes

Free lollies!

Chris turned into a duck and we had to take him to A&E, cutting the night short. Hoho.

The Crap Pianist Rag: A Howmarge to Mr Hilmolius Jaiden and Such

Evil Pie Factory

Cat

Muncky

Cow

Archer's and Lemonade: Reprise

Hello, Terry Nutkins. Today we went to the pub (or "pib" as I originally typed and corrected) and had some numnum. Me and Chris and Blair were there. My chicken club sandwich without the mayonnaise or tomato was just spiffing, and we had lots of fun on the games machine with Ant and Dec. Not the sexual kind. Eew. Then we went to Merry Hill (that shopping centre of glory with the Hotel Chocolat which I have yet to buy stuff from due to a lack of pennies since I moved here) and noticed a man with a fake bottom and bought hats and chewing gum and drinks. I tried on some sunglasses that made me look like Cliff Richard. I decided against buying them.

I am drinking Archers Aqua. I like drinking Archers Aqua. Is that Aqua of Mr Archer, or Aqua of Mr Archers? I need to know because I need to know where to put the apostrophe. Please do tell me if you know. Anyway, it is nice, although it has small bits of orange floating in it as I had orange juice in the same glass earlier. It all adds to the texture. In tribute to its wonder, I have decided to re-post mine and Carl's old hit, the Archers and Lemonade Song. Which looking at what I've pasted below would imply that Archers is, in fact, the Aqua of Mr Archer. Problem solved.


The Archer's and Lemonade Song by Kylie Posnett and Carl Beasley (to be sung to the tune of "Oom Pah Pah" from the musical "Oliver!")


I love Archer's and lemonade
I want to include the fire brigade
If I don't then I won't get paid
Because they commissioned this song.

CHORUS:
Arch-chers, Arch-chers, lemonade
Arch-chers, Arch-chers, Fire Brigade
Arch-chers, Arch-chers, I'm getting paid
To mention the fire brigade.

I like to stir it with a spoooon
It makes me feel I'm on the moooon
Which I shaln't compare to a balloooon
Because this is an overused cliche.

CHORUS

I tried to bake it in a flan
During my time as a chef in Japan
It incurred the wrath of the Emperor's gran
So I was condemned to death by cheese.

CHORUS

Drowning in cheese for many a week
They provided a salad of carrot and leek
When mixed with our drink the effects are unique
That's why I love Archer's and lemonade.

CHORUS


Hurrah! I'm off to drink Archer's Aqua and get ready for a probable trip to old Wolver-o-hampton town-city. Goodbye, Mr and Mrs Angrykitten.

For Christ's sake, eat a bloody egg

My Autobiography

1.Where did you take your main pic?
The Royal London, a jolly Scream pub in Wolver-o-hampton. We go there A LOT.

2.What exactly are you wearing right now?
A blue flowery skirt and a green stripy top. They clash and I am ashamed.

3.What is your current problem?
Until today it was a lack of job and money, but I start a new one (albeit a £5.75 ph one) on Monday so it should sort itself out soon. I need some NHS person to give me a job. Then everything will be good.

4.What makes you happy most?
Chris and Mars Ice Creams and having lots of people and places to visit and having escaped from a rut. I miss people in Coventry lots but my mental health has improved. I was a nutbox before.

5.What's the name of the song that you're listening to?
It's called "Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" and it's by The Freezer.

6.Any celeb you would marry...
Penelope Keith

7.Name someone with the same birthday as you?
Julie off of Biological Sciences! Also apparently St John the Baptist was beheaded on my birthday.

8.Ever sang in front of a large audience?
In choir yes. I did Verdi's Requiem and a musical about coffee called Arabica at the De Montfort Hall.

9. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
Someone evil once compared me to Avril Lavigne for some reason. I think it was because my hair was all one length and dull.

10.Do you still watch kiddy movies or kiddie TV shows?
I watched a rip-off of Dora the Explorer when I was at Chris' dad's on Sunday. It taught me all about sharks and how to identify different species. Not like back in my day...

11. Do you speak any languages?
Oui. Je suis un bureau de change.

12. Has anyone you've been really close with passed away?
Only when I was little.

13.Do you ever watch MTV?
Sometimes.

14.What's something that really annoys you?
Up-themselves bosses (grrr).


Chapter 1:
===============
1.Middle name (s):
Amanda.

2.Nickname(s):
Plastic Dog, Chien au Plastique, Baby Duck...

3.Current location:
The kitchen/armchair and garden chair and computer room

4.Eye color:
Hazel

Chapter 2:
===============

1.Do you live with your parent(s):
No

2.Do you get along with your parent(s):
Yes

3.Are your parents married/separated/divorced
Separated.

4.Do you have any Siblings?:
1 brother and 1 half brother

Chapter 3: Favorites
===============
1. Ice Cream:
Phish Food!

2. Season:
Summer


Chapter 4: Do You..
===============
1. Dance in the shower?
No, that would be weird.

2.Do you write on your hand?
I sometimes draw smily faces on my hand without realising it.

3.Call people back:
When I can.

4.Believe in love:
Yes!

6. Any bad habits
I molt. But that's not my fault. Salt.

7. Any mental health issues:
Quite a few :)


Chapter 5: Have You..
===============
1.Broken a bone:
No

2.Sprained stuff:
No

3.Had physical therapy:
*sigh* no

5.Taken painkillers:
Lots. I'm not addicted or anything...

6. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling:
No

7.Been stung by a bee:
I was stung by a wasp. It was totally unprovoked. The bastard.

8.Thrown up at the dentist:
No, I might do soon though. I have a black hole in my tooth (not the vacuum-ous kind) and I don't like the thought of what he's going to do about it.

9.Sworn in front of your parents:
Accidentally.

10. Had detention:
Yes, for being late to assembly.

11.Been called a hoe:
One too many times...

Chaper 6: Who/What was the last
===============
1.Movie(s):
Shaun of the Dead I think.

2.Person to text you:
Christophus

3.Person you called:
My dad.

4.Person you hugged
Jinx (the Cat)

5.Person you tackled:
I don't play rugby

6. Person you talked to on IM?
I haven't signed in for yonks. Maybe Esther.

7.Thing you touched:
My phone to see who I called last

8. Thing you ate?
A lovely Red Leicester cheese sandwich. It really is a superior cheese.

9.Thing you drank:
Diet coke (the boycott went out of the window temporarily)

10.Thing you said:
"Meow", to Jinx.

A wasp bastard

Meme meme meme, la la la la la

1. What ended your last relationship?
An argument about fish. And the fact that he was a bat. It was never going to work...

2. What were you doing at midnight last night?
I was at Rebellion grooving and losing my passport and drinking from a lovely pink cup.

3. What were you doing this morning at 8am?
Waking up with a biiig hangover.

4. First thought after waking up this morning?
POJWRNVHSfkJFHweiulcnytilsvnggslrNooooooooooooooooooooooo! I feel very dizzy!

5. Are you any good at math?
I got an A at A-Level. The easiness of Decision helped me with that. I seem to remember something about a Chinese postman.

6. Prom night?
Alas, our college never had a prom.

7. Do you have any famous ancestors?
No

8. Have you ever taken out a loan to pay for school?
Yes, bloody thing

9. Do you know the words to the song on your myspace profile?
Yes I do.

10. Last thing received in the mail?
My timesheet, I believe.

11. How many different beverages have you drank today?
Hmm, let's see... I had water in the morning, a J2O at the pub and some squash. I decided against hair of the dog.

12. Do you ever leave messages on people's answering phones?
Sometimes. I hate doing that though.

13. Ever been in love?
As of 2nd December 2006, yes.

14. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
Haven't been to the beach since, oh, 1963.

15. What cell phone provider do you have?
Vodaphone.

!16.Where is your most favourite place in the world?
Bed.

17. Do you have any plans for tonight?
Blair is over and we are all going to have fishfinger sandwiches and Party Babies (to eat, not give birth to) and watch telly-o-vision. Hurrah.

18. Do you like the ocean?
Yes, when I'm not in it.

19. Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different popcorn?
What are you rambling on about, you Raccoon of Mystique?

20. Have you ever been to a planetarium?
YES! I went to the one next to Madame Tussaud's when I was a wee tyke. Twas a jolly place.

21. Something you are excited about?
The coming weekend and chillin' and David J's party and Chris not having to go to work and stuff.

22. What is your favorite flavour of jelly?
Raspberry and Jesus.

23. Are any of your great grandparents alive?
No, and I have but one grandparent left, Grandmama in Walestown. My mother calls her the wicked witch of the west and she used to say she came to visit on a broomstick. She is nice really, if a bit Dougal-esque :)

24. Describe your keys:
I borrow Chris's keys. We need to get a new one cut. Then I will attach Bob the Rainbow Trout and all will be well with the world.

25. Where do you keep your change?
In my purse, you pillock.

26. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people?
My lecture for my final year project I think. Ooooh that was scary

27. What kind of winter coat do you have?
A big black one with buttons that fall off and a ripped lining. I need a new coat.

28. What was the weather like on your graduation?
It was very sunny, with sun and sunshine and light and the usual things that come with the sun.

29. Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed?
Even if it's closed Jinx opens it to wake us up. We can't win really.

Suck But No Blow: 36

Because I have used the word "porn" in this sentence lots of porn-looker-for-ers will stumble across my page and get annoyed. Ho ho ho.

Enjoy.

Suck But No Blow 36


Outtakes #1: Cat Escapes Mid Filming


Outtakes #2: My Acting Downfall and the Beginning of Blair's Movie Star Career





CREDITS

The Fixer: Mr Christopher D. Bate
Lady McHotass (The Fixee): Mr Blair Frame
Failed Lady McHotass: Miss Kylie "Plastic Dog" Posnett
Cat: Miss Jinx (the Cat)

"Duck Pancakes" - A Poem of Warning

Pancake, pancake, pancake
Toothpaste, toothpaste, sock
Spongecake, spongecake, spongecake
Stick of, stick of rock

Cocker, cocker spaniel
Herpes, rabies, mange
Raping ducks is clever
Kissing ducks is strange

Wobble! Wobble! Wobble!
I'm falling from a tree!
I cannot cope
This duck's anus,
It wasn't meant for me

Bang! Bang! Bang!
(Not in the sexual sense)
Broken legs and broken arms
But what's the duck's defense?

"Quack! He did it, him!"
The duck began to say
An officer was taking note,
"More backup's on its way."

Nee-nah, nee-nah, nee-nah
Handcuffs, guns and cars
There's no escaping punishment
I'm going behind bars

So what's the lesson here, good friends,
The moral to my tale?
You rape a duck
You pay the price
Of feathery betrayal

Leave the fucking things alone
For God's sake, Mary Jane
They'll rape you back, metaphorically
With ducky, fucky pain.

Boo!

It is me. Hello.

I haven't blogged for three weeks. Well I never. How unusual.

I've just finished by first week at Barclays. We have shiny folders full of shiny pictures and text telling us what we're going to be doing for the next six months, with many a spelling mistake, but then you can't expect accuracy from banks can you? I am part of a team of about 50 dogsbodies helping to merge Woolwich customers' accounts to Barclays ones. Woolwich has been bought out by Barclays you see. It's all very fascinating. Banks, eh? They're great.

Today, on two occasions I noticed that my flies were undone. I hope there is no defect in my trousers and that nobody noticed. I was quite bored at lunch so I drew pictures entitled "A Shocked Macaroon" and "Escher's Goose".

Since the last time I metaphorically stabbed your mind with a HUGE DAGGER OF BLOG I have also started playing The Sims again. There is now a me (Kylini) and a Christophe and we have three wizard children (Little Barry Puppet Teeth, Bastardface and Eggchrist). We have set up camp next to Bob and Betty Newbie and everything seems to be going just fine. You can see us as Sims on Chris' blog by the way. Unfortunately we both have crap hair. I did my best but I had limited resources.

Anyway...

THE ADVENTURES OF KYLINI AND CHRISTOPHE BONGO - EPISODE 1

Kylini and Christophe Bongo move into Bongo Towers with a little money but bugger all else. Except the wizard kids (they have hats and capes and everything).

Paper girl arrives. Kylini and Chris are offered the same job - Daredevil. Oh, how true to life, except in real life we were both offered jobs with the AA. You can clearly see the similarities though.

Buy groovy new bookcase, beds for the kids and a sink for the bathroom, plus a TV and stereo. They all watch Seinfeld together and everyone is joyous. Hurray.

Meanwhile, over at Bob and Betty's, Betty calls Bastardface. In an epic twist, we find that she is unable to get hold of him as he is at school.

Some rubbish goes mouldy and fly-infested. Kylini saves the day with her outstanding cleaning abilities.

Bob and Betty come round. There's a big conversation on the subject of octopuses. Bob and Betty aren't impressed with this. They clearly have better things to talk about. Ignorant bastards.

During a TV-watching session, Kylini and Christophe descend into argument as Christophe attempts to hog the TV to watch cartoons.

To diffuse the tension Christophe and Kylini spend an hour or so brushing up on their cookery and mechanics knowledge respectively using the brand new super duper groovy bookcase. All is well with the world.

Time freezes, Knightmare style. Kylie plays Lemmings instead.

THE END

Le weekend

Qu'est-ce que tu as fait au weekend, Kylie? Alors, je vais te tell maintenant. En francais in parts. Mal francais avec bad grammar et pas de accents. So there. Geddoverit, spoons.

Vendredi

J'ai done lots of fencing with mon new friend, Salamander Bruce. He bought me a new sword thing so I decided to try it out. ON HIS SALAMANDER BRAINS, MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!


He deeeead now. RIP Bruce.

It's his own fault for changing colour like a crazy colour-changing lizard. Freak.

Samedi

LORDY LORDY LOO
I made a pointy shoe. For you. And a gnu. Woohoo. Just the one thooooough.

Buckaroo.
Dimanche

I danced in the morning when the world was young


- I'm older than I look. That's me there on the left.


I danced in the moon and the stars and the sun

- that was quite a challenge. They're quite far apart from each other and the last two are a bit balmy.


I came down from heaven and I danced on the earth

- I parachuted.


At Bethlehem I had my birth

- Which is a lie. I was born in Leicester Royal Infirmary.


I danced for the scribes and the Pharisees

- They needed someone at short notice. Jill Halfpenny cancelled on them.


They wouldn't dance, they wouldn't follow me

- They're dead now so it might have been a bit much to expect anything more.


I danced for the fishermen James and John
They came with me so the dance went on

- Nice blokes. They gave me a free trout.


I danced on the Sabbath and I cured the lame

- Oh yeah, go me.


The holy people said it was a shame

- They must have been in the wheelchair business.


They ripped, they stripped, they hung me high


- There they are. They were Full Monty holy people from a BDSM cult.


Left me there on the cross to die

- Bastards.


Then I did a blog post. This is she. Her name is Petunia. Petunia Ripplemoose.

Bacon lardons.

Ooooooooooh Chimpanzee that! Monkey News

And here are the headlines: -

*BONG*

I HAVE NO JOB
I didn't lose my job at BT, but I jolly well gave it up! I started last Thursday with several other nice-and-jobworthy-but-somehow-out-of-work people, all from different agencies. Many people have told me things about BT, mainly not good (hello David), but I thought I'd give them a chance. Kat seems to be doing well after all. Also it gave me the opportunity to get away from my old job. I really should have known better.

- Within an hour of us being there, we were hurried off into a tiny round-sofa-ed kitchen area in the middle of the office to be "welcomed" into the company and told of BT's rules. And that by Monday at the latest we would be "on the phones bringing money in!" Oh the joy!

- There will be no eating of any food at your desk, except boiled sweets. It looks "unprofessional" and apparently, when you do so, food becomes lodged in your throat thus preventing any further answering of calls throughout the day. This rule used to be limited to hot food only but a couple of months ago some member of senior management decided the working environment wasn't strict enough. Anyone found to be eating at their desk will be taken to the Naughty Room and cautioned by their plebby team leader.

- There will be no breaks during the day except for a half-hour lunch break. This excludes toilet breaks (oh BT, with these toilet breaks you are really spoiling us).

- There will be no personal internet usage, unless you come to work half an hour early or you luuurve the company and like to stay in the office during above mentioned lunch break.

- Mobile phones must be switched off at all times. Silent mode is not an option. Employees of BT must be aware that during office hours they are dead to the world. No outside phone call is too important.

- No staff will be given permanent contracts (except senior management) - one employee has been temping for 10 years. Secular-God help him.

Etc etc blah blah blah. All during our first day. Me and three others spent most of the day in a meeting room known as "The Freezer" (we had to wear coats) being trained on the database and accounting systems we were to be using. One of the team leaders led the presentation ("do you all know how to use a mouse?"/"some people don't like the rules, but you have to obey"). He kindly gave us two extra 10-minute breaks in which we went to the canteen to chat about each of our various escape routes. One of the guys in our group was a partly-trained accountant with a Biomedical Sciences degree, and I spent a lot of time chatting to a lady who had recently set up a vintage boutique, but needed a job to tie her over while it got off its feet. Both clever people, both patronised for the entirety of the day by some "I'm bloody great and you will respect me" Gareth-from-The-Office type. I really hope they're not still there by the end of the week.

Anyway yes, by the end of the day I was actually laughing at the crap that was spouting from "Gareth"'s mouth. I decided I wasn't going back tomorrow and sent an email to that effect to the agency guy who had given me a job, thanking him for the opportunity nevertheless.

I went for a job interview with Dudley Council on Friday. I was supposed to have gone to see them on Thursday but for obvious reasons couldn't. It went very well and the people seemed very nice. They have three vacancies scattered around the region and I said I didn't have any preference, so I suspect they're trying to find people to fill all three posts before they get back to me. I hope I get the job.


*BONG*

I MIGHT COME BACK TO WARWICK FOR LUNCH THIS WEEK
as I have no job and need to spend some time packing my room before I move out proper on Saturday. I miss South Central and the Union and of course everyone. Shall we go up to the Grad? :)

If any of you want to go shopping in Brum or for lunch or something this week let me know. Go on, twill be fun. Spoon.


*BONG*

I HAVE A COLD
Atchoo.


*BONG*

I JUST PUT JINX OUT
and she came straight back in and did a poo in the litter tray.


*BONG*

I MIGHT GO TO MERRY HILL TODAY
Despite having no money, it will pass the time away. Maybe I will buy a penny sweet.


*BONG*

NO LEAVING DO TILL I HAVE MORE MONEY
I promise I'll come back to Coventrar soon for some kind of leaving drinky thing. For now I have £30 in the world so I can't afford it.


*BONG*

I HAVE AN ITCY NECK
My neck is itchy and I'm off to scratch it.


That was the news *shuffles papers*

MUSIC: *Doooooooooo do do doooooooooo* BONG BONG BONG

I have a job!!!

Hurrah! A nice man from an agency called me at lunchtime today asking if I could start tomorrow! It's with BT doing credit control in Wolver-o-hampton city centre. So yes, I'm starting tomorrow.

Goodbye, cruel office.

I went to see my boss after I'd heard, and he said, "Can't they let you start on Monday", to which I replied, "NO! No, you silly man. They need me tomorrow. Bumhole and spew to you. Muahahahahaha!" Well, I didn't say that, but I stood my ground and told him no and went over what needed to be tied up and he had to deal with it. So there. I don't care any more. I've done my bit and that is all that I will be doing.

Tonight I will pack a bag and train-it to Chris's house ready for my 9:30am start. Maybe I will no longer have South Central chicken-cranberry-sauce-cream-cheese baguettes but maybe that's a good thing. The Baguette Lady won't be able to mock me for my choices any more. But no more lunches with Hilmi and Esther. Humph. We'll have to do it at the weekend somewhere else... Pizza Express, anyone? ;)

I'll be back lots. Plus I'll be paying rent for the next week so I might be back for Fabulous, depending on how much I need to pack. As I said before, invite me to everything and tell me all the gossip as I will miss Pride politics... ho ho ho.

I must go and pretend to work for my last hour now. Bye bye!

P.S. Leaving do is in the pipeline :D

Bye bye Warwick and a cautious "Yaaay!"

Oh, many things to report from the past couple of days. Things are actually moving forward. Because I'm making them. I don't like my job and I'm bored of Coventry and its concrete and I need a change and a career. I will of course miss all you Warwick people, and I expect many visits both from and to you in the future. Don't leave me out of any house party invites. Or else. But it's been almost two years since I've graduated and I have nothing but a string of "I still want to be a student" jobs to show for it. Plus it's getting harder and harder to be away from Chris for any length of time. For the first night in over a week we won't be together tonight and I know I'm going to be mopey and teary in true Kylie fashion for the rest of the day. Yes anyway, I'll get to the point...

The following things have happened since yesterday: -

1. Monday morning: I had a small "arrrrgh I can't take this job any longer" panic for the manyth time in the past few weeks. I decided having a job was stopping me getting a job. I haven't got time to apply apply apply while I'm working and travelling backwards and forwards to Chris's. Apply apply apply is exactly what got me my Student Finance job within a couple of weeks this time last year. Apply apply apply is what I need to do and I need stress-free time out of work to do it. SO: I decided I would set a date about 4 weeks in the future after which I would leave my current job. Which means handing in my notice in three weeks. No more work. No more being alone in pokey office with nobody to talk to and no impossibly scary work to do.


2. Monday afternoon: I applied for two new temping agencies, both recommended by Chris. One of them called me back asking me to see them on Tuesday morning with my passport and a payslip. The other has emailed me with a typing test which I will do after work.


3. Monday evening: I went straight from work to Chris's. No need to get up at 6:30 on Tuesday morning, as my interview was down the road at 10am! Woohoo!


4. Tuesday morning: Went to Career Prospects with my passport and a payslip, and they said they thought they'd be able to get me work easily, but most of their temp jobs are "start tomorrow" type things, so she wouldn't really be able to help me till I finish where I am now. "Tick-tock," went my brain. I did a typing speed test thingy, and got 51 wpm. The lady said "wow" and that she hadn't seen that for a while :) and there was me being disappointed because I'd previously got 60 wpm...


5. ALSO another agency rang me saying I'd be able to get an interview for another job in Wolverhampton city centre on Thursday. I'm just waiting for them to call me now.


6. Tuesday afternoon: A different lady from Career Prospects called asking if I'd be interested in a job with Dudley Council, saying she'd arrange an interview for Thursday afternoon. I said YES YES YES.


7. My supervisory type lady asked how the interview with the agency went, and added that it would be ok for me to leave without giving her a week's notice if something came up... cue Kylie frantically emailing lady from this morning to say I can start now and please, please, PLEASE give me a job.


8. BIG NEWS: I emailed my landlady giving her notice till next weekend (17th Feb).

In conclusion: a reserved "yay!" and, job or no job, I will be leaving Coventry next weekend at the latest. All kinds of emotions. I had to just go to the toilets for a small sob to release the happydespairjoyexcitement which has been building up for a good while now.

To Warwick people: bye bye, I will miss you all, and I'll arrange some kind of lovely drinky Fuck Off Plastic Dog party before I leave if I can. Although bear in mind I'll have no money so I may be sober. Facebook and MSN me often when I'm gone as I will need all the gossip.

To new Quarry Bank/surrounding area people: HELLO! I'm on my way! Please be my friend and I will make you shiny things and buy you drinks and pat you on the head and things. I look forward to many adventures with you in the future :)

To Chris: Thank you thank you thank you for letting me stay at yours at short notice and for changing my life and opening many lovely new doors for me. And for everything. I love you and I can't wait to live with you properlike. Wahey! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hmm. This is weird. I feel like I'm drafting this for a month's time or something. I don't feel like I'm really leaving yet. I'm sure it will hit me soon.

Let's release all the emotion with a smiling fish.

Observations

Spaniels + coffee = spaniel coffee

Hedges + sausages + life = dancing hedge sausages

Cows + ears = cows with too many ears

Triceratops + peas = carnage (they don't like peas)

Wolves + carpenters + wood = shelves with wolves on them

Eggs + pegs = a mess (the eggs get cracked, the pegs get all gloopy and wet - it's really not worth the bother)

Ants - ants' legs + otters' legs = monsters


Today I came to work on the bus/train/legs from Chris' house. On the way, I listened to the radio, wondered where Doncaster was, noted the worrying number of child commuters (one was reading the Metro in a businessman-like holding-newspaper pose), ate a double chocolate cookie from Millie's, queued for aaages as the FastTicket machines were broken and drew a fine picture of a nun with a twirly leg floating through space:

After work I'll be going back to Brum to show my passport to the people at a temping agency. They potentially have an interview lined up for me with BT on Friday, hurroo! In my interview I plan to wow them by begging and promising shiny things. How can it fail?

Spoon spoon.