Oooooh!

I am doing a blog from my new phone using a Blogger app! FWATCHA!!! Let's see if it works, eh?

Currently, I am sitting with Christophe in the Rainbow and Dove with a lovely refreshing Coke. Chris is writing a sketch in which a small child sports a moustache. I think when we move into our own place we should have a moustache house party in which we hand moustaches out on the door, for men, women, children and animals alike. Everyone will be invited. We'll even put moustaches on the drinking glasses.

So yes.

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Wizard Lips

... sink... wizard ships. Or so goes the popular saying.

Yes.

Since I'm off work sick with an evil fevery thing, and as a result confined to the sofa with my cosy blanket, I thought I'd try and use the time productively. The opening bit of this post is my idea of something productive. Many will disagree, but they can bugger off.

The phrase "wizard lips" has repeatedly cropped up in my mind lately for some reason. It even led me to spend half an hour or so creating an elaborate A4 scribble of a wizard the other day (see Facebook), just so I could draw and point out his wizard lips. Now, for some reason, I was compelled to do a Google Image Search of the phrase in question, and apparently there is a little-known hip-hop star of the same name (see their MySpace plus the below image).

Young Wizard Lips there

Now, please do not think that this is a musical recommendation. Having listened to their first track out of curiosity, I can't say that I'm their biggest fan. But it is most amusing.

Apparently, they're not even alive (they're "music-making ghouls") and their work sounds like "the sexual moans of a rap god and a hip hop goddess during the act of intercourse ontop of a huge record player heard through the clearest of headphones on the earth." Tee hee. Tee hee hee. I'm sure they're a group of lovely young lads.

Now for a fish finger sandwich, oh yeah!

Death by fictional villain

After reading my brother's Facebook page and considering the "5 people that would probably like to kill you" application thing, I had an idea for an interactive blog/note.

Of all the (let's say fictional) evil murderer/villain type people, if you had to make the decision, who would you choose to finish you off?

At first I thought Ming the Merciless, but now I'm going down the classic Knightmare goblins route. Their dance was highly dangerous, apparently.



Thickos!

I still find that goblin horn noise scary.

I punched a crab and I liked it

My eyes are a bit buzzy due to too much XBox-playing, and in particular Oblivion-playing - I am off work, after all :) - and I'm waiting for pizza to arrive, so I'll try not to write too much.

Above is an example of such a crab, just so you can see how big and strong I am. Virtual animal cruelty is fun. I have also recently killed some West Weald bears and some goblin skirmishers, which is always nice.

Things are looking up on the job front. We've both had a couple of calls from agencies in Leicester who seem quite confident that they can find us something soon if we just drop in, which we will be doing next Friday when we're in Leicester. All I have to do is a few typing tests, provide references and show my hideous passport photo. Thank god my passport expires next year...

We've decided to take advantage of time off work and go to Alton Towers next Wednesday. If anyone fancies coming with us, I have 4 buy-one-get-one-free vouchers cluttering up my purse which I'm willing to get rid of. There are already a few of us going but we should definitely have some vouchers spare so let me or Chris know if you're interested.

Pizza time!

Nom.

Newnesses

Greetings.

Hello.

How are you?

I am fine.

Ignore the last thing about Tumblr. I've changed my mind.

I have 5 working days left at work, which is most thrilling. Perhaps this means I will no longer accidentally answer my mobile with the word "Orthopaedics" instead of the usual, normal "Hello?". That will definitely be a good thing.

Over the next 5/6 weeks, we will be moving to Leicesterland for a fresh start. The following advantages will be had:

1. Walking-to-work/walking-to-town opportunities, involving distances long enough for an increase in healthiness but not long enough to induce collapsing-ness.
2. Free swimming/badminton opportunities (good old leisure-centre-receptionist-mother).
   
3. House-ness, rather than flat-ness, allowing possible cat-ness (and barbecue-ness, but not of cats).
4. Opportunities for clarinet-tootling.
5. Opportunities for film-networking for Mr Kylie.
6. Funky bar/club-ness - no need to settle for chav-infested areas. Big need to settle for lovely lovely cocktails.
   
7. DOMINOS TOY SHOP!!!
8. Going-back-to-uni-ness allowing me to actually do something with my life and degree.
9. Family-ness.
10. Odeon-down-the-road-ness.
11. Escape from the daily horrors of dunce-infested areas like Dudley town centre.
12. Summer Sundae/Leicester Comedy Festival etc.

All of the above, plus easy access to transport back over here to see family and friends regularly for fun and frolicking.

Everyone must visit us.

Maybe one day I'll actually go through with that Murder Mystery party...

A new blog???!?!?!!!?!?!

If you fancy having a look, I will be using a Tumblr blog from now on. It will be here and on Facebook.

I'm not sure whether this is a temporary thing or forever and ever and ever and ever. Blogger is a bit rubbish sometimes, isn't it? But then it has its advantages.

Who knows what will happen? What a metaphor for life this is.

See you soon I hope! x

Bloody hell!

Have I really not posted since April?!!!

I keep doing these "blinkin eck I haven't posted for ages" posts. I think my blogging is a bit like casual alcoholism, in that I lapse every once in a while and post for a few days in a row solidly, then abstain for a number of weeks. Except blogging isn't bad, it's good, so I should blog more, but I don't.

Well.

I am a little bit tipsy, but luckily when I'm tipsy/drunk I manage not to do that thing that some people do and type with loads of spelling/grammatical mistakes in their posts or messages.

UNLESS I am making loads of mistakes and don't know about it due to the alcomohol.

Since I last posted, months ago, I have done lots. I have turned 24 and been to Liverpool with Christophe to celebrate this (we went to the Cavern and it was muchos buenos:)

The Cavern (as in the Beatles' gig place), Liver-o-pool

We also saw lots of Lambananas, which are sculptures of lambs with banana-like tails distributed throughout the city as part of Liverpool's year as the city of culture:

Beatles Lambanana

We both really liked Liverpool. We will be going back soon.

Also, we've been to the Latitude festival in Suffolk. There were bands by lakes and in the woods and sheep spray-painted pink and it was generally awesome. But that's another blog post in itself. Everyone should go there if they get the chance.

I will go now. I need my sleep before a well-overdue Hilmi/Dom Wing Wah trip tomorrow.

Good morrow! x

Toothy toothy teg teg

Today I went to the dentist for the first time in about 10 years. Now I'm sure that everyone in the world has been enthusiastically keeping up with my dental ponderings for the past few months. However, to recap, please see Fig. 1:

Fig. 1: Holey pain and turny pain.

Holey pain and turny pain both arrived at roughly the same time. This was about a year ago. Yes, I am that bad at going to the dentist.

Holey pain is a hole - or cavity, if you will - which I was first convinced was a seed stuck in my tooth, and which later became more holey and less seedy (so to speak) and has, in the past few months, started to hurt a lot when I eat crusty baguettes, apples and other foods that feature on denture-sticking gel adverts.

Turny pain is a wisdom tooth that started to hurt during chocolate-eating sessions. And I do have sessions. Especially with Lindor. I later discovered that turny-pain-tooth was in fact angled about 45 degrees towards the front of my mouth, which I suspected was not good.

So I went to the dentist, fully expecting at least a filling and a scary tooth extraction. I am a wimp and go a bit hysterical at the thought of a paper cut, never mind a bone being pulled out of my body.

To my delight, Mr Dentiste said I would not need an extraction! Just a filling, he said. He offered to do it there and then but I stopped him right in his tracks. "I'm not having that, Mr Dentiste,"I said-ish. Instead it will be done in a couple of weeks.

But HURRAH!

THERE WILL BE NO PULLING OUT OF TEETH!

CANCEL THE DANCING MARMOSETS!

HURRAY!!!

Blongchok

Why am I tired when I've just had two cans of Red Bull? I'm hoping they won't kick in just as I want to go to bed.

We were out last night at Walkabout down the road in Wolver-o-hampton city centre and I had some fake Red Bull before I went out, plus several servings of Coca Cola when I was out. I woke up an hour before my alarm was due to go off this morning and I could feel my heart beating faster than usual. At least I was relatively awake for work. Bloody work. I don't like my job at the moment. It is in Dudley after all. Nobody go to Dudley. You will be hassled by chavs and people playing shit music on mobile phones and old lady chavs who smell of wee.

All the caffeine woke me up in the middle of a very strange dream though. Someone gave me some new "bee" bubble bath, containing bees, which was meant to be invigorating due to fake stings. It wasn't supposed to hurt, but when I got into the bath I kept being stung on the left knee. The bastards had tricked me! It sleep-hurt lots. I'm thinking maybe my left knee was being eaten up by a real-life insect and this made me dream of bees.

I was stung by a wasp once in P.E. and it hurt many and lots. It was completely unprovoked. Wasps are the skinheads of the insect world.


What the hell am I writing about?!

I just felt like doing a blog. I will go now. Buzzzzzzz and that.

Egg overload

I feel like having a good old blog. I have lots to tell, but most of the stuff I can think of to write about it mundane dull monkajonk. So with my apologies here it is:

- I went to Sainsbury's today (applause please) and upon walking to the checkout with a full basket of foodstuffs, I happened upon an aisle of HALF PRICE POSH EASTER EGGS!!!!! So I bought a Green & Blacks butterscotch egg/mini egg combo for the very reasonable price of £2.50. Scrum dum chum wum wum. Nom nom nom. I bought it for me and Chris to share but it turns out he doesn't like the richness of the chocolate, so it's all mine now. I will buy him another one, I promise :).

- I have a new pair of gogglespecs......bought during an emergency no-glasses situation in London. I needed some new ones anyway. I wasn't just being extravagant. The hat is my brother's, stolen purely for the photomographing opportunity.


N.B. the following stuff is not mundane dull monkajonk. I thought of it after I wrote the first paragraph:

- In London we went out in Cayyyymden Tarn (we being me, my dad, my brother and Chris) to a pub called the World's End, which had all kinds of jolly music and was generally very cool. My dad stayed till about 11 and then we went doonstars to the club below it. We left there pretty quickly though as the dancefloor had a funny smell...

- Also also in London we did the usual sightseeing stuff and, for the second time, met Mr Dan. We went to Hamleys and ate pizza and went to one of the few remaining Fopp stores (yay) where I bought The Devil's Backbone as I liked Pan's Labyrinth when I saw it on Christmas Eve. We like Mr Dan. He understands us, does Mr Dan :).

- We bought an X-Box on Saturday! I have been playing Oblivion as a character called "Keith" who is a lady dark elf, and due to a general lack of skills where computer games are concerned, have been getting killed lots and many by many and lots of goblins and devil-type firey bastards. You get to create your own characters and I don't quite know why there are so many different settings for nose width etc. It is fun though. I think I may be a geek, deep down. Chris has been playing Dead Rising and killing zombies with chainsaws and that. We are happy with our X-Box and it is our new friend.

- Monkeys.

That is all for now. Bye bye.

I need to start blogging again. But not today :)

Kylie's gone to Iceland

I have just returned from a feast of extra thin Chicago Town pizza with wedges and beans, just like Ma makes(/puts in the oven). The pizza was 75p! That's Iceland price.

Noodles is settling in well. Noodles is the hamster by the way. Well, her full name is Noodles Luna Maguire. We can handle her and everything now! She has attempted to nibble on occasion but hasn't bitten us yet - I don't think she has it in her. She is a mischievous scamp. She wants to eat my hair but I'm having none of it, and she likes the idea of going down the back of the sofa, which we are also prohibiting. Oh, but she is the fluffiest of fluffy things and has the softest of soft fur. Oh Noodles, we do love you so.

Noodles Maguire and the Scrumptious Carrot

Action Noodles

And so, an ode to Noodles:

Noodles how we love you so
Ear that twitch and fur like snow
You are nothing like a rat
We would not let you near a cat

Hat, fat, pat, Yasser Arafat

That
was a poem.
Yes.

Hamster hamster hamster hamster HAMSTER!

We have a hamster! I bought her yesterday from the pet shop down the road. It was Chris's birthday yesterday, you see, and I thought he might like one.

She is white with small amounts of grey in her fur and she has a nose that goes "sniffle sniffle". I love her and she is my friend. Her cage has lots of tubes protruding from it. Overnight, she seems to have decided that it would be a good idea to take every last piece of food and the majority of her bedding from the cage itself into part of one of the tubes, and she has wedged herself inside. She is weird but we still love her. Even if it did take me ages to set her food bowl and sawdust and bedding etc out in her cage before she arrived yesterday.

I will post a picture very soon - I was going to take and post one for this blog but she's snuggled up in her new tube-bed-diner at the moment, and you can't really see her pretty eyes or sniffle nose.

Giggle.

Crigmas is upon us like a great big moggle bog

Look!

I went to Wilkinsons on Sunday and bought a new Christmas tree and baubles and tinsel and a star, and I bloody decorated the tree, bloody bloody! It has a lilac theme, which you can't really see from the picture as it is a bit dark. It's dark because if I had taken the picture with the light on, the fairy lights wouldn't have shown up - which were, by the way, £1 from Poundland (bargain), and I bought them some time ago, purely because I like sparkly things. Either way, I think it is a work of art, and as such, this blog post will be tagged on Blogger as "Art of the highest quality", to go with all of my other superb art.

I am very proud of myself. It's the first proper (i.e. taller than 1 ft) Christmas tree I have ever had, and by that I mean while living alone away from my mum's house in Leicester.

We always used to have a real Christmas tree in Leicesterland, until this year. Apparently this year my mum's bought a fake one from B & Q. In previous years, I have always tried, and succeeded, to nip my mum's CRAZY threats of stopping the real tree tradition in the bud, but this year I have let myself down. Never mind. The cat always used to eat the needles from the real trees anyway, so maybe an artificial tree is best for everyone.

I am very excited about Christmas this year. Although me and Chris were together last Christmas, we'd only been going out for a few weeks, so we were physically apart on Christmas Day. This year, we'll be staying in the West Midlands until half way through Christmas Day, watching his cool and groovy kiddiewink niece and nephew open their cool and groovy presents and devouring some yumscrum dinner of the out-of-law-inlaws, before being driven to Leicesterland by my dad for drinks and a Christmas buffet courtesy of aforementioned dad (yes, we are posh) and evening present-opening. It is most thrilling. My mum's going to make Christmas dinner on Boxing Day instead of Christmas Day this year, so we will get TWO DAYS OF SILLY HATS!!! Hurroo!

In other news, I have changed my Blogger template. I hope it doesn't make me look egotistical. I really don't love myself that much. Chris advised me on which photo to use. Don't judge me, pleeease!

I am off to bed now. Nanoo, nanoo.

Kylie's Anal Rant

This may seem a bit of an overreaction, but I feel the need to write about something that really gets on my nerves.


See the image below:
It's all wrong! The barlines are all in the wrong place, the sharps and flats are on the wrong line and if we're talking about the musical equivalent of grammar, it's all fucked up in general. Argh! If people want to use notation for decorative purposes, e.g. on a t-shirt or something, they should either: 1. look into how to write it correctly, or 2. get someone who knows what they're doing to create it. Someone like me :) or indeed anyone with a basic grasp of music theory. Ooh, it makes me angry!

To end on a positive note, I like Haribo. Haribo makes me happy, but not as much as Lindor makes me happy.

God I'm rubbish

Sorry I'm late. I've not got around to posting for a month! Anyway, here is a Flight of the Conchords video for your amusement. I know everyone knows about it by now, but I'm still going to post it anyway, so nare :)



HURRAH!!!

I didnae post last night so I am posting now. Look - it is a post. Yes.

It will only be short though as I am about to go shopping for new flat stuff and shiny things :) :) :).

Our new flat is very funkysome. Everyone is invited. Hurray.

We have seen a zombie print in a local shop that is soon to be the centrepiece of our living room. That's how cool our new flat is. Although I suppose it may startle people sleeping on the sofa.

I will take a picture once my camera is fixed (I think it got moisture in it from the swimming pool that was V 2007 and now it won't progress past the welcome screen) (I won't tell Curry's Digital that when I take it in today) (oh no, it was all their fault).

Anyway, I am off to eat some Weetabix from our glorious new kitchen.

Good morn!

Good morrow. It is me.

Hurrah! I am back, with internet forever more. At home and everything!

I will do a proper post tomorrow if I get chance, but for now, it is late and I must retire to bed.

Goody-bye!

xxx

V Festival and monkeys and, of course, their trousers

This morning we returned from Mr V. Festival. It was my first campy-festival experience, in that I have been to festivals before but only ones in Leicester or Coventry where I've been able to go home to a lovely warm bed and a shower and my penguin pyjamas at the end of the day.

It rained many and much. It was muddy many and much. We paid many and much for food and drink and plastic rain ponchos. We used many and much toilet seats baring ourselves to many visible poos and the smell of much visible (and invisible) poos. But the bands were many and much bloody good and we did "The Festival Dance" (think leg-kicking-in-a-circle like you've seen on the news) many and much. Generally it was many and much good. This is with the exception of Lily Allen who really did embarrass herself many and much, but let's forget her as failing to do so can only hinder the lives of such wonderful people who may choose to read this blog.

There was a bit of a to-do in getting out of the car park, what with Nick's car going to car sleepy land in the mud, but we eventually got home and I had the loveliest, warmest shower that I have ever experienced. It was also nice to walk on the firm, concrete-y floor to the shop round the corner. Ah, concrete. It is so very reliable and non-slippy.

That is all. I still have no internet so I am having to borrow Mr H's computer and may not be back for some time. For the time being I would like to request 1) a new job (£14,000 a year and no corporate bastards would be lovely), 2) an affordable and shiny flat in Wolverhampton and 3) some corduroy slacks fit for simians to dance in as I am planning a funky monkey disco for my future pet monkey and he is currently naked. Thank you.

P.S. I have changed my mind about Mika. He is quite good at playing instruments and has very good taste in trousers. And he provides very good music to back The Festival Dance.

Adam Buxton Songs of Praise thing as recommended by Rodney "Kylie's Dad" Posnett