Blah and the letter "A"

Bored. Sick of job. Sick of Coventry. If anyone asks me to do any work today I don't think I'll be able to resist throttling them to death. Not a good quality for a PA. Still, it was a wondrous weekend with Christophe and ponies and such.

WAHEY!!! It's Christina the Wonder Pony...

...and me, the less wondrous but ever-loving pony-mother...

...in a bloody amazing little bar on Spon Street. How I have managed to avoid a whole street of cool bars after 2 1/2 years of living here is beyond my little mind. It was also Claire and Matthew Stonky's birthday house party. I had lots of punch and Dooley's and twas joyous. Merci Monsieur Stonkers et Madame Clairetta et bon anniversaire etc etc.

***NEWS FLASH***
I have decided to launch a series of blog posts based on the letters of the alphabet. I need all the procrastinatory inspiration I can get until a new and better job comes along - Derek the Inspiration Hawk is on holiday for an indefinite period.

Numero Uno:

A is for Asparagus:

I have never had asparagus and have always wondered if I should try it. Apparently it is an aphrodisiac but I'm not so sure as it looks like a prettier version of celery to me, and celery is not something I find even remotely arousing.

A is for Aunties:

My brother with Mad Aunt Gertrude on Christmas Day

One of my aunties has an asbo but the rest are ok. Mad Aunt Gertrude especially noted for her ability to take up trousers and for household advice. And for big pants at Christmas.


A is for Alan Partridge :D

I know a cracking owl sanctuary

A is for Antennapedia (or why I chose to do Biol Sci for my degree :)) :

Legs as antennae! CRAZINESS!!!

Ah, the joys of biology...

A is for Allosaurus and Andi Peters:

Allosaurus

Andi Peters

What a winning combination that would be.

Someone's just given me some work to do. I'm off to throttle them as I don't want to miss lunch at 1.

Poetry Corner with Derek the Inspiration Hawk

Hello.

Look! A poem.



"Derek the Inspiration Hawk"
by A Plastic Dog

Hark! It's a hawk.
Squalk.
Pork.
Tapping at my window like a biscuit on a fork.

Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap
Rap, rap, rap, rap, rap, rap, rap (for the hawk liked Eminem)
Spake the hawk unto my ear
The following for me to hear:

"Here's your inspiration, chuck.
Put it in your blogging book.
Spaniel, dachshund, collie, greyhound
Locust, parsnip, lettuce, muck."

And with that the hawk, he left
All at once I felt bereft
The hawk that took away my pain
Buggered off into the rain

NEVER TO RETURN AGAIN!

Alas, alack, my egg was cracked
A thousand pigeon workers sacked
And so my story dies its death
Like that Emmerdale guy called Seth

And a song and quote by Christopher Bate:

"Hugo Myatt's got a bum" (repeat to fade)


"Sometimes you need to cry
Sometimes you need to be sick
And sometimes you just need a big poo"

La la la la la la la la lalalalalaaaa la laa laa laaaaaa

--> That was my rendition of "Deck the Halls", the popular Christmas ditty. I do hope you enjoyed it. I have been rehearsing all day.

Yes anyway. So, tis Christmas and that. WOOOOOOOOOOOO! I have had several thousand presents (divided by 100 = 10s of presents) and they were all very nice. Well, I say all. I had the usual big pants from my aunt but they are always useful for... well, dusters... hmm... But she also bought me some rather wondrous fluffy multicoloured socks. I like fluffy socks. They are fluffy.

I also got an IPod, loads of Ruby and Millie make up, some Eddie Izzard (a DVD, not a physical chunk of the man himself), a few CDs, clothes, some Kylie perfume (oh, my parents are hilarious, but it does smell nice) and other stuff of immense joy. Yay! I love Christmas! I have taken many photos of pigs in blankets (not literally), my outstanding table laying skills and Jesus and Jesus in various poses. I will put them on Facebook and maybe Blogger when I have time.

I have prettified my blog! I still need to change the colours but I will do so when I have time. Which will probably be when I'm back at work. Ha. It's great having your own office with nothing to do :)

Here is a small poem/carol to keep you going:

Jesus
Jesus
Jesus
Jesus
BONG
BONG
BONG
BONG
Jesus
Jesus
Jesus
Jesus
SONG
SONG
SING
SONG

Jesus is our friend, Jesus till the end!
Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala
FUNKY ROTTWEILER!!!!!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! (Repeat to fade)


Happity Christmas everyone!

Shhhh...

I'm at work so I really shouldn't be blogging. Never mind eh? It was an accident. I blame the Evil Pink Dog staring at me from beside my monitor.

Soooo... I have a new job! I have my own little office. Here is me looking scared in said room with Evil Pink Dog staring menacingly over my shoulder:

I have gone from chatting to nice student types about their money problems and making small paper hats out of cheques to taking orders from scary lecturer blokeys and organising a conference at very short notice with no conference (or other!) organisation skills whatsoever :S *shakes with fear*

AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Still, all the other admin people are nice and always invite me for tea and biscuits in their building. For they are in a separate building altogether and I am here on my lonesome. Weepity weep. I have my Maltesers advent calendar and Disco Jesus to keep me company though. Today's advent calendar door says "The first Malteser ball was born in 1936", which has put a worrying image in my mind of a situation with some kind of pregnant mammalian chocolate creature and a celery midwife using candy canes as forceps *whimper*. Not even chocolate can help me!

Oh listen to me babbling. I'm so very bored. Look at that man with that banana

P.S. Does anyone know how I can get the "About me"/Links etc section back to its rightful position? I know usually it ends up at the bottom if you post a picture that's too big, but I haven't! Any help would be muchos appreciated. Merci x

My wonderful Welsh family

I didn't post much before because I only felt able to blog when I had an idea for a post in mind. This was quite a rare occurrence. Why I do not know, when you consider this little gem of an anecdote...

I have family in Rhondda, South Wales. My grandma on my mum's side of the family married a Welshman, they had seven kids and lived happily ever after on the side of a big green mountain. Well, my granddad died in 1991 but my grandma is still living happily in the same house on the side of the same big green mountain. It's a bugger to get to, particularly if you're the travel-sick-y type like me. My mum swears that you can see my grandma standing outside her house on Google Earth. Anyway my mum and one of her brothers now live in my hometown of Leicester, and her only sister lives on the banks of Inverness. They saved themselves while they could. My other four uncles still live in Wales. Let's just say that particular area seems to be something of a bad influence on its inhabitants. I'll call it the Curse of the Valleys, or the Curse of the Big Green Mountain, if you'd prefer.

Take, for instance, my Uncle Robert and his wife. I was going to write a short paragraph of explanation here but

1. I have to go to bed as I have a job interview tomorrow morning

and

2. THIS explains itself :D (if my mum finds out I've done this she'll go crazy. Oh well.)

God knows what I'd have turned out like if my mum had stayed on that Big Green Mountain. Heehee.

I'm back...

...with more inspiration than ever before! I have a new and wonderful muse who has inspired me to metaphorically get off my arse and start blogging again. Metaphorically, not literally, because to be honest, the fact that my boyfriend lives in a different part of the country is keeping me sitting at my computer for much longer than is healthy. What the hell, I don't care. His messages make me very happy and keep me sane. It takes a lot to keep me sane (see previous post) so he is doing very well indeed. *Pats Chris on the back and gives him a very nice biscuit*

I'm also aware that too much sanity is a very, very harmful thing. So here I go again...

The most recent job advert posted by my temping agency made me laugh for quite some time:

A radio station based in Coventry are looking to recruit 3 Promotional People to work on Saturday 6th, Monday 11th, Tuesday 12th, Wednesday 13th and Thursday 14th December.
1 person will be required to dress up as a Christmas Pudding and the other 2 people will act as escorts for the pudding.
You will be working as part of their Christmas competition. You will walk around Coventry town centre and members of the public will approach the pudding and tell them a joke. If the pudding laughs at the joke then the member of public will win tickets to a show.

Tis good, yes? I think so. I would make an excellent pudding. I would scare the children and make up some kind of pudding-like dance and everything. I'm a grafter, me. A big, pudding-shaped grafter.
Hmm maybe not.

The Story of Jon Chappell

As you are no doubt aware, our good friend Jonathan Carl Chappelllellelelleeellelelle is soon to bugger off to China for a year. May Jesus rest his soul and give him the strength to learn to fly with the Chinese otters of success. Here is a biographical epic that I have penned for the occasion. And all because the lady loves it really. Jonathan Chappell, THIS IS YOUR LIFE...


Jonathan Carl Petunia Scrotum Chappell was born on 1 January (like all horses) (not that he is a horse, that's not what I'm trying to say) in 1997 at Nuttal Memorial Hospital, Kingston, Jamaica to Barbara and Kenneth Chappell - best known for a series of tribute dolls in their image popular in the late 50s.

The happy couple were later shot dead and little Jon was parented by the wolves for several years before he was taken in by those he now calls his parents, who discovered him while out wolf shopping on holiday when Jon was 7.

At an early age - well it's still early I know, but earlier than now - Jon found that he had within him a burning passion to dance. Scottish reels, line dancing, just jumping up and down, you name it, Jon did it. Horace, his kind wolf-mother-guardian-thing, took time out of her busy career as a nail technician to take Jon to his daily dance classes in the ocean where Jon danced the night away with his fellow dance enthusiast animal friends. Every available minute was spent in the water, explaining Jon's development of a fine set of (invisible) gills and fins and his unfortunate lack of ability to dance on dry land.

However, dancing was not his only passion...

One day, our Chappellular friend found that he was looking at the world in a different light. "Why do we have nail cuticles?" he pondered. "Why don't you ever see a monkey having a period?" Horace was of course unable to provide suitable answers to these questions, leaving Jon frustrated and hungry for further knowledge. Jon knew that he was onto something.

The wolves were overjoyed when they heard the news that Jon was applying for a batchelors' degree in Lupine Philosophy at the University of Warwick, and up until the successful completion of his course Jon was sponsored by The Jamaican Wolf Child Institute for Pointless Degrees. Don't try and argue with that Jon, I've seen your records at work :). When the Institute compared the two main first degrees available from Warwick's Philosophy department (BA Bog-Standard Philosophy and BA Lupine Philosophy), Lupine Philosophy was deemed "too relevant" to human life and as such Jon's sponsor insisted that he take the first of the two options. Which he did, although reluctantly. And what a life choice it was, for it was while studying at Warwick that Jon learned that time goes forward and not backwards as he had once believed.

Today, at the young whippersnapper age of 9, CoOp sales assistants nationwide are still asking to see Jon's photograph and life history in the form of his passport. This surely can only be down to the joy they feel when reminded of his amazing story. The happiness exhibited in Jon's expression when such individuals decline alcohol on the basis that it is not worthy to pass through His hands is quite something to behold, and an experience few of us will forget in a hurry.

BEHOLD, JONATHAN CARL CHAPPELL AND HIS LIFE OF WONDER!

(Can we have the Gamecube back please? You won't have time to play it in China ;).)

Yet another poem about animals...

Dog
Hog
Frog
Mog

Monkey

Fish
Squish(ed) fish

Gnu

Phew

My bum is wet

Against all my better judgement, I have been on the rapids at the fair AGAIN. This was over four hours ago and my bum is still wet. Also due to Johnson's Holiday Skin my arms are like those of an albino zebra after one application. *Thinks* Zebras with arms, good or bad? ARGH, ZEBRAS WITH ARMS!!! ZEBRAS ABLE TO CHEW GRASS, AND THROW GRENADES!!! VERY, VERY BAD! *Blocks said animals from memory to minimize emotional scarring*

Phew.

Well I was going to make this post longer, but I have decided that I have forgotten what I was going to say. So there.

Oh the bitter pill of self-delusion (a poem inspired by Kate Bush and others)

We all love trees
We don't love fleas
We all love cheese
We don't like peas

Please, oh please
We cannot choose
Between an egg

















and pointy shoes
















You make us die
You make us cry
Blah blah blah fly
And blah blah Pi

3.1415926
53589793
23846264
33832795
02884197
16939937
51058209
74944592
30781640
62862089
98628034
82534211
70679821
48086513
28230664
70938446
09550582
23172535
94081284
81117450
28410270
193852110...

*Sigh*

My oh my! You make a lie! Why, oh why? WHY, WHY, WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?!

WHY?

WHY?

WHY?

Rye is why.

OH YES.

Now die.

Or become bi (if you are not already).

Or dry (your clothes, or your hair, both of which may have just been washed).

Or fry SOME EGGS.

But all of it is ultimately pointless

Off we slide into the Comatic Land of Doom. Mushroom.

By the way...

I know the pictures have fucked up the layout of my blog, so don't bother telling me. Unless you know how to change it.

Also a new poll to follow soon when I'm particularly bored of telling finalists they can't graduate until they've cleared their debts tomorrow.

Plastic Dog xxx

Joyous joy of joys

A new post. MY BLOG HAS RISEN FROM THE ASHES LIKE A PHOENIX OF DEATH. I think Jesus and his monkey slaves must have something to do with it.

Speaking of Jesus and his monkey, look what I just found by typing "jesus monkey" into Google Image Search:


Sadly, the monkey has taken this image back to his lair :(

BUY IT FOR ME NOW PLEASE

I forgot how wonderful image posting was! I've missed my blog! Maybe I will go overboard and post more images. Watch me go, Mr Salamander...

I never knew there were so many Jesus-monkey-related images out there

Look it is a parsnip

A/some (?) celeriac

An axolotl in a suit

A murderous Irish TV presenter in a suit stolen from a suspiciously dead pilot

Your mum (apparently)

I want pizza you taunting bastards!


I'll leave it there and go to Sainsbury's. I would just like to add though that I hate Jon and Matt and will find my revenge in the near future. Death to you both!!!

Shamefully late update

I've been bad and not updated for weeks, I know (sorry). I am putting it down to not working for Prof Coffee any longer, and therefore not being able to spend all day on t'internet looking at www.bored.com, www.rathergood.com, www.drawapig.com etc. Poor Coffee still has no PA, muahahahahaha. Well anyway, I am now in the Resources Room, which means I am at a computer, and have internet access, and all is well with the world. Hello! Happy Christmas! Do they let you use Paint for pointless blog drawings in the Resources Room? There's only one way to find out...

So, I'm moving out of Stanway Road on Friday as my lodgees don't need a lodger any more. They have made a grave mistake! Look at the photographic(ish) evidence of my room before, during and after my living there:





The fire may have something to do with the candles in the previous picture. Of course it will be entirely accidental ;).

Ok so that was just an excuse to draw pretty (ahem) pictures. I'm bored! The Xanana's social, Wind Orchestra and Top B have all abandoned me for four weeks!!! FOUR WEEKS! I've been in the Resources Room for about 2 1/2 hours now, and I'm very surprised they haven't chucked me out...

I guess I should make some effort to go home now. Au revoir mes petits cochons d'inde :D

Shhhhh

I've been taken captive by an expert on coffee. They lock me into a room in a building filled with crazy ladies who use bumbags as handbags, Patsy Stone and Jimmy Saville. They feed me on cheese and potatoes and water. In some kind of strange sleep-deprivation-torture-esque way they wait until I am about to write a blog entry and immediately make walking-past-my-room noises so I have to minimise the window. I need mindless internet surfing! Comment me your phone number and I'll call you back from my work phone to arrange my escape, you'll know it's me by the call phrase "Switchboard? I'm calling from the CSRI, we don't have intranet access to get extension numbers ourselves, give me the number for Tony Partridge, PLEEEEASE DON'T HANG UP ON ME AND TELL ME TO LOOK ON THE INTRANET!" - tis a common phrase round these dungeons so nobody will suspect a thing. You won't have access to this secret annex of the Clinical Sciences Building but I'll pass my ID card under the door as arranged and this will should work. Just help me, somebody. Please, before Professor Coffee removes my heart for medical research.


Translation: Interviews for the new PA took place today. Nobody, not even the present receptionist with a knowledge of the building and people and experience of covering for his colleagues' PAs, was given the job. Meaning I will probably have the job for more than 1-2 months. Oh yay.

Important date for your diary

20th October = Uterus Day

(according to a leaflet I found lying around in the photocopier room).

Remember it

Oh look, a map of Gibbet Hill which I found on my computer.


It appears that Jesus has hacked into the system at the Clinical Sciences Research Insitute, Clinical Sciences Building, Clifford Bridge Road, COVENTRY, CV2 2DX with his pet sheep Derek, and named the area according to his favourite words. Ooh he is a one, that Jesus. Perhaps I will not tell Professor Coffee. Perhaps I will simply delete the picture and show Jesus once and for all that it is just not on.

For now, I will leave you with a link to a picture of a cat eating a sausage.

The Perculiarities of Time

It is days like these when I really feel that I have earned the full £2 an hour that I am paid. Yesterday went strangely quickly, which was nice. However, today has gone generally slowly, with the exception of the last half hour, which has squizzled into nothing - ah, the wonders of Pacman. I get to go home in 27 minutes, hurrah! Well, officially it would be in 55 minutes, but the Professor (according to his diary) is at a "hypertension clinic, Coventry and Warwickshire Hospital" and thus will have no work for me to do. Oh what a great great shame.

When I say I have no work to do, I am really lying, for I could go downstairs to see Evil Jimmy Saville and get some stuff from the stationary stores. However, although I'm sure he will Fix It For Me I don't think he will do so in the same way as the real Monsieur Saville. Hence the name.

Anyway the above two paragraphs were just an introduction to my main thought of the day:

I think it would be wonderful if vegetables had faces, then they could eat things.

The end.

The Animal Kingdom

"The Animal Kingdom" by Kylie Posnett

I like donkeys
I like wolves
I like pandas
I like squirrels
I like chickens
When they hatch
I like pickled dingos

But I hate ponies with a passion
People who ridicule snakes, now they really get my goat
You would think I'd take advantage of the fact that "goat" rhymes with "stoat"

But no.

For this is a poem that only occasionally rhymes
And rather an intelligent one at that
Lalalalalalaaaaaa
Bob Monkhouse, Jim Bowen, Roy Walker, cat

The Animal Kingdom is very big
Much, much larger than a fig
If you were to tell some workmen to dig
A hole big enough to fit the Animal Kingdom intoig
They wouldn't be able to make it big
Enoughig

Animals, animals, woo woo woo
Very much like God's own poo
Which is a good thing, don't you knoo?
Let's finish with a word like "zoo"

Beware the blog that has no ears!

I have made the decision that this is not another of my "I will post more often from now on, honest" posts. As they clearly don't work :). I have, however, been incredibly underworked recently (and overpaid, but let's not dwell on that as it is unarguably a rather lovely thing) so I may post much more regularly from now on. And look, my blog is scarily different! Hurrah! It is pretty and green, like some snot moulded into a tiny singing hedgehog.

Since my last post, I have been freed from the Warwick Accommodation Pit of Ming (TM) and as of Monday 26th September have been working as a PA/Secretary for Professor Francesco Cappuccio of the new Clinical Sciences Research Institute of Warwick Medical School, based at Walsgrave Hospital. "Snigger!" I hear you... erm... snigger, "Our Kylie (as you are all Liverpudlians), a PA?! She can't even brush a vole's fur without removing all of its hair!" And you would not be wrong. Also I have been punished accordingly for the vole thing, so please leave me in peace as regards that.

Now, Prof Cappuccino (as he will be referred to from now on) is part of a new group of learned individuals involved in research on... hearty blood pressure... stuff... oh I don't know, I'm not a biologist. Look at his page, and more importantly, my name - no dodgy emails though, or you die, and I lose my job, and they really couldn't do without my superb PA skills as you can imagine. Yes anyway the group is new, and consists of Prof Coffee and another lecturer, Michelle Margaret Manhattan Mole Monkey Madness Miller. That's right, two people. As a result, I have absolutely no work to do and have been driven to entertain myself in any way possible in a pokey office containing nothing but a desk, phone, computer and me. Ahem. So, the past two weeks have been taken up by the following: -

• looking at the BBC website and reading about a new species of tarantula they've discovered in Newquay
• challenging myself to find the end of my sellotape (which I will call "Franz") in record time. As you can imagine this is becoming increasingly hard and is taking up less and less time.
• looking at the BBC website and retaking the Test the Nation tests
• disassembling my pen
• looking at the BBC website and gasping in awe at the new BBC Weather Photo of the Week. This can only be done once a week.
• reassembling my pen
• going to www.boredatwork.com, which I found whilst typing random but appropriate phrases between "www." and ".com"
• going to the BBC website and immediately closing the page
• starting a blog entry and closing the window to display my emails every time I hear signs of life in the corridor outside my office. Hence the time it is taking for me to write this entry - it is now 12:05pm...
• looking in the mirror to see whether I am Jesus Christ. This needs to be done regularly.
• exploring the many possibilities for my journey home using any one of a huge selection of TWM buses
• playing with my ID badge (it pings back!)
• lining the door with cheese to lure hungry gerbils looking for a chat

If you can think of any more ideas, please let me know.

I am going to go now, but I have a strong feeling I'll be blogging again later today. For now I will leave you with some new exciting links (see sidebar). I particularly enjoy the lettuce in "Food with Faces". Hurrah and huroo.

Good afternoon, Warwick Accommodation...

My blogging resolution did not work. However I am back, with an update on my ELECTRIFYING life. You may notice some strange choices of word here. I have decided that I have been using certain words (exciting, hurrah, woohoo and wow) far too much, so in another of my ongoing efforts to put "improve me" resolutions into practise, I am going to use the Microsoft Word (TM) Thesaurus as I construct this entry.

I am currently listening to the soundtrack to

which has been a rare occurrence lately; however, I have just returned from Alex's in Rob's car, while listening to Elaine Paige's top 10 musical programme thing on Radio 2, which put me in a musical mood. With such tremendously witty lyrics as:

"ROSALIA: When I will go back to San Juan.

ANITA: When you will shut up and get gone?

ROSALIA: Everyone there will give big cheer!

ANITA: Everyone there will have moved here!" (from "America")

why was it not even in the Top 10?! I hate Elaine Paige. She is a bitch. I would like to spike her drinks with poo.

I watched "Dirty Dancing" for the second time ever the other day. I came to the conclusion that I will never be attracted to Patrick Swayze, as he mings. That is all I have to say about the film.

I have begun my summer job at Warwick Accommodation. It is messing with my mind. Not only do I greet everyone I know with "Good morning/afternoon, Warwick Accommodation", but I wake up at 3am regularly in a cold sweat having nightmare-d about being chased by hoards of prospective students wanting to sacrifice me in voodoo rituals because I could not provide them with "the 39-week let on-campus ensuite accommodation that is so important to international students". I find myself rocking backwards and forwards in my chair answering imaginary emails as described below:

"Dear Bobolinia,

Unfortunately we do not allow students' relatives to stay in off-campus accommodation during term time, but I have attached a document containing details of landlords offering short term lets (the B-list). Hope this helps.

Regards,

Kylie"

and then... brace yourself for real terror... sending the email without attaching the B-list!!! It really doesn't bear thinking about. I need to get out of this job, and soon.

So... I have decided to become a hospital dogsbody. I will be sending my CV to them shortly.

"My father is a bastard,

My ma's an S.O.B.

My grandpa's always plastered,

My grandma pushes tea.

My sister wears a mustache,

My brother wears a dress.

Goodness gracious, that's why I'm a mess!"

Oh Mr Sondheim, you are quite the wit.

New career move

Having been "unsuccessful" in my application to start a Warwick PGCE next year, I am reconsidering my career options. This is a whole new exciting opportunity for me, so I am thinking very carefully about a wide range of potential jobs. Here are a few of my ideas so far:

1. Badger Catcher




2. Toad's Hat Manufacturer (what a fantastic hat)




3. Santa Claus

(Insert picture of Nick Mann here).


4. Pat (Rosie and Jim's barge driver)




5. Mr Sandman




6. Handlebar Moustache Groomer




7. Panda




8. Sycamore Seed




9. Kazooist




10. Poncho Saleswoman





The above options prove that the world is very much my oyster. So all is well.

I hereby declare a post-exam blogging resolution

I have decided to post regularly on my blog now that my final year project (and degree, woohoo!) is over. And you'd better have started reading it again or I will be so angry that steam will start coming out of my ears, like in cartoons and such. Then you'd feel guilty. And perhaps a little scared.

Here is a poem I have written about the evils of marzipan:


Marzipan

You have a squidgy texture, and are usually a creamy yellow colour.
But worst of all, you are MARZIPAN,
Which means you taste of almonds.

Almonds are the worst of all the nuts
I really think they spoil the huts
Of people who live in such abodes
And like to make Batternbergs loads and loads

Marzipan, marzipan, woo woo woo.
Very much like almonds' poo,
Which is a bad thing, don't you knoo?

I hate you.



I do hope you like it. I may write more poems about my hatred of certain foods - I think I have a lot of experiences to draw from.

Googlewhack fun (oh and hurrah I'm back)

HOW ARE THERE 241 RESULTS IN GOOGLE FOR "MICROCHIP CHEESECLOTH?!"

It appears that microchips are used to produce tofu, which has links with cheesecloth. "Pickle electrophoresis" has 570 results. More worryingly, "hamster electrophoresis" has "about 113 000" results, and "arse electrophoresis" about 22 500. Maybe electrophoresis is not the way to go, I think. "Exclusionary poo" has "about 15 200"!!!!!!! I despair, I really do.

Google whacking makes the world seem tres bizarre.

Shoehorn

You are all very strange people...

My friends would really like to call me: is buckle.
See what your friends would really like to call you today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Name Generator Generator.

Hyeeeeeeees.

I nearly just drank a lit pillar candle instead of my drink - senile dementia setting in.

I really am trying to use my time productively. Which is scary seeing as my "day of work" has so far consisted of the following:

• 8:30am Alarm wakes me up. Turn off alarm "for another couple of hours."
• 10:30am Alarm wakes me up. Decide am still too tired. Turn off alarm for another hour.
• 11:30am Alarm wakes me up.
• 11:45am Get up. Think about getting ready within the next three hours or so. So can start to work, maybe even in the library (shock horror). Shower and get dressed.
• 12pm Begin to write monster pointless post on Pride forum.
• 1pm Receive text from Phlib: "Hey. Will be in the Music Centre for the next couple of hours if you wanted to practise" - immediately forget plans about work - loitering opportunity! Text Phil back to say will be there in 45 minutes.
• 2pm Get to practise rooms. Practise the bassline of music from "The Piano" for 2 hours.
• 4pm Decide left little finger has had enough of bassline. By coincidence Phlibib has also finished in practise rooms, I assume with his left hand tired of the bassline from "The Entertainer".
• 4:15pm Get to bus stop on campus. Notice a lack of buses till 4:28pm. Loiter in Xananas with FAKE BUT STILL £1.20 ORANGE JUICE grrrrrrrr.
• 4:28pm Miss bus so race on camel-back to Earlson.
• 5pm Home - Stare at computer screen for a while after having checked emails four times. Remember I have work to do. Interesting that. Stare at computer screen some more, until...
• 6pm Make dinner. McCain Pizza Fingers (cheese and ham), baked potato and beans. Yes I am a 7-year-old child.
• 6:20pm Eat dinner.
• 6:30pm Watch "Doctor Who" with Alex and Phil. Will work afterwards.
• 7:24pm Come upstairs to work. After checking emails five times. And blogging. Oh and checking is there is some way of creating an exciting new MSN name by putting "generator" into Google (which there is).
• 8pm Battle a herd of invading badgers using parsnips, their biggest enemies. N.B. This is a prediction. It is only 7:56pm.

Yes so my finals are in less than two weeks. Time to tidy my room methinks...

To the Grand High Badger

Grand High Badger

Badgers Incorporated

Maybe-a-rodent-I'm-not-sure Drive

Badgerville Industrial Park

Badgerville

Badgerworld

Dear Grand High Badger,

I arrived at my father's approximately an hour ago specifically so that I could chat to people (not badgers) on MSN for a short while. Imagine my dismay to find that MSN was not allowing me to connect! I pressed "help" and found that the service was "not available". Usually I would put this down to MSN being unavailable, but recently I have noticed that I am hearing rather more growly noises and seeing rather more strangely badger-like pawprints around the streets of Leicester. Intriguing.

What is more, earlier today my brother went to get a towel out of the airing cupboard and out flew a "bee". Only it was a very big bee. Very big. And it was "buzzing" (or perhaps, Mr Grand High Badger, "GROWLING?!") very loudly. I put it to you, so-called "GHB", that this was not a bee, but a FLYING BADGER planted there to kill me off once and for all. It has not escaped my attention that the acronym of your title is an anagram of "GBH". And it is nearly "GHD", like the range of hair products.

The evidence is mounting in my favour. My phone has died, meaning that I lose all of my pictures and videos of unsuspecting victims talking about Jesus and miming sexual practises. I noticed that several of these pictures showed badgers in the background - COINCIDENCE???! Strange that these pieces of vital evidence should suddenly be unobtainable. Also the straw to my orange juice carton broke yesterday, preventing me from drinking essential orange juice and causing me to nearly die. COINCIDENCE???! I think not.

If I were you, GHB, I would seriously consider withdrawing your badgers from my life and targeting someone who deserves it, Mr Motivator perhaps. Either that or you will be hearing from my lawyers. Or my fish Bob. I don't know which. I haven't decided yet. But sort it - and soon.

Yours sincerely



Kylie Posnett
Badgerwatch

My exciting life since being home

Well, what can I say? I have had the most eventful of weekends. On Saturday, I went badger racing with Bob the Rainbow Trout. My badger, Stan Weaselfact, came third. Being a fish, and so having no money, Bob did not have a badger. Of course I would have loved for Stan to have won, but he was feeling slightly under the weather what with the copious alcohol consumption the night before and the flu he caught from Bob Carolgees. I've changed his trainer recently too so hopefully his technique will improve no end in the near future.

After the badger racing, I took Bob shopping on Fosse Park in Leicester to buy him a twinset. Then we went for a KFC where he had a Twister meal and I had a Crispy Strips meal. All this meant we missed the Stars in their Eyes Live Grand Final but you can't do everything.

Yesterday I force-fed Bob chocolate eggs through his stupid little fishy mouth. He didn't have time to chew and digest the food so he was left with pointy shapes protruding from his body from the pieces of broken egg. One of them punctured his skin so we had to take him to casualty. He had a few stitches but he is ok now. It clearly didn't leave enough time for much else that day so I put him to bed and watched "Most Haunted - Scare the Nation" from 10pm-1am. It's probably a good thing he was in bed at the time actually - usually when he watches Most Haunted with me he ends up levitating, shouting "WoooooooOOOOOOOAAAAAAHHHHHHH" and flying across the room, sometimes into nextdoor's front room if the windows are open. I find repeating "The power of Christ compels you" solves the problem, but you know, it's still a bit of an inconvenience when it happens all the same.

Today I am setting up a new religion called Wristianity. The main figure of worship will be Xod, who had a son called Geesus Wrist. There was this giant gerbil, who had previously frozen while doing star jumps thus remaining in a cross shape. Geesus Wrist jumped on the frozen gerbil when he wanted a hug and got stuck because of the ice, according to the Wible that is.

That was my weekend. Ish.

Haldo...

http://homestarrunner.com/disk4of12.html

I am back! Since I have last posted, I am sure most of (the two of) you will know that I have been doing a school placement in Leamington this week. What you also now know, seeing as I will be likely to have told you in person by the time you read this, is that I should be there now. And I should have been there yesterday. Yes, I am a terrible person. But while yesterday I was mainly being lazy, today I actually do feel quite ill. Despite this, I got up at 6:45 and got ready on time and everything, then I left the house (early I hasten to add) and the bus was just leaving the bus stop! I blame the badgers for that one.

So, I did think, "I will be too late for the first lesson. I will catch the bus in an hour for the second lesson." Guess what? THOSE DAMN BADGERS!!! I swear it was the Grand High Badger drivng the second Leamington bus out of my reach, growling as he went, like this: "GRRRRRRRRR." Seeing as it was only a three-lesson day today, I thought it would be stupid to do the hour journey to Sydenham, spend what would be 45 minutes in a lesson, and travel for an hour back to campus. Stupid. Instead I think I will call them after Easter and arrange to spend a few more days there post-finals.

Anyway must go, if I don't eat soon I think I might just faint. I will post more on my school experiences soon I hope.

Le Boomerang xxx

Hmmmm

My polls have been deleted from my Pollhost account! There's only one way to rectify that situation...

Flu of the brain

Anyone know of a nearby big field where I can go and scream?

Playing badminton with chipmunks

Wahey, we just got back from badminton, or negativepottery as I like to call it. Twas beaucoup de fun. As was the Pride quiz at Kelsey's last night - we came second, woohoo! Weehead Bear now has pride (hoho) of place on one of the speakers in our living room, so everyone will know that we are the (second) best. We only came second because WASS cheated (please don't stab me to death Carl ;-)). Yes anyway it was very entertaining, and pretty barmen too, what more could I ask for?

I have to go to to a school in North Leamington tomorrow for a day of lesson observations. Scary thought. I imagine the pupils to be something like this:

Hopefully they will not pounce on me like rabid fish. Who knows what will happen? Woooooooooooooo. Everyone must come to Bows tomorrow to help me get over what is sure to be a day of trauma :-D since we will be Ciaran and Phil down.

I really do like badgers, and Damien Rice.

A story

Once there was a tired person called Lylie. One day she was very tired and bored and just did not know what to do, so she decided to write a story about someone completely unrelated to keep herself occupied. It was snowing so she couldn't be bothered to walk away from Bibbet Lill to see if there would be any of her friends eating lunch on Lentil Kampus - it was cold and she had tried to do that before but there was never anyone there on a Wednesday. Also, she was about to get free (if disgusting) food from a meeting at Bibbet Lill which would allow money saving cunningness. "INTRIGUING!!!" she thought. Then she realised it was 12:54 and time to go to the meeting, so she signed off from Frogger, her webfrog supplier thingy, and went away until probably Friday which was her friend Rearan's birthday.

The end.

Business!

In the busy sense of the word. I have sooo many things to do this week. I am sure you are expecting me to explain. I know how much you people(/person) love to hear about me and my life and all its excitement, of which there is loads. Absolutely tons. Sometimes I think my life is just so exciting it could fill a huge container for excitement, the biggest you could buy, and it would just explode with all the excitement. So, here goes.

• Tomorrow: lectures, Xananas and Wind Orchestra concert (woohoo) followed hopefully by the Uppermost of Yellow Fruits. Busy busy busy. Like a bee (which incidentally I hate) or a very busy business child.

I am growing very fond of posting pictures. Anyway.

• Tuesday: ok nowt except lectures. Let's call it the day of suspense leading up to subsequent days of excitement. A day of subdued excitement if you will.

• Wednesday: Lectures and SSLC! I haven't been to SSLC since the 1st meeting of last term hehehe. Oh and Clarinet Choir and Octet too. I am soooo musical I think I might be a musical cockroach.

• Thursday: Lectures. Hopefully followed by the arrival of my cousin Laura, who will come to Bows and NOT the BDSM talk ;-) and stay for Ciaran's day of birth.
  
  
• Friday: My last day of Biol Sci lectures ever! And Clarinet Choir lunchtime concert at University House. And National Ciaran Day, hurrah! www.ciarannaked.com

Yes so in conclusion I have no time for work and will probably fail my final year project miserably. Oh well never mind eh. Socialising is far more important. Am I not the biggest party animal ever?

My insect experiences

Today I have spent some time thinking about insects. Some insects are good, and some insects are bad. Here I will detail past experiences that have led me to want to adopt some insects, and the ways in which I have terminated the lives of other insects that I consider(ed) irritating or EVIL in some way.

Ants

Ants eh? I spent a small proportion of my childhood drowning ants en masse with mon frere. This was in the days of setting up a Grand National course (buckets, washing line poles propped against a wall as fences, those were the days) in the garden on Grand National day and galloping/tripping over the various obstacles before betting all our pocket money on horses that fell at the first fence. Hmmm. Then one day I realised drowning ants was wrong, and stopped.

Silverfish

Why are they called this? Because they are very small fish with legs, that is why. You would think therefore that I would love this particular species of insect, but no! The only place I have ever seen a silverfish is in my bed, and fish do not belong in beds. They belong in ponds and in the sea. I have never killed a silverfish as they run very quickly but if I could i would destroy them all with tiny cotton thread nooses in a large-scale silverfish-hanging ceremony.

Ladybirds

The friendliest beetle of them all. When I was in nursery I was doing a project on "minibeasts" and I wrote about a ladybird I saw in the post office. It was licking stamps for a lady with a genetic inability to produce saliva, how nice is that? I love ladybirds. What's that, your ladybird has died? I've got a ladybird. I don't know what I would do without my ladybird.

Bluebottles, wasps, moths and bees

DIE!!!!!!!!

Drosophila (melanogaster)

We have a love-hate relationship. They have disgusting larvae. I will never quite forget the joy(!) of watching the larval guts explode through a microscope while pulling one apart using two pairs of forceps. However, it is the only insect I have ever been able to observe with an extra pair of legs instead of antennae (as a mutation, not in a normal fly, silly), and for that I am truly grateful.

Locusts

After a dissection experiment all I can think about when the name "locust" is mentioned is the sight of an open-chested, beheaded locust still hopping on the lab bench.

Yay for picture posting!

So there you have it. Insects. Wahey.

Now that's what I call a birthday present...

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh.

Ok I'm in trouble

My project supervisor is the most evil person I've ever met! I sent her an email saying "I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing this term, can you tell me what deadlines I have to meet please?" and we arranged to meet this lunchtime. She was so nasty to me! The first thing she said was:

"You ask me do you have to do anything this term? OF COURSE YOU DO! What were you thinking?"

Then I cowered in the corner like a... chicken and she proceeded to explain why I was incompetent and was going to make a terrible job on my final year project. She said:

"Are you good at using computers?"

and I said:

"Um, not sure, I'm ok I suppose."

and then she said:

"THEN WHY DID YOU CHOOSE THIS PROJECT?!"

and with an evil evil stare she explained how difficult the project I'd chosen was going to be. She started talking about how I had to give a report of what I was going to do by the end of this term and expressed her disgust that I hadn't "read through all the blurb we give you" when I said I didn't know anything about this. They hadn't sent me anything! The bitch! All it would have taken is to tell me what I needed to do and when by, she didn't need to completely undermine my confidence in my ability to do anything related to my degree. Because that's what she has done. Damn the Vlad! She must die! Now I will go and mope and feel useless and generally rubbish. Grrrrrrrr.

Spoons

Spoons are wonderful things. They are shiny most of the time. And made of stainless steel. But the most wonderful thing about spoons is that they can be used to eat both main courses and puddings. Wonderful, marvellous spoons.

Scary

I have been thinking a lot more recently about how I might not be here next year. It makes me very sad :-(. I really really hope I get onto the PGCE course, I'm hoping I've not left it too late, otherwise I'll have to leave you all and I don't think I could live without the friends I've made here. I don't talk about it much because it upsets me. Boo hoo, it is not a nice thought at all! Oh well, hopefully see you at Bows tomorrow.

Experiment...

Does this work?

If so this line will start a new paragraph.

Yay and nay

I just got a phone call from Campion School (in Sydenham, damn it) saying I could do lesson observations there! For a week! Which means now I have enough soon-to-be experience to go on to apply for my PGCE at last! I've arranged to go in the first week of the easter holidays, so some of you people better be around then or I'll get very bored... But anyway, hurrah! Exclamation mark!

I don't know quite what's going on with my blog, it is evil. Anyway if you are looking for exciting discussion (and links to lesbian porn :-S) go to Carl's blog. It is sure to become a masterpiece.

The Archer's and Lemonade Song

Today in Xanana's I decided there weren't enough songs about Archer's and Lemonade. There are apparently songs about pina coladas and champagne, so I thought I'd put right the wrongs in the world by writing a song (with the help of various Xanana's people including Carl and Peter), hopefully in doing so bringing world peace. It is called "The Archer's and Lemonade Song" and is sung to the tune of "Oom Pah Pah" from "Oliver!" Here it is:

I love Archer's and lemonade
I want to include the fire brigade
If I don't then I won't get paid
Because they commissioned this song.

CHORUS:
Arch-chers, Arch-chers, lemonade
Arch-chers, Arch-chers, Fire Brigade
Arch-chers, Arch-chers, I'm getting paid
To mention the fire brigade.

I like to stir it with a spoooon
It makes me feel I'm on the moooon
Which I shaln't compare to a balloooon
Because this is an overused cliche.

CHORUS

I tried to bake it in a flan
During my time as a chef in Japan
It incurred the wrath of the Emperor's gran
So I was condemned to death by cheese.

CHORUS

Drowning in cheese for many a week
They provided a salad of carrot and leek
When mixed with our drink the effects are unique
That's why I love Archer's and lemonade.

CHORUS

I think it's a Eurovision hit.

My ears hurt...

...it really isn't fun to listen to Ciaran singing "Can't liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive if living is without yooooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuu"

The varied tastes of Cov Mansion residents

I have been procrastinating for five hours now. I'm just too tired to do any work - yes, I should have had a nap or started doing at least some work, but I didn't. So I'm going to try and do an hour or so's work and then go to bed so I can get up early in the morn. And it will work, damn it!

Now I don't have any problems with Moulin Rouge or the Phantom of the Opera, but when you are exposed to repeats of "Come What May" and the theme from the Phantom of the Opera for weeks and weeks on end two rooms away, it does make you want to set fire to butterflies and snap the necks of cuddly kittens until the pain goes away. Alex has played nothing else for months. Except a song by Betty Boop, the Star Wars theme and the most irritating noise-for-the-sake-of-noise that I cannot put into words. Please, somebody help me before I REMOVE HIS TESTICLES WITH A MACHETE.

Nighty night x

I'm feeling all philosophical...

I have just spent the past hour on the Warwick Blogs website - almost all of them have the most boring of names - Bob's Blog/Rumpelstiltskin's Blog etc. I am once again considering moving to Warwick Blogs, or at least doing a sideline Warwick Blog. Hmmm.

It strikes me as un peu bizarre that there are people I know who know other people I know without me knowing that they know those people. If you know what I mean. I was just thinking about the whole "six degrees of separation" thing (i.e. there is an average of six friends-of-friends-of-friends etc between you and any other person on earth). I wonder how it differs if you take Warwick students alone. Tis tres interessant to think about. Well I think it is anyway.

Damn essays. And washing up. And having both of these to do when I am tired. And the schools I've emailed asking if I can observe their lessons who rudely haven't replied at all. Oh no and now I've missed Neighbours too. And I am incredibly bored because for some reason there is nobody here! Mneh.

Oh by the way, if anyone wants me to link to them let me know - I realise my links are very out of date :-P.

Hurrah!

In an effort to avoid working (I really must stop doing that) I have looked again at my final year project summary sheet - and it's so much better than I thought it would be! One of the exciting things is that I have to read a 200-page book about the Human Genome Project. I know. Isn't it fabulous? Well I think it is, it looks like a popular science book rather than a book written by people who are really knowledgeable about Biology, like me :-P I'm sure I'll get really sick of all the reading after a while but once I've done it I'll feel like I've achieved something, which isn't a feeling I've experienced very often on this course. Also in my 30 minute seminar it says I have to do a practical demonstration, which I didn't look into too much and thought it meant a proper lab demonstration being the silly person I am. BUT all I have to do is show people how to use the online databases. Hurrah! I'm even starting to get enthusiastic about the whole thing (this will wear off). Now I';m going to my Protein Targeting lecture. The lecturer is Caroline Quentin so I must not be late :-).

Name that shoe!

I am procrastinating and so I have decided to name some of my shoes after characters in Neighbours.

• Lyn Scully - My brown boots, because they are old and in need of a polish. And they steal from the Coffee Shop.
• Sindi Watts - My pink sparkly pointy shoes, because they are girly. And because they were once a stripper in a club in Australia.
• Summer/Izzy Hoyland (I couldn't decide) - My flat red shoes, because they could quite easily be worn by a young child, and they are bitches in that they cut my feet up every time I wear them. Also they were pregnant with Gus's baby but recently miscarried.
• Liljana Bishop - my black boots, because they are older than they look and because they look like a racoon with long hair.
• Harold Bishop - My black sandals with diamante bee because they can play the tuba and disgust everyone when they talk about sex.
• Serena Bishop and Luka Dokich - My new black sequin-y shoes and my skechers, because they had an incestuous relationship together.

I invite you to name your pairs of shoes (or pair for Ciaran) after your favourite soap characters.

Confusementation and general annoyance

I am in one of those moods where I feel like there is loads to do but I'm just too tired and drained to do it. I got my final year project sheet back today, and it looks much less suited to me than I thought it was. I think I'll find it dull and hard. That and other things. So basically, waaaaah. However, as I do not feel that a blog - well, my blog anyway - is a place for moping-like language, I will try my best not to depress you all. Who knows, it might even cheer me up.

I went to a PGCE open day yesterday and it has made me think that either of the following is true:

1. I am not going to get onto the course and if I do I will hate it because of the long hours and the fact that I am rubbish at standing up and talking in front of people.
2. I want to be a teacher and it would be really good for me to do the course because it would change me for the better as a person.

What's a penguin to do? It's madness, it's carpets, it's carpet madness! We went to this school where a lot of the Warwick PGCE lesson observations are done and they had a special room with live video footage from a nearby classroom, so we could watch what was going on in the lesson. It doesn't sound that exciting, but it was quite strange to think that could be me in about a year and a half, and watching what happened was really interesting. Oh I don't know. I wish I was a potato, then I'd have nothing at all to worry about.

A Sad Little Story

Recent sources (that I will not mention ;-)) have led me to short story/poem writing. I.e. I am bored and supposed to be at SSLC, but let's gloss over that. So here goes...

There were once some gnus
Who loved to make shoes
They wore plastic aprons
And nothing rhymes with aprons.

They used all kinds of things
From leather to strings
So the children could play
In the garden all day
Hip hip hooray!

Everyone loved the gnus
But one day they all died.

The end.

Dilemma

Ok so there's this chicken right, and he loves chips. In fact he would choose chips over daddy any day. He goes to this restaurant with his friends (who aren't chickens) and he really wants to get some chips. Why? Because he loves them. BUT, and here comes the dilemma, the only thing they have with chips in it is Chicken and Chips Extravaganza. There are no side orders of chips, but if he chose the Chicken and Chips Extravaganza, his friends would call him Cannibal Keith. Now bear in mind that this chicken needs chips like he needs chicken feed, which is a lot.

Does he eat the Chicken and Chips Extravaganza, risking ridicule and having to live with the knowledge that he's consumed one of his friends (cos all chickens are friends with all other chickens) or does he have pizza instead and have a terrible night out?

The Learning Triangle

http://www.somethingawful.com/learning_triangle/index.htm

Ooh, yummy pizza goodness (discuss)

I am waiting for my Goodfellas four cheese pizza to cook so I can enjoy its melted-cheese-y loveliness while I watch Neighbours, hoho. May I just take this opportunity to pay homage to the wonder that is the Pizza Hut Chicken Feast (deep pan of course)? It annoys me quite a lot that there is no three cheese/chicken combo equivalent pizza in the shops, as I love it so. "Kylie, why don't you just take a four cheese pizza and sprinkle roast chicken pieces over it, thus creating a pizza of chickeny cheesy delight just like that you so adore at Pizza Hut?" I hear you cry. Well, there are three answers: 1) I can't be bothered to cut up chicken, 2) chicken is expensive and 3) it wouldn't be the same, you silly people! Also, there are those that believe in a superiority of Pizza Express over Pizza Hut - I tell them they are WRONG as the day is LONG. Pizza Express does not have a chicken feast equivalent, is more expensive and does not do deep pan pizzas. So that's that cleared up, I'm going to get my pizza out of the oven.

Hello hello

Hello, it is me.

I am hoping that the few people who read my blog have not given up on me due to my lack of internet. Anyway for those people still with me, I hope you had a magnificent and tremendous Christmas/New Year. The bad news is that the neighbour we thought was dead came back over Christmas, although so far he hasn't kept me awake with Radio Leicester like he did for the few weeks he was there at the start of last term. Ok that might all have sounded a bit mean, but I don't actually want him to die. I just want him to go away. He can stay there over the holidays when I'm not living here, but he should be elsewhere at all other times. That's not too much to ask is it?

At home in Leicester the people who run the brothel next door left for a few days, and then the police came to us to say they were monitoring the house in case they came back and changing the locks. Then the pimps and whores returned and waited in their car outside (presumably because they couldn't get in hehehe) and we rang the police, it was all very exciting like an exciting film or some other exciting thing. The brothel people left the car before the police could arrive but the next time we looked there were police cars parked outside the house and the brothel car had gone, woooh.

So in conclusion my recent experiences have been slightly bonkers.

Helloooooooooooooo!

Yes, I am back, but only temporarily. I may or may not be at home very soon, where there is NO INTERNET!!! :-( How on earth will I cope?! Well of course I would not leave you with nothing to ponder on in my absence, so I will leave you with this thought: everyone called Bill is in fact a pigeon! I know, I was amazed when I found out too, but I assure you it is true.

While at home and watching Strictly Come Dancing and noticing that I remember some of the steps from my brief 1st-year Latin and Ballroom days, I decided that I would very much like to go again. So if there is anyone out there who wants to come with me tell me please, and all will be fabulous. The reason I dropped out in the first year was because I kept having to dance with smelly horrible men and random girls, so I don't want to go back without someone to go with. So there.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO PHILBERTINA!

Santa hats and tinsel and cheesy music!

Today I am recovering from a weekend of much clarinetting, much fast food (oh my god I've just realised I've had a McDonald's hamburger, a KFC and a Pizza Hut pizza in the space of two days :-P but only because I've had nowhere else to get food from) and much Christmasiness. It has left me all warm and glowing, despite not being pregnant.

I only have one morning of labs tomorrow then my work for this term is finished! It's so nice to be able to relax now - in fact I don't think I've relaxed at all this term really, there are always forms I haven't filled in and people I've put off calling and stuff. It's not like I've not had time to do these things but you will probably know I'm a putter-offer. And Christmas is coming too!

I am all alone in the house at the minute because Alex has gone home and Ciaran and Phil are at conference in Leicester (without me, sob) but it's not all bad. I'm not sure why but it's quite relaxing to have the whole house to myself for a couple of days, although it will be nice when they come back tonight - I miss them greatly and it is the only thing that will fill this dreadful hole in my heart. I am rocking backwards and forwards as I write this (I got myself out of that one well didn't I ;-)). But being here with lots of time on my hands has driven me to memorise the Llama song (see link below). Expect to hear it frequently on walks back from Bows in the future.

Amusement #2

Yes I am bored.

Amusement

Heeheeheeheeheehee!

Froggy frog frog FROG!

I have just been playing with frogs! They are my friends. We got some eggs from a bucket containing a biiig she-frog and fertilised them and watched them divide into embryos. But we aren't allowed to let them grow into frogs because it's against Home Office regulations, the spoilsports. Hehe the frog was very ugly and had tiny eyes compared to its body size, and it kept trying to jump out of the bucket. But I would like to publically thank Mrs Frogworth for the kind donation of many, many eggs today - she worked hard in the name of science. And will probably die in the name of science :-( we will remember her! I'm tired now, so to Xananas I go for drinks with gay people followed by Wind Orchestra cheese!

The badgers did it

I'm back from the Weekend of Fun, twas fabulous naturally and Sarah McLachlan was tres tres bon and sparkly things were plentiful and Helen and Bev were there. Hurray hurray. We found no Orlando Bloom (except in Troy, which I have just realised is "Tory" if you mistype it hohoho) and no badgers, but Red Leicester cheese graced us with its presence, which was nice.

Tomorrow is the start of the week of playing with frogs. I've just read the manual and it says "we will also remove testes from several males to provide sperm." I'm assuming they mean frog males, not human males. That would be fun. Actually removing frog testes will not be fun. I'm sure they make us do this stuff just so they can laugh on the sidelines - previous experiments have included pulling live maggots apart while watching their internal organs spill out under the microscope, and completely opening up live locusts, pinning their outer layers down so they stay open and watching them try to jump while open. Which sometimes worked. I suppose if I was a locust one of the things I would miss most when faced with death would be jumping, so I would try and get as much in as possible before I was passed on to the locust deity in the sky. Ah animal guts, how I will miss them.

Beddibyes now, need to be ready for a week of full-time labs. Yaaay(!)

I am craving cheese

Red Leicester cheese. Mmmmm I would love a Red Leicester toastie right now. I haven't bought proper cheese for a while though because it is fattening and bad and I need to be more healthy. I have a new-found podge (well newish, it's several months old I think) which I am not liking and I put it down to eating what I feel like eating more often, and eating on campus more often - what's going on with the complete lack of anything remotely healthy for off-campusers except in South Central, which is only open till 3 and only on weekdays?! Also my not joining any exercise-related societies this year like I was going to probably hasn't helped.

I am considering swapping to Warwick Blogs - I have been browsing the site recently and the whole Warwick community thing looks rather jolly. Although... I don't know how easy it is to change the template etc - I've had enough trouble with this one - just look at the colour of my site description! It's a nasty coral colour! Also there may be implications with the partychicken.co.uk URL and whether I can change it to a new blog. Will have to consult Philbertina.

Ooh the Sarah McLachlan weekend of fun tomorrow! We are going to hunt down Orlando Bloom (well, hope he comes to the concert) and try sparkly things on in Monsoon with no intention of buying them and do generally fabulous stuff! But first I must finish my essay and hand it in before 2pm tomorrow. Incidentally did you know Sonic hedgehog is a gene/protein involved in the anteroposterior (thumb - little finger) development of the vertebrate limb? It is true! Am I not the most knowledgable person you know?

I had a dream about cats and the Coliseum and ghosts. I think maybe it was The Grudge-inspired. Which, if you haven't seen it, is The Ring with no plot.

Hurrah for Top B and Christmas cheese!

Yes, I just got back from Top Banana. It was better than I thought it would be. I was a little stressed because of my essay (I have to hand it in on Friday and I have made very little progress) so I thought maybe I wouldn't enjoy it, but in the end I did. Maybe the obvious thing to do in that situation would be to avoid going and work instead, but hey it worked. It's strange how that happens, when I'm not in the mood to go out I end up enjoying it and when I am, I usually don't. It helped me to take my mind off things. Yay for that.

Oh and also I had a good Wind Orchestra rehearsal - we did a competition yesterday so the music's been serious until now, but all we have left is the Christmas concert (Friday Week 9, Leamington Town Hall, 7:30pm, you know you want to) so today's music was all Christmas cheese. Also Pirates of the Caribbean, which is also tres bon - download download download! Or buy buy buy depending on where your loyalties lie. That rhymes, hmmm. I would be a poet, if I was any good at writing poems, but I'm not.

I really don't know why I bother writing a blog - it clearly hasn't been read for many a day and the only people who occasionally read it live with me, so I already tell them anything of importance that crops up here. Well I'm not going to stop writing anyway, it gives me something to do when I'm bored/avoiding work. My lip hurts. I ran out of Rizla papers in the second half of today's Wind Orch rehearsal so I had no lip protection. Mneh. Nighty night xxx

Update: My social life

As you might have guessed, I have thrown caution to the wind and decided to go to Bows tonight after all. BUT I will not be drinking alcohol, oh no, I will be staying downstairs with a diet coke, so don't even think about suggesting that I come upstairs to dance - I will not be best pleased. I will be very, very sober. Actually I may just be quite sober, I can drink what alcohol I have here before I go out. But still not enough to dance. This is all part of my plan to save, save, save. I worked out I have to live on £30 a week for four weeks! But even less than that, other things like Christmas/birthday presents need to be taken into account. Oh and also I still won't be going to Nightingales. The only place I will be spending money on alcohol will be the Coliseum. Isn't the third year reduced loan fabulous?

I have had a very productive day (discounting my lecture-skiving :-S let's just gloss over that shall we). I did several things I've been putting off for a while. Hoorah and hooray. I am going to be a Science and Engineering Ambassador in schools, if I remember to fill in the application form. It sounds tres tres bon. Oh and I phoned the Open Schools Programme about working in a school for a day for experience, and they said the nearest place they could give me was Hinckley! This is 12 miles away in Leicestershire. Not good. Far away. I'll have to spend yet more money on trains. The PGCE application form costs about £12/13 to fill in and send, such a cheek - how much do they want teachers, really?! Everything costs loads of money at the minute.

Fooooooooooooooooooooooooood! Bye.

Brrrrrr

It's getting cold now isn't it, as the old lady at the Sainsbury's bus stop commented. I went to Sainsbury's after my Sausage Factory meeting this morning and they had a plethora (I've never really understood what that word means) of goodies on sale because their use by date was today. I got very excited as you can imagine, and bought a lovely chargrilled chicken and bacon pizza for £1.50, half price! Wahey. The day is looking up already. Actually I have just realised just how much my trip to Sainsbury's resembled an old lady's trip to Sainsbury's. I banter-ed with the delicatessen lady, and the checkout lady, and then I bought a poppy on the way out while banter-ing with the war veteran man. Then at the bus stop I banter-ed with the old lady I mentioned above. Is banter a verb? Who knows? I know I can't be bothered to look.

Why are trains so damn expensive? I need to book three trains, one Cov - London Euston, one London King's Cross - Cambridge, and one Cambridge - Cov, for my weekend of super-duperness with Sarah McLachlan on Helen's birthday, and altogether it'll cost me about £40! That's just travelling, then I'll have to pay £30-ish for the concert ticket. Mneh. I really need a job now. As a result I will try my very very hardest not to go to Bows or Nightingales this week, or next week for that matter. Hmm how shall I do that... I may ask my dad to take me home this weekend, then I will be free of temptation and might get a bit of free food too. Interesting.

Time for pre-huuuuuuuuuge clarinetting sleep.

Go me

I got my essay back today - I got a high IIi! Aren't I good? Maybe my tutor isn't such a bitch after all. Oh and also I did an assessed presentation thing and it went ok, I didn't manage to tell my tutor that I didn't read a paper that was assigned to me because it looked too hard for me to bother with, like I did last time, and I got my loan! So today has been generally good. Although looking at the glaring whiteness of this screen isn't helping my headache much, but then the other options are sleep (not tired) and read, watch tv or work, which will all do nothing to rid me of this crippling, excruciating, pounding pain in my left eye. Ok I've been moaning too much lately haven't I? So I'm going to put my headache to the back of my mind and write about something else...

Right, time for Blog Ideas I think...

"What is something scientists need to invent?"

it says. Well, I came up with this idea while struggling to cope with a tricky page-turn during a Wind Orchestra rehearsal a few months ago - the Electronic Music Stand Thing(TM).

Ever missed out on an all-important passage while trying to turn pages during a windy outdoor concert? Ever successfully turned a music page only for it to blow onto the floor because of excessive air conditioning/someone removing it and putting it on the floor/a racoon? Ever tried to play in a tropical hurricane? You need Electronic Music Stand Thing(TM)! Electronic Music Stand Thing(TM) is a computer-monitor-thing displaying a double page of sheet music - no more paper blowing off stands (excuse the innuendo). When you need a page turn, Electronic Music Stand Thing(TM) will detect where you are in the music in time to change the page for you! It even comes with its own adjustable stand for the taller or shorter musician, and is self-illuminating for those dark, dark concert halls/outdoor gazebo thingies. Electronic Music Stand Thing(TM) comes in a range of colours and sizes to suit all tastes. Electronic Music Stand Thing(TM): buy it NOW!

I believe Electronic Music Stand Thing(TM) is the future - someone will steal the idea and it'll be in the shops soon. Or at least it would if anyone in a position to use the idea read my blog.

You will notice a new poll (if I managed to think of an idea for one, which I will have done, as I am super). Musings on Mice has probably been forgotten or not seen by some people, so the present polls aren't really appropriate. Therefore I have decided to create a new poll every couple of weeks. Voila.

I'm bad

Ok ok, I was bad and went to town today to buy a gold Glitterbug, but my thinking is I've got Christmas and other types of parties to go to, and if I waited till Christmas Day I would only get to use it on New Year's Eve. Now that would be a waste, wouldn't it? So yes, I gave in to temptation and used all the Lush testers I could get my hands on, then bought the glitteriest of gold Glitterbugs for the bargain price of £2.95 or something with two free soap samples thrown in - one smells of badger wee, but the other smells of lemons and all things lovely. Lush is the best place ever.

I'm thinking of having a slight image overhaul, although one which doesn't involve buying new clothes as I can't afford to - any suggestions on what I should wear more of/ask for for Christmas/wear less of? I'm thinking more accessories, maybe from cheap places like H&M, to enhance my pre-existing wardrobe and make me look vaguely super-duper. And I intend to grovel to my mum and dad and see if one of them will consider buying me a dark green velvet jacket. But yes, the thinking is accessorise, accessorise, accessorise and less ill-fitting clothes from my not-quite-so-podgy days. Some of you may say less glitter and sequins too but to that I say no. No no no.

FROGS! frogggggs...zzzzzzzzzzzzz

- a summary of this afteroon's lecture.

I went to bed relatively early last night in an effort to rid myself of a slightly annoying headache. Then I woke up at 3am with the evillest, most scream-worthy of headaches. It took me ages to get back to sleep - I had to leave my head with the right side of my face against the pillow (so to speak) and keep my fingers pressed against the top of my nose, and even that didn't work so I had to take some paracetamol. Which is bad, as I think I have taken paracetamol three days in a row now. Pity me! It's still there a bit but I've got used to it.

I went to Lush when I was at home last weekend, and guess what? They have a new Glitterbug!

You know, the sparkly soap stuff I have probably attacked you with at some point? They brought out pink and blue ones last year, but now they have a gold one too! I may just have to put it on my Christmas list. I'll have to try hard not to buy it for myself before then, but I'm not sure I have enough willpower. Thinking about it, I think I'll use my Glitterbug for Bows tonight. With my hair glitter. And maybe a glittery top. Yay.

It's touch and go my friends

I think I might be dying. Yes, I know everyone is dying really as we'll all die one day but I feel too hot and shivery at the same time, and I keep getting headaches. If I didn't know better I'd say I've just eaten too much, but I do know better and these symptoms don't come from not eating too much. Even though I have eaten too much. I better not have been poisoned by evil bacteria. Damn bacteria. They are pointless and small and uninteresting and downright rude. When did I say they could live on my skin and in my mouth and in my small intestine? It's a good job my stomach acid's there to kill most of them off. Never trust a microbiologist. I can say that now, my options as far as possible don't involve the study of bacteria, so I'm not linked in any way to microbiology. Ish. Oh and never trust an academic who studies frog embryos for fun. They are always bitches.

Well, what a fun day I've had - I had a meeting from 10-11am and decided to stay on campus till 3:30pm for clarinet choir. In my wanderings around campus between work I had to endure the Cheerleaders' "Sponsored Annoyathon" every time I passed the Piazza. According to a leaflet I found in Rococco, they're cheerleading 9am-9pm today to raise money so they can become champions of one competition thing or another. Let's just hope it rains heavily between now and 9pm.

Help me, Blog Ideas!

Now I know I want to blog, but I can't think of what to blog about. I've just looked at the Blog Ideas site for, erm, blog ideas, and it says to talk about TV shows I never miss. As if you don't know already. Well, here they are...

1. Knightmare - well I would never miss it if I had access to it over here, especially for the stunning graphics ("state of the art" according to the ntl guide), the goblins and their lethal dance and of course Pickle with all his elfy prancing. Actually I just found this page of what the Knightmare actors looked like in everyday life - it is quite surprising - just look at Lord Fear! He looks silly with a beard! And I am liking Treguard's lovely red jumper fashion.

2. Most Haunted - I mainly watch this for Derek. The best episode was I think in the Jamaica Inn, where he threw a lamp at one of the crew during one of his "possessions". Dawn French was very good at being him in French and Saunders on Friday. But I suppose you have to be a viewer to appreciate me rambling on like this.

3. Harry Hill's TV Burp

4. Shooting Stars

5. Neeeeighbours - For the theme tune obviously, and for the Susan/Tom the priest storyline. I'm still very impressed by my telepathy that day ("Susan, I'm leaving the priesthood!").

6. Father Ted - Particularly the plastic cow sketch: "Ok one more time. These cows are small. The ones outside are far away." etc. Hohoho.

I'm getting tired now and I have the feeling I'm rambling on and not being very interesting at all, so I'll be off. My lip hurts. From too much clarinetting, before you think of (I'm sure hilarious) innuendos. Ow.