Kylie's gone to Iceland

I have just returned from a feast of extra thin Chicago Town pizza with wedges and beans, just like Ma makes(/puts in the oven). The pizza was 75p! That's Iceland price.

Noodles is settling in well. Noodles is the hamster by the way. Well, her full name is Noodles Luna Maguire. We can handle her and everything now! She has attempted to nibble on occasion but hasn't bitten us yet - I don't think she has it in her. She is a mischievous scamp. She wants to eat my hair but I'm having none of it, and she likes the idea of going down the back of the sofa, which we are also prohibiting. Oh, but she is the fluffiest of fluffy things and has the softest of soft fur. Oh Noodles, we do love you so.

Noodles Maguire and the Scrumptious Carrot

Action Noodles

And so, an ode to Noodles:

Noodles how we love you so
Ear that twitch and fur like snow
You are nothing like a rat
We would not let you near a cat

Hat, fat, pat, Yasser Arafat

That
was a poem.
Yes.

A Powem

I am me
Shopping spree
Buy a flea
On a pea
Have a wee
In the sea
On a bee
La la be
I can see
Lots of pee
Running free
From Monkey
Carol Smillie
Zebedee
Look! A shiny
I'm Kylie

(That's what you get when I can't think of anything to post about :))

Things that rhyme with "tree"

• Me
• Spree
• Flea
• Pea
• Wee
• Sea
• Bee
• Be
• See
• Pee
• Free
• Monkey
• Carol Smillie
• Zebedee
• Shiny
• Kylie

And now, a powem...

"Alas! Alack! My Tooth!", an autobiographical poem by Kylie "Plastic Dogetta" Posnett

My tooth is black
What shall I do?!
It hurts me when I eat a shrew
A hole revealed itself to me
A tiny hole,
A cavity

When looking in a mirror-woo
And thinking of a kangaroo
I saw the little holey there
Nestled like a cream eclair.

At first I thought it was a seed
Or perhaps a cunning bead
A bead that sought a dental home
And fed upon the toothpaste foam

Removable with cocktail stick
YES
Cocktail stick would do the trick
But no, Alas, Alack, Aploooo
Oh no! Oh Keith! 'Twill just not do

No bead was there, no seed, no grain
Just a hole of crappy pain

And so, to Denty I must go
Denty being the surgeon-o
Although I haven't got the cash
So I'm not going yet
So there

Also I've found that one of my wisdom teeth is growing at a funny angle and looks set to push into my other teeth so I'll probably have to have it taken out and I am very scared of needles and operations and stuff and I haven't been to Denty for about ten years so by now every tooth probably has to have something done to it oh dear never mind wish me luck end of poem BYE

Archer's and Lemonade: Reprise

Hello, Terry Nutkins. Today we went to the pub (or "pib" as I originally typed and corrected) and had some numnum. Me and Chris and Blair were there. My chicken club sandwich without the mayonnaise or tomato was just spiffing, and we had lots of fun on the games machine with Ant and Dec. Not the sexual kind. Eew. Then we went to Merry Hill (that shopping centre of glory with the Hotel Chocolat which I have yet to buy stuff from due to a lack of pennies since I moved here) and noticed a man with a fake bottom and bought hats and chewing gum and drinks. I tried on some sunglasses that made me look like Cliff Richard. I decided against buying them.

I am drinking Archers Aqua. I like drinking Archers Aqua. Is that Aqua of Mr Archer, or Aqua of Mr Archers? I need to know because I need to know where to put the apostrophe. Please do tell me if you know. Anyway, it is nice, although it has small bits of orange floating in it as I had orange juice in the same glass earlier. It all adds to the texture. In tribute to its wonder, I have decided to re-post mine and Carl's old hit, the Archers and Lemonade Song. Which looking at what I've pasted below would imply that Archers is, in fact, the Aqua of Mr Archer. Problem solved.


The Archer's and Lemonade Song by Kylie Posnett and Carl Beasley (to be sung to the tune of "Oom Pah Pah" from the musical "Oliver!")


I love Archer's and lemonade
I want to include the fire brigade
If I don't then I won't get paid
Because they commissioned this song.

CHORUS:
Arch-chers, Arch-chers, lemonade
Arch-chers, Arch-chers, Fire Brigade
Arch-chers, Arch-chers, I'm getting paid
To mention the fire brigade.

I like to stir it with a spoooon
It makes me feel I'm on the moooon
Which I shaln't compare to a balloooon
Because this is an overused cliche.

CHORUS

I tried to bake it in a flan
During my time as a chef in Japan
It incurred the wrath of the Emperor's gran
So I was condemned to death by cheese.

CHORUS

Drowning in cheese for many a week
They provided a salad of carrot and leek
When mixed with our drink the effects are unique
That's why I love Archer's and lemonade.

CHORUS


Hurrah! I'm off to drink Archer's Aqua and get ready for a probable trip to old Wolver-o-hampton town-city. Goodbye, Mr and Mrs Angrykitten.

"Duck Pancakes" - A Poem of Warning

Pancake, pancake, pancake
Toothpaste, toothpaste, sock
Spongecake, spongecake, spongecake
Stick of, stick of rock

Cocker, cocker spaniel
Herpes, rabies, mange
Raping ducks is clever
Kissing ducks is strange

Wobble! Wobble! Wobble!
I'm falling from a tree!
I cannot cope
This duck's anus,
It wasn't meant for me

Bang! Bang! Bang!
(Not in the sexual sense)
Broken legs and broken arms
But what's the duck's defense?

"Quack! He did it, him!"
The duck began to say
An officer was taking note,
"More backup's on its way."

Nee-nah, nee-nah, nee-nah
Handcuffs, guns and cars
There's no escaping punishment
I'm going behind bars

So what's the lesson here, good friends,
The moral to my tale?
You rape a duck
You pay the price
Of feathery betrayal

Leave the fucking things alone
For God's sake, Mary Jane
They'll rape you back, metaphorically
With ducky, fucky pain.

Poetry Corner with Derek the Inspiration Hawk

Hello.

Look! A poem.



"Derek the Inspiration Hawk"
by A Plastic Dog

Hark! It's a hawk.
Squalk.
Pork.
Tapping at my window like a biscuit on a fork.

Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap
Rap, rap, rap, rap, rap, rap, rap (for the hawk liked Eminem)
Spake the hawk unto my ear
The following for me to hear:

"Here's your inspiration, chuck.
Put it in your blogging book.
Spaniel, dachshund, collie, greyhound
Locust, parsnip, lettuce, muck."

And with that the hawk, he left
All at once I felt bereft
The hawk that took away my pain
Buggered off into the rain

NEVER TO RETURN AGAIN!

Alas, alack, my egg was cracked
A thousand pigeon workers sacked
And so my story dies its death
Like that Emmerdale guy called Seth

And a song and quote by Christopher Bate:

"Hugo Myatt's got a bum" (repeat to fade)


"Sometimes you need to cry
Sometimes you need to be sick
And sometimes you just need a big poo"

La la la la la la la la lalalalalaaaa la laa laa laaaaaa

--> That was my rendition of "Deck the Halls", the popular Christmas ditty. I do hope you enjoyed it. I have been rehearsing all day.

Yes anyway. So, tis Christmas and that. WOOOOOOOOOOOO! I have had several thousand presents (divided by 100 = 10s of presents) and they were all very nice. Well, I say all. I had the usual big pants from my aunt but they are always useful for... well, dusters... hmm... But she also bought me some rather wondrous fluffy multicoloured socks. I like fluffy socks. They are fluffy.

I also got an IPod, loads of Ruby and Millie make up, some Eddie Izzard (a DVD, not a physical chunk of the man himself), a few CDs, clothes, some Kylie perfume (oh, my parents are hilarious, but it does smell nice) and other stuff of immense joy. Yay! I love Christmas! I have taken many photos of pigs in blankets (not literally), my outstanding table laying skills and Jesus and Jesus in various poses. I will put them on Facebook and maybe Blogger when I have time.

I have prettified my blog! I still need to change the colours but I will do so when I have time. Which will probably be when I'm back at work. Ha. It's great having your own office with nothing to do :)

Here is a small poem/carol to keep you going:

Jesus
Jesus
Jesus
Jesus
BONG
BONG
BONG
BONG
Jesus
Jesus
Jesus
Jesus
SONG
SONG
SING
SONG

Jesus is our friend, Jesus till the end!
Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala
FUNKY ROTTWEILER!!!!!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! (Repeat to fade)


Happity Christmas everyone!

Yet another poem about animals...

Dog
Hog
Frog
Mog

Monkey

Fish
Squish(ed) fish

Gnu

Phew

Oh the bitter pill of self-delusion (a poem inspired by Kate Bush and others)

We all love trees
We don't love fleas
We all love cheese
We don't like peas

Please, oh please
We cannot choose
Between an egg

















and pointy shoes
















You make us die
You make us cry
Blah blah blah fly
And blah blah Pi

3.1415926
53589793
23846264
33832795
02884197
16939937
51058209
74944592
30781640
62862089
98628034
82534211
70679821
48086513
28230664
70938446
09550582
23172535
94081284
81117450
28410270
193852110...

*Sigh*

My oh my! You make a lie! Why, oh why? WHY, WHY, WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?!

WHY?

WHY?

WHY?

Rye is why.

OH YES.

Now die.

Or become bi (if you are not already).

Or dry (your clothes, or your hair, both of which may have just been washed).

Or fry SOME EGGS.

But all of it is ultimately pointless

Off we slide into the Comatic Land of Doom. Mushroom.

The Animal Kingdom

"The Animal Kingdom" by Kylie Posnett

I like donkeys
I like wolves
I like pandas
I like squirrels
I like chickens
When they hatch
I like pickled dingos

But I hate ponies with a passion
People who ridicule snakes, now they really get my goat
You would think I'd take advantage of the fact that "goat" rhymes with "stoat"

But no.

For this is a poem that only occasionally rhymes
And rather an intelligent one at that
Lalalalalalaaaaaa
Bob Monkhouse, Jim Bowen, Roy Walker, cat

The Animal Kingdom is very big
Much, much larger than a fig
If you were to tell some workmen to dig
A hole big enough to fit the Animal Kingdom intoig
They wouldn't be able to make it big
Enoughig

Animals, animals, woo woo woo
Very much like God's own poo
Which is a good thing, don't you knoo?
Let's finish with a word like "zoo"

I hereby declare a post-exam blogging resolution

I have decided to post regularly on my blog now that my final year project (and degree, woohoo!) is over. And you'd better have started reading it again or I will be so angry that steam will start coming out of my ears, like in cartoons and such. Then you'd feel guilty. And perhaps a little scared.

Here is a poem I have written about the evils of marzipan:


Marzipan

You have a squidgy texture, and are usually a creamy yellow colour.
But worst of all, you are MARZIPAN,
Which means you taste of almonds.

Almonds are the worst of all the nuts
I really think they spoil the huts
Of people who live in such abodes
And like to make Batternbergs loads and loads

Marzipan, marzipan, woo woo woo.
Very much like almonds' poo,
Which is a bad thing, don't you knoo?

I hate you.



I do hope you like it. I may write more poems about my hatred of certain foods - I think I have a lot of experiences to draw from.

The Archer's and Lemonade Song

Today in Xanana's I decided there weren't enough songs about Archer's and Lemonade. There are apparently songs about pina coladas and champagne, so I thought I'd put right the wrongs in the world by writing a song (with the help of various Xanana's people including Carl and Peter), hopefully in doing so bringing world peace. It is called "The Archer's and Lemonade Song" and is sung to the tune of "Oom Pah Pah" from "Oliver!" Here it is:

I love Archer's and lemonade
I want to include the fire brigade
If I don't then I won't get paid
Because they commissioned this song.

CHORUS:
Arch-chers, Arch-chers, lemonade
Arch-chers, Arch-chers, Fire Brigade
Arch-chers, Arch-chers, I'm getting paid
To mention the fire brigade.

I like to stir it with a spoooon
It makes me feel I'm on the moooon
Which I shaln't compare to a balloooon
Because this is an overused cliche.

CHORUS

I tried to bake it in a flan
During my time as a chef in Japan
It incurred the wrath of the Emperor's gran
So I was condemned to death by cheese.

CHORUS

Drowning in cheese for many a week
They provided a salad of carrot and leek
When mixed with our drink the effects are unique
That's why I love Archer's and lemonade.

CHORUS

I think it's a Eurovision hit.

A Sad Little Story

Recent sources (that I will not mention ;-)) have led me to short story/poem writing. I.e. I am bored and supposed to be at SSLC, but let's gloss over that. So here goes...

There were once some gnus
Who loved to make shoes
They wore plastic aprons
And nothing rhymes with aprons.

They used all kinds of things
From leather to strings
So the children could play
In the garden all day
Hip hip hooray!

Everyone loved the gnus
But one day they all died.

The end.