My Blog That I Write Sometimes

Oooooh!

2011-01-23T16:00:00.001Z

I am doing a blog from my new phone using a Blogger app! FWATCHA!!! Let's see if it works, eh?

Currently, I am sitting with Christophe in the Rainbow and Dove with a lovely refreshing Coke. Chris is writing a sketch in which a small child sports a moustache. I think when we move into our own place we should have a moustache house party in which we hand moustaches out on the door, for men, women, children and animals alike. Everyone will be invited. We'll even put moustaches on the drinking glasses.

So yes.

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Wizard Lips

2010-01-11T13:48:00.006Z

... sink... wizard ships. Or so goes the popular saying.

Yes.

Since I'm off work sick with an evil fevery thing, and as a result confined to the sofa with my cosy blanket, I thought I'd try and use the time productively. The opening bit of this post is my idea of something productive. Many will disagree, but they can bugger off.

The phrase "wizard lips" has repeatedly cropped up in my mind lately for some reason. It even led me to spend half an hour or so creating an elaborate A4 scribble of a wizard the other day (see Facebook), just so I could draw and point out his wizard lips. Now, for some reason, I was compelled to do a Google Image Search of the phrase in question, and apparently there is a little-known hip-hop star of the same name (see their MySpace plus the below image).

Young Wizard Lips there

Now, please do not think that this is a musical recommendation. Having listened to their first track out of curiosity, I can't say that I'm their biggest fan. But it is most amusing.

Apparently, they're not even alive (they're "music-making ghouls") and their work sounds like "the sexual moans of a rap god and a hip hop goddess during the act of intercourse ontop of a huge record player heard through the clearest of headphones on the earth." Tee hee. Tee hee hee. I'm sure they're a group of lovely young lads.

Now for a fish finger sandwich, oh yeah!

Death by fictional villain

2009-06-15T09:35:00.004+01:00

After reading my brother's Facebook page and considering the "5 people that would probably like to kill you" application thing, I had an idea for an interactive blog/note.

Of all the (let's say fictional) evil murderer/villain type people, if you had to make the decision, who would you choose to finish you off?

At first I thought Ming the Merciless, but now I'm going down the classic Knightmare goblins route. Their dance was highly dangerous, apparently.

Thickos!

I still find that goblin horn noise scary.

I punched a crab and I liked it

2009-06-10T20:48:00.004+01:00

My eyes are a bit buzzy due to too much XBox-playing, and in particular Oblivion-playing - I am off work, after all :) - and I'm waiting for pizza to arrive, so I'll try not to write too much.

Above is an example of such a crab, just so you can see how big and strong I am. Virtual animal cruelty is fun. I have also recently killed some West Weald bears and some goblin skirmishers, which is always nice.

Things are looking up on the job front. We've both had a couple of calls from agencies in Leicester who seem quite confident that they can find us something soon if we just drop in, which we will be doing next Friday when we're in Leicester. All I have to do is a few typing tests, provide references and show my hideous passport photo. Thank god my passport expires next year...

We've decided to take advantage of time off work and go to Alton Towers next Wednesday. If anyone fancies coming with us, I have 4 buy-one-get-one-free vouchers cluttering up my purse which I'm willing to get rid of. There are already a few of us going but we should definitely have some vouchers spare so let me or Chris know if you're interested.

Pizza time!

Nom.

Newnesses

2009-05-25T14:03:00.003+01:00

Greetings.

Hello.

How are you?

I am fine.

Ignore the last thing about Tumblr. I've changed my mind.

I have 5 working days left at work, which is most thrilling. Perhaps this means I will no longer accidentally answer my mobile with the word "Orthopaedics" instead of the usual, normal "Hello?". That will definitely be a good thing.

Over the next 5/6 weeks, we will be moving to Leicesterland for a fresh start. The following advantages will be had:

Walking-to-work/walking-to-town opportunities, involving distances long enough for an increase in healthiness but not long enough to induce collapsing-ness.
Free swimming/badminton opportunities (good old leisure-centre-receptionist-mother).
House-ness, rather than flat-ness, allowing possible cat-ness (and barbecue-ness, but not of cats).
Opportunities for clarinet-tootling.
Opportunities for film-networking for Mr Kylie.
Funky bar/club-ness - no need to settle for chav-infested areas. Big need to settle for lovely lovely cocktails.
DOMINOS TOY SHOP!!!
Going-back-to-uni-ness allowing me to actually do something with my life and degree.
Family-ness.
Odeon-down-the-road-ness.
Escape from the daily horrors of dunce-infested areas like Dudley town centre.
Summer Sundae/Leicester Comedy Festival etc.

All of the above, plus easy access to transport back over here to see family and friends regularly for fun and frolicking.

Everyone must visit us.

Maybe one day I'll actually go through with that Murder Mystery party...

A new blog???!?!?!!!?!?!

2008-09-29T23:15:00.002+01:00

If you fancy having a look, I will be using a Tumblr blog from now on. It will be here and on Facebook.

I'm not sure whether this is a temporary thing or forever and ever and ever and ever. Blogger is a bit rubbish sometimes, isn't it? But then it has its advantages.

Who knows what will happen? What a metaphor for life this is.

See you soon I hope! x

Bloody hell!

2008-08-02T23:17:00.002+01:00

Have I really not posted since April?!!!

I keep doing these "blinkin eck I haven't posted for ages" posts. I think my blogging is a bit like casual alcoholism, in that I lapse every once in a while and post for a few days in a row solidly, then abstain for a number of weeks. Except blogging isn't bad, it's good, so I should blog more, but I don't.

Well.

I am a little bit tipsy, but luckily when I'm tipsy/drunk I manage not to do that thing that some people do and type with loads of spelling/grammatical mistakes in their posts or messages.

UNLESS I am making loads of mistakes and don't know about it due to the alcomohol.

Since I last posted, months ago, I have done lots. I have turned 24 and been to Liverpool with Christophe to celebrate this (we went to the Cavern and it was muchos buenos:)

The Cavern (as in the Beatles' gig place), Liver-o-pool

We also saw lots of Lambananas, which are sculptures of lambs with banana-like tails distributed throughout the city as part of Liverpool's year as the city of culture:

Beatles Lambanana

We both really liked Liverpool. We will be going back soon.

Also, we've been to the Latitude festival in Suffolk. There were bands by lakes and in the woods and sheep spray-painted pink and it was generally awesome. But that's another blog post in itself. Everyone should go there if they get the chance.

I will go now. I need my sleep before a well-overdue Hilmi/Dom Wing Wah trip tomorrow.

Good morrow! x

Toothy toothy teg teg

2008-04-25T18:39:00.004+01:00

Today I went to the dentist for the first time in about 10 years. Now I'm sure that everyone in the world has been enthusiastically keeping up with my dental ponderings for the past few months. However, to recap, please see Fig. 1:

Fig. 1: Holey pain and turny pain.

Holey pain and turny pain both arrived at roughly the same time. This was about a year ago. Yes, I am that bad at going to the dentist.

Holey pain is a hole - or cavity, if you will - which I was first convinced was a seed stuck in my tooth, and which later became more holey and less seedy (so to speak) and has, in the past few months, started to hurt a lot when I eat crusty baguettes, apples and other foods that feature on denture-sticking gel adverts.

Turny pain is a wisdom tooth that started to hurt during chocolate-eating sessions. And I do have sessions. Especially with Lindor. I later discovered that turny-pain-tooth was in fact angled about 45 degrees towards the front of my mouth, which I suspected was not good.

So I went to the dentist, fully expecting at least a filling and a scary tooth extraction. I am a wimp and go a bit hysterical at the thought of a paper cut, never mind a bone being pulled out of my body.

To my delight, Mr Dentiste said I would not need an extraction! Just a filling, he said. He offered to do it there and then but I stopped him right in his tracks. "I'm not having that, Mr Dentiste,"I said-ish. Instead it will be done in a couple of weeks.

But HURRAH!

THERE WILL BE NO PULLING OUT OF TEETH!

CANCEL THE DANCING MARMOSETS!

HURRAY!!!

Blongchok

2008-04-23T22:30:00.003+01:00

Why am I tired when I've just had two cans of Red Bull? I'm hoping they won't kick in just as I want to go to bed.

We were out last night at Walkabout down the road in Wolver-o-hampton city centre and I had some fake Red Bull before I went out, plus several servings of Coca Cola when I was out. I woke up an hour before my alarm was due to go off this morning and I could feel my heart beating faster than usual. At least I was relatively awake for work. Bloody work. I don't like my job at the moment. It is in Dudley after all. Nobody go to Dudley. You will be hassled by chavs and people playing shit music on mobile phones and old lady chavs who smell of wee.

All the caffeine woke me up in the middle of a very strange dream though. Someone gave me some new "bee" bubble bath, containing bees, which was meant to be invigorating due to fake stings. It wasn't supposed to hurt, but when I got into the bath I kept being stung on the left knee. The bastards had tricked me! It sleep-hurt lots. I'm thinking maybe my left knee was being eaten up by a real-life insect and this made me dream of bees.

I was stung by a wasp once in P.E. and it hurt many and lots. It was completely unprovoked. Wasps are the skinheads of the insect world.

What the hell am I writing about?!

I just felt like doing a blog. I will go now. Buzzzzzzz and that.

Egg overload

2008-03-25T22:23:00.005Z

I feel like having a good old blog. I have lots to tell, but most of the stuff I can think of to write about it mundane dull monkajonk. So with my apologies here it is:

- I went to Sainsbury's today (applause please) and upon walking to the checkout with a full basket of foodstuffs, I happened upon an aisle of HALF PRICE POSH EASTER EGGS!!!!! So I bought a Green & Blacks butterscotch egg/mini egg combo for the very reasonable price of £2.50. Scrum dum chum wum wum. Nom nom nom. I bought it for me and Chris to share but it turns out he doesn't like the richness of the chocolate, so it's all mine now. I will buy him another one, I promise :).

- I have a new pair of gogglespecs......bought during an emergency no-glasses situation in London. I needed some new ones anyway. I wasn't just being extravagant. The hat is my brother's, stolen purely for the photomographing opportunity.

N.B. the following stuff is not mundane dull monkajonk. I thought of it after I wrote the first paragraph:

- In London we went out in Cayyyymden Tarn (we being me, my dad, my brother and Chris) to a pub called the World's End, which had all kinds of jolly music and was generally very cool. My dad stayed till about 11 and then we went doonstars to the club below it. We left there pretty quickly though as the dancefloor had a funny smell...

- Also also in London we did the usual sightseeing stuff and, for the second time, met Mr Dan. We went to Hamleys and ate pizza and went to one of the few remaining Fopp stores (yay) where I bought The Devil's Backbone as I liked Pan's Labyrinth when I saw it on Christmas Eve. We like Mr Dan. He understands us, does Mr Dan :).

- We bought an X-Box on Saturday! I have been playing Oblivion as a character called "Keith" who is a lady dark elf, and due to a general lack of skills where computer games are concerned, have been getting killed lots and many by many and lots of goblins and devil-type firey bastards. You get to create your own characters and I don't quite know why there are so many different settings for nose width etc. It is fun though. I think I may be a geek, deep down. Chris has been playing Dead Rising and killing zombies with chainsaws and that. We are happy with our X-Box and it is our new friend.

- Monkeys.

That is all for now. Bye bye.

2008-03-07T22:13:00.000Z

I need to start blogging again. But not today :)

Kylie's gone to Iceland

2008-01-11T18:37:00.000Z

I have just returned from a feast of extra thin Chicago Town pizza with wedges and beans, just like Ma makes(/puts in the oven). The pizza was 75p! That's Iceland price.

Noodles is settling in well. Noodles is the hamster by the way. Well, her full name is Noodles Luna Maguire. We can handle her and everything now! She has attempted to nibble on occasion but hasn't bitten us yet - I don't think she has it in her. She is a mischievous scamp. She wants to eat my hair but I'm having none of it, and she likes the idea of going down the back of the sofa, which we are also prohibiting. Oh, but she is the fluffiest of fluffy things and has the softest of soft fur. Oh Noodles, we do love you so.

Noodles Maguire and the Scrumptious Carrot

Action Noodles

And so, an ode to Noodles:

Noodles how we love you so
Ear that twitch and fur like snow
You are nothing like a rat
We would not let you near a cat

Hat, fat, pat, Yasser Arafat

That
was a poem.
Yes.

Hamster hamster hamster hamster HAMSTER!

2007-12-15T11:46:00.000Z

We have a hamster! I bought her yesterday from the pet shop down the road. It was Chris's birthday yesterday, you see, and I thought he might like one.

She is white with small amounts of grey in her fur and she has a nose that goes "sniffle sniffle". I love her and she is my friend. Her cage has lots of tubes protruding from it. Overnight, she seems to have decided that it would be a good idea to take every last piece of food and the majority of her bedding from the cage itself into part of one of the tubes, and she has wedged herself inside. She is weird but we still love her. Even if it did take me ages to set her food bowl and sawdust and bedding etc out in her cage before she arrived yesterday.

I will post a picture very soon - I was going to take and post one for this blog but she's snuggled up in her new tube-bed-diner at the moment, and you can't really see her pretty eyes or sniffle nose.

Giggle.

Crigmas is upon us like a great big moggle bog

2007-12-11T23:19:00.000Z

Look!

I went to Wilkinsons on Sunday and bought a new Christmas tree and baubles and tinsel and a star, and I bloody decorated the tree, bloody bloody! It has a lilac theme, which you can't really see from the picture as it is a bit dark. It's dark because if I had taken the picture with the light on, the fairy lights wouldn't have shown up - which were, by the way, £1 from Poundland (bargain), and I bought them some time ago, purely because I like sparkly things. Either way, I think it is a work of art, and as such, this blog post will be tagged on Blogger as "Art of the highest quality", to go with all of my other superb art.

I am very proud of myself. It's the first proper (i.e. taller than 1 ft) Christmas tree I have ever had, and by that I mean while living alone away from my mum's house in Leicester.

We always used to have a real Christmas tree in Leicesterland, until this year. Apparently this year my mum's bought a fake one from B & Q. In previous years, I have always tried, and succeeded, to nip my mum's CRAZY threats of stopping the real tree tradition in the bud, but this year I have let myself down. Never mind. The cat always used to eat the needles from the real trees anyway, so maybe an artificial tree is best for everyone.

I am very excited about Christmas this year. Although me and Chris were together last Christmas, we'd only been going out for a few weeks, so we were physically apart on Christmas Day. This year, we'll be staying in the West Midlands until half way through Christmas Day, watching his cool and groovy kiddiewink niece and nephew open their cool and groovy presents and devouring some yumscrum dinner of the out-of-law-inlaws, before being driven to Leicesterland by my dad for drinks and a Christmas buffet courtesy of aforementioned dad (yes, we are posh) and evening present-opening. It is most thrilling. My mum's going to make Christmas dinner on Boxing Day instead of Christmas Day this year, so we will get TWO DAYS OF SILLY HATS!!! Hurroo!

In other news, I have changed my Blogger template. I hope it doesn't make me look egotistical. I really don't love myself that much. Chris advised me on which photo to use. Don't judge me, pleeease!

I am off to bed now. Nanoo, nanoo.

Kylie's Anal Rant

2007-11-22T19:47:00.001Z

This may seem a bit of an overreaction, but I feel the need to write about something that really gets on my nerves.

See the image below:
It's all wrong! The barlines are all in the wrong place, the sharps and flats are on the wrong line and if we're talking about the musical equivalent of grammar, it's all fucked up in general. Argh! If people want to use notation for decorative purposes, e.g. on a t-shirt or something, they should either: 1. look into how to write it correctly, or 2. get someone who knows what they're doing to create it. Someone like me :) or indeed anyone with a basic grasp of music theory. Ooh, it makes me angry!

To end on a positive note, I like Haribo. Haribo makes me happy, but not as much as Lindor makes me happy.

God I'm rubbish

2007-11-21T23:09:00.000Z

Sorry I'm late. I've not got around to posting for a month! Anyway, here is a Flight of the Conchords video for your amusement. I know everyone knows about it by now, but I'm still going to post it anyway, so nare :)

HURRAH!!!

2007-10-20T09:55:00.000+01:00

I didnae post last night so I am posting now. Look - it is a post. Yes.

It will only be short though as I am about to go shopping for new flat stuff and shiny things :) :) :).

Our new flat is very funkysome. Everyone is invited. Hurray.

We have seen a zombie print in a local shop that is soon to be the centrepiece of our living room. That's how cool our new flat is. Although I suppose it may startle people sleeping on the sofa.

I will take a picture once my camera is fixed (I think it got moisture in it from the swimming pool that was V 2007 and now it won't progress past the welcome screen) (I won't tell Curry's Digital that when I take it in today) (oh no, it was all their fault).

Anyway, I am off to eat some Weetabix from our glorious new kitchen.

Good morn!

Good morrow. It is me.

2007-10-18T23:12:00.000+01:00

Hurrah! I am back, with internet forever more. At home and everything!

I will do a proper post tomorrow if I get chance, but for now, it is late and I must retire to bed.

Goody-bye!

xxx

V Festival and monkeys and, of course, their trousers

2007-08-20T20:37:00.000+01:00

This morning we returned from Mr V. Festival. It was my first campy-festival experience, in that I have been to festivals before but only ones in Leicester or Coventry where I've been able to go home to a lovely warm bed and a shower and my penguin pyjamas at the end of the day.

It rained many and much. It was muddy many and much. We paid many and much for food and drink and plastic rain ponchos. We used many and much toilet seats baring ourselves to many visible poos and the smell of much visible (and invisible) poos. But the bands were many and much bloody good and we did "The Festival Dance" (think leg-kicking-in-a-circle like you've seen on the news) many and much. Generally it was many and much good. This is with the exception of Lily Allen who really did embarrass herself many and much, but let's forget her as failing to do so can only hinder the lives of such wonderful people who may choose to read this blog.

There was a bit of a to-do in getting out of the car park, what with Nick's car going to car sleepy land in the mud, but we eventually got home and I had the loveliest, warmest shower that I have ever experienced. It was also nice to walk on the firm, concrete-y floor to the shop round the corner. Ah, concrete. It is so very reliable and non-slippy.

That is all. I still have no internet so I am having to borrow Mr H's computer and may not be back for some time. For the time being I would like to request 1) a new job (£14,000 a year and no corporate bastards would be lovely), 2) an affordable and shiny flat in Wolverhampton and 3) some corduroy slacks fit for simians to dance in as I am planning a funky monkey disco for my future pet monkey and he is currently naked. Thank you.

P.S. I have changed my mind about Mika. He is quite good at playing instruments and has very good taste in trousers. And he provides very good music to back The Festival Dance.

Adam Buxton Songs of Praise thing as recommended by Rodney "Kylie's Dad" Posnett

2007-07-16T20:48:00.000+01:00

Shiny weekendness

2007-07-15T22:31:00.000+01:00

Alternative title: London - woo and that.

My weekend:

Lester P. Mason had his own ticket. The man on the train with the stampy thing didn't accept it. Tut.

Mistifer Christifer and sock monkey

Mr Hilmolius Jaidin

He brought it upon himself

- Friday evening at Spoons near Trafalgar Square for scrumbumptious paninis and cocktails and shit with newly/not-so/newly far-away friends. And Lester P. Mason, for whom the novelty of alchimohol was all too much (and who may appear in many photos as a result).

Ciaran "I love Miss Congeniality" Osborne and David (host and bf)

A Jon-Esther

- On to Popstarz for further jollities. I had not been to a gay club in yonks so it was many welcome. Although I think a man tried to hit on Chris via me. But not in a grabby scary way like people do in Blast Off etc.

- Back to Ciaran's in Brixton for sleeeeeep.

Shiny people Ms Jemima and Mr Dan

The cheese, THE CHEEEEESE!

- Chocolate spread on toast and a quick exit towards what we thought was the Virgin in Oxford Circus but was actually the Virgin in Picadilly Circus to meet Mr Dan and Ms Jemima. Oh, and Pizza Hut, naturellement...

- More fun.

- Shopping, that's what. Panda bag of joy, that's what. Oh yes.

- Scary but good pub off Oxford Street.

- Scrombiddilyjoy-filled wonderfood from a pub in Brixton.

- Various other things that I won't go into because it is twenty past eleven and I have been editing this post for far too long (bloody Blogger and its rubbish photo uploading system).

HURRAH!

I'm off to wake Chris up as he is on the sofa asleep. But only to take him to a more comfy bed. I'm not evil. Nighty night x

A belated Pingu valentine

2007-07-07T21:47:00.000+01:00

Hello. I have not been blogging enough. Soz. I have been rather busy of late. I have been eating lots of pizza and drinking at funky bars by the canal and trying not to scratch the mysterious cut that appeared on my left index finger at the Bright Eyes gig/Ramshackles last night. I also seem to have been bitten by one or several or many insect-people in my sleep. So yes, we're getting all the crappy things that summer should bring and NONE OF THE BLOODY SUN, RAAAARGH! Anyway. Tis not all bad.

Yesterday morning, I was interviewed for a job at the eye centre of a hospital in Birmingham. It went very well I think. I've wanted to work in a hospital for a long while now - down with corporations! Up with doing things that directly benefit people! I've been temping for two years since finishing my degree, waiting to get a job like this one. If I got the job I would be testing people's eyes for glaucoma, mainly over 55s but sometimes going out to schools to check that everything is ok vision-wise for the little kiddiwinks :).

It's a bit different to processing the mortgages of ungrateful people for £6.50 an hour.

I went for the same job in February, and apparently was favourite until the very last person. The lady interviewing me rang me back to say that I should apply if anything else came up because they liked me. And that is what I jolly well did. I find out on Tuesday anyway. Fins crossed, my fishies, fins crossed.

Here is a video of Pingu for Noodles. He doesn't like Pingu (shocking) but I am going to post it anyway.

Meme, teehee

2007-06-28T23:08:00.000+01:00

On Chloe's request, a fluffy new meme for your reading pleasure. And you will enjoy it. Oh yes. It's copy and paste time.

Rules:

We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
At the end of your blog post, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

1. Most of my favourite things are red and black and very, very sparkly.

2. I own two Jesus action figures. One has rolly feet so you can wheel him around and one has glow in the dark hands and loaves and fishes.
3. I have a habit of sporadically saying "monkey trousers", which has nothing to do with the old TV programme, which I have never seen.

4. My cousin went to school with the Sooty presenter who took over from Matthew Corbett. Now that's what I call a claim to fame.

5. As a child I used to have recurring nightmares which involved: 1. being chased by a giant Lego man and 2. being pushed down the stairs by Bully from Bullseye.

6. My obsession with the old ITV kids' show Knightmare is such that I originally spelt "nightmare" wrong in point 5.

7. I used to have a crush on Sonic the Hedgehog.

8. I clearly have issues as almost all of the above relate to my childhood :). And also because I used to have a crush on a cartoon character.

Tagged:

Christopher David Noodles Bate of Christopher David Noodles Bate's blog fame
Dan of Dan's blog fame
Maja of Maja's blog fame
The Grumble of The Grumble's blog fame

Bloggerwise this leaves me stuck *sob* as I am a newbie to regular bloggers, so I will continue the tagfest on Facebook...

And to finish, an air chicken Ryan Adams recital from Mistifer Christopher Bate:

Feeding carrots to monkeys

2007-06-26T19:13:00.000+01:00

Since I last posted, I have done the following: -

a bit of Cat Yoga

a bit of bubble harrassment

received, and eaten, a lot of Lindor (woo)

visited some birthday fish at the National Sealife Centre in Birmingham with Hilmi and Dom (generous Lindor givers) - photos of the meatier fish were taken by Chris.

eaten some good old Leicester toast. Leicester being the best city in the world or, if you prefer to disagree, I will go RARGH at you

discovered a new ready made Cosmopolitan mixer in M&S (buy it! Tis only £2.50!)

taken my brother by surprise

discovered Gladys A. Mummy at the New Walk Museum

seen some birds in the Wild Space section... hur hur hur...

and admired all manner of fine art.

Except for the Picasso pottery, which was crap :)

PICASSEROLE DISH, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(It was my birthday on Sunday, and I got a shiny new camera, hence the snap happiness)
(Oh and our internet is back, hurrah!)

(Hello)
(xxx)

A Powem

2007-06-07T10:22:00.000+01:00

I am me
Shopping spree
Buy a flea
On a pea
Have a wee
In the sea
On a bee
La la be
I can see
Lots of pee
Running free
From Monkey
Carol Smillie
Zebedee
Look! A shiny
I'm Kylie

(That's what you get when I can't think of anything to post about :))

Things that rhyme with "tree"

2007-06-07T10:17:00.000+01:00

Me
Spree
Flea
Pea
Wee
Sea
Bee
Be
See
Pee
Free
Monkey
Carol Smillie
Zebedee
Shiny
Kylie

And now, a powem...

The meme thing everyone seems to be doing

2007-06-05T10:47:00.000+01:00

Three Things That Scare Me:

1. Murderers

2. Death

3. Spiders (I stole that one from Chris. But here is a beauuuutiful picture to make me feel more innovative...)

Three People Who Make Me Laugh:

1. Bill Bailey

2. Eddie Izzard (AKA Dizzard in my household)

3. My friends and boyfriend. Otherwise what's the point?

Three Things I Love:

1. Baby terrapins

2. Shiny and in-tune pianos

3. Shiny things - preferably black with red sparkly stones

Three Things I Hate:

1. Judgemental people (and by that I mean the ones who judge you before they've even had a proper conversation with you)

3. Onions

Three Things I Don’t Understand:

1. Physics

2. Paris Hilton's popularity
3. The appeal of man-cardigans

Three Things On My Desk:

1. An electric fan

2. A little pink notebook that used to be in my handbag before I used and ripped out all of the pages.

3. Sparkly bangles (yay!)

Three Things I’m Doing Right Now:

1. Typing, it would appear

2. Sitting in a garden chair

3. Waiting for The Soup to come on. It is very good. You would do well to watch it.

Three Things I Want To Do Before I Die:

1. Learn to play the harp.

2. Set up my own little business and escape the 9-5. Maybe a little jewellery shop or something. Kylie's Shiny Things Emporium Full of Shiny Things That Sparkle.

3. Be in Chris's band of the future.

Three Things I Can Do:

1. Make "the best pancakes in the world", apparently.

2. Roll my tongue

3. Make sparkly/glow in the dark bracelets

Three Things I Can’t Do:

1. Not cry when sad/happy/angry/many other situations that most people can deal with rationally.

2. Ride a bike.

3. Climb/swing on the big rope in P.E. That wasn't an innuendo.

Three things you should listen to:

1. The songs of Mulligan and O'Hare

2. Potential traffic noises as you cross the road. Safety first.

3. Music at work. Down with rules! One day we will all be FREEEEE!!!

Three Things You Should Never Listen To:

1. Bernard Manning.

2. People who use the phrase "a job's a job".
3. The Cheeky Girls

Three Things I’d Like To Learn:

1. Latin and ballroom dancing (this was true before Strictly Come Dancing arrived).

2. How to be a good parent to Sea Monkeys, thus increasing their life expectancies.

3. The reason why photocopiers hate me.

Three Favorite Foods:

1. Pizza Hut pizzas and chicken wings.

2. Chicken carbonara

3. Lindor chocolates

Three Shows I Watched As A Kid:

1. Knightmare

2. Ghostwriter

3. Pob

Three Things I Regret:

1. Not working hard enough for my degree. Although if I had, I'd probably be living somewhere else and wouldn't have met Chris.

2. Not having visited the dentist sooner.

3. Leaving my 15p reduced-after-Easter Lindor eggs in the sun. They became inedible :'(

Three People I Tag:

I don't do tagging. I don't know enough people! Anyone reading who hasn't done this already.

UPDATE: It would appear that my spider photo has been taken down. Quel dommage.

A quick one...

2007-06-04T19:20:00.000+01:00

Me and Chris have been together 6 months as of Saturday. This post was going to be longer but aforementioned blokie is about to play Resident Evil and I want to watch him slash zombies so it is going to have to be a one-paragrapher. But yes, HURRAH!

To Chris,

Happy Sixmonthiversary,

Lots and lots of love from me

*sparkly yellow things*
*otters with party hats*
*monkey trousers*
*absolutely no play doh*

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Alas! Alack! My Tooth!", an autobiographical poem by Kylie "Plastic Dogetta" Posnett

2007-05-18T11:02:00.000+01:00

My tooth is black
What shall I do?!
It hurts me when I eat a shrew
A hole revealed itself to me
A tiny hole,
A cavity

When looking in a mirror-woo
And thinking of a kangaroo
I saw the little holey there
Nestled like a cream eclair.

At first I thought it was a seed
Or perhaps a cunning bead
A bead that sought a dental home
And fed upon the toothpaste foam

Removable with cocktail stick
YES
Cocktail stick would do the trick
But no, Alas, Alack, Aploooo
Oh no! Oh Keith! 'Twill just not do

No bead was there, no seed, no grain
Just a hole of crappy pain

And so, to Denty I must go
Denty being the surgeon-o
Although I haven't got the cash
So I'm not going yet
So there

Also I've found that one of my wisdom teeth is growing at a funny angle and looks set to push into my other teeth so I'll probably have to have it taken out and I am very scared of needles and operations and stuff and I haven't been to Denty for about ten years so by now every tooth probably has to have something done to it oh dear never mind wish me luck end of poem BYE

I was almost killed by a Stormtrooper...

2007-05-12T09:47:00.000+01:00

(which would be on the front page of Cosmo if I was in it)

YES!!!! It's the long-awaited photos and videos of last weekend and our trip to Leicester. Woohoo.

A Stormtrooper poses for me WITH HIS BIG WHITE GUN ooer

Our post-Fan Club trip to the (apparently haunted) Guildhall and Leicester Cathedral. Sorry about the darkness. The lack of light, not the band. Hur hur hur.

The National Space Centre

I tried to take a photo of a stormtrooper through the window of the canteen while enjoying a bag of Wotsits but he was having none of it.

Chris in front of a shiny rocket

The Royal Family

My brother Adam and his happy face

Adam made a "house for starving Ethiopian children", complete with ice cubes

Free lollies!

Chris turned into a duck and we had to take him to A&E, cutting the night short. Hoho.

The Crap Pianist Rag: A Howmarge to Mr Hilmolius Jaiden and Such

2007-04-28T10:20:00.000+01:00

Evil Pie Factory

2007-04-28T10:07:00.000+01:00

Cat

2007-04-28T10:06:00.000+01:00

Muncky

2007-04-28T09:56:00.000+01:00

Cow

2007-04-28T09:49:00.000+01:00

Archer's and Lemonade: Reprise

2007-04-21T16:53:00.000+01:00

Hello, Terry Nutkins. Today we went to the pub (or "pib" as I originally typed and corrected) and had some numnum. Me and Chris and Blair were there. My chicken club sandwich without the mayonnaise or tomato was just spiffing, and we had lots of fun on the games machine with Ant and Dec. Not the sexual kind. Eew. Then we went to Merry Hill (that shopping centre of glory with the Hotel Chocolat which I have yet to buy stuff from due to a lack of pennies since I moved here) and noticed a man with a fake bottom and bought hats and chewing gum and drinks. I tried on some sunglasses that made me look like Cliff Richard. I decided against buying them.

I am drinking Archers Aqua. I like drinking Archers Aqua. Is that Aqua of Mr Archer, or Aqua of Mr Archers? I need to know because I need to know where to put the apostrophe. Please do tell me if you know. Anyway, it is nice, although it has small bits of orange floating in it as I had orange juice in the same glass earlier. It all adds to the texture. In tribute to its wonder, I have decided to re-post mine and Carl's old hit, the Archers and Lemonade Song. Which looking at what I've pasted below would imply that Archers is, in fact, the Aqua of Mr Archer. Problem solved.

The Archer's and Lemonade Song by Kylie Posnett and Carl Beasley (to be sung to the tune of "Oom Pah Pah" from the musical "Oliver!")

I love Archer's and lemonade
I want to include the fire brigade
If I don't then I won't get paid
Because they commissioned this song.

CHORUS:
Arch-chers, Arch-chers, lemonade
Arch-chers, Arch-chers, Fire Brigade
Arch-chers, Arch-chers, I'm getting paid
To mention the fire brigade.

I like to stir it with a spoooon
It makes me feel I'm on the moooon
Which I shaln't compare to a balloooon
Because this is an overused cliche.

CHORUS

I tried to bake it in a flan
During my time as a chef in Japan
It incurred the wrath of the Emperor's gran
So I was condemned to death by cheese.

CHORUS

Drowning in cheese for many a week
They provided a salad of carrot and leek
When mixed with our drink the effects are unique
That's why I love Archer's and lemonade.

CHORUS

Hurrah! I'm off to drink Archer's Aqua and get ready for a probable trip to old Wolver-o-hampton town-city. Goodbye, Mr and Mrs Angrykitten.

For Christ's sake, eat a bloody egg

2007-04-17T16:27:00.001+01:00

My Autobiography

2007-04-12T14:57:00.000+01:00

1.Where did you take your main pic?
The Royal London, a jolly Scream pub in Wolver-o-hampton. We go there A LOT.

2.What exactly are you wearing right now?
A blue flowery skirt and a green stripy top. They clash and I am ashamed.

3.What is your current problem?
Until today it was a lack of job and money, but I start a new one (albeit a £5.75 ph one) on Monday so it should sort itself out soon. I need some NHS person to give me a job. Then everything will be good.

4.What makes you happy most?
Chris and Mars Ice Creams and having lots of people and places to visit and having escaped from a rut. I miss people in Coventry lots but my mental health has improved. I was a nutbox before.

5.What's the name of the song that you're listening to?
It's called "Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" and it's by The Freezer.

6.Any celeb you would marry...
Penelope Keith

7.Name someone with the same birthday as you?
Julie off of Biological Sciences! Also apparently St John the Baptist was beheaded on my birthday.

8.Ever sang in front of a large audience?
In choir yes. I did Verdi's Requiem and a musical about coffee called Arabica at the De Montfort Hall.

9. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
Someone evil once compared me to Avril Lavigne for some reason. I think it was because my hair was all one length and dull.

10.Do you still watch kiddy movies or kiddie TV shows?
I watched a rip-off of Dora the Explorer when I was at Chris' dad's on Sunday. It taught me all about sharks and how to identify different species. Not like back in my day...

11. Do you speak any languages?
Oui. Je suis un bureau de change.

12. Has anyone you've been really close with passed away?
Only when I was little.

13.Do you ever watch MTV?
Sometimes.

14.What's something that really annoys you?
Up-themselves bosses (grrr).

Chapter 1:
===============
1.Middle name (s):
Amanda.

2.Nickname(s):
Plastic Dog, Chien au Plastique, Baby Duck...

3.Current location:
The kitchen/armchair and garden chair and computer room

4.Eye color:
Hazel

Chapter 2:
===============

1.Do you live with your parent(s):
No

2.Do you get along with your parent(s):
Yes

3.Are your parents married/separated/divorced
Separated.

4.Do you have any Siblings?:
1 brother and 1 half brother

Chapter 3: Favorites
===============
1. Ice Cream:
Phish Food!

2. Season:
Summer

Chapter 4: Do You..
===============
1. Dance in the shower?
No, that would be weird.

2.Do you write on your hand?
I sometimes draw smily faces on my hand without realising it.

3.Call people back:
When I can.

4.Believe in love:
Yes!

6. Any bad habits
I molt. But that's not my fault. Salt.

7. Any mental health issues:
Quite a few :)

Chapter 5: Have You..
===============
1.Broken a bone:
No

2.Sprained stuff:
No

3.Had physical therapy:
*sigh* no

5.Taken painkillers:
Lots. I'm not addicted or anything...

6. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling:
No

7.Been stung by a bee:
I was stung by a wasp. It was totally unprovoked. The bastard.

8.Thrown up at the dentist:
No, I might do soon though. I have a black hole in my tooth (not the vacuum-ous kind) and I don't like the thought of what he's going to do about it.

9.Sworn in front of your parents:
Accidentally.

10. Had detention:
Yes, for being late to assembly.

11.Been called a hoe:
One too many times...

Chaper 6: Who/What was the last
===============
1.Movie(s):
Shaun of the Dead I think.

2.Person to text you:
Christophus

3.Person you called:
My dad.

4.Person you hugged
Jinx (the Cat)

5.Person you tackled:
I don't play rugby

6. Person you talked to on IM?
I haven't signed in for yonks. Maybe Esther.

7.Thing you touched:
My phone to see who I called last

8. Thing you ate?
A lovely Red Leicester cheese sandwich. It really is a superior cheese.

9.Thing you drank:
Diet coke (the boycott went out of the window temporarily)

10.Thing you said:
"Meow", to Jinx.

A wasp bastard

Meme meme meme, la la la la la

2007-04-06T20:49:00.001+01:00

1. What ended your last relationship?
An argument about fish. And the fact that he was a bat. It was never going to work...

2. What were you doing at midnight last night?
I was at Rebellion grooving and losing my passport and drinking from a lovely pink cup.

3. What were you doing this morning at 8am?
Waking up with a biiig hangover.

4. First thought after waking up this morning?
POJWRNVHSfkJFHweiulcnytilsvnggslrNooooooooooooooooooooooo! I feel very dizzy!

5. Are you any good at math?
I got an A at A-Level. The easiness of Decision helped me with that. I seem to remember something about a Chinese postman.

6. Prom night?
Alas, our college never had a prom.

7. Do you have any famous ancestors?
No

8. Have you ever taken out a loan to pay for school?
Yes, bloody thing

9. Do you know the words to the song on your myspace profile?
Yes I do.

10. Last thing received in the mail?
My timesheet, I believe.

11. How many different beverages have you drank today?
Hmm, let's see... I had water in the morning, a J2O at the pub and some squash. I decided against hair of the dog.

12. Do you ever leave messages on people's answering phones?
Sometimes. I hate doing that though.

13. Ever been in love?
As of 2nd December 2006, yes.

14. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
Haven't been to the beach since, oh, 1963.

15. What cell phone provider do you have?
Vodaphone.

!16.Where is your most favourite place in the world?
Bed.

17. Do you have any plans for tonight?
Blair is over and we are all going to have fishfinger sandwiches and Party Babies (to eat, not give birth to) and watch telly-o-vision. Hurrah.

18. Do you like the ocean?
Yes, when I'm not in it.

19. Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different popcorn?
What are you rambling on about, you Raccoon of Mystique?

20. Have you ever been to a planetarium?
YES! I went to the one next to Madame Tussaud's when I was a wee tyke. Twas a jolly place.

21. Something you are excited about?
The coming weekend and chillin' and David J's party and Chris not having to go to work and stuff.

22. What is your favorite flavour of jelly?
Raspberry and Jesus.

23. Are any of your great grandparents alive?
No, and I have but one grandparent left, Grandmama in Walestown. My mother calls her the wicked witch of the west and she used to say she came to visit on a broomstick. She is nice really, if a bit Dougal-esque :)

24. Describe your keys:
I borrow Chris's keys. We need to get a new one cut. Then I will attach Bob the Rainbow Trout and all will be well with the world.

25. Where do you keep your change?
In my purse, you pillock.

26. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people?
My lecture for my final year project I think. Ooooh that was scary

27. What kind of winter coat do you have?
A big black one with buttons that fall off and a ripped lining. I need a new coat.

28. What was the weather like on your graduation?
It was very sunny, with sun and sunshine and light and the usual things that come with the sun.

29. Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed?
Even if it's closed Jinx opens it to wake us up. We can't win really.

Suck But No Blow: 36

2007-03-29T20:22:00.000+01:00

Because I have used the word "porn" in this sentence lots of porn-looker-for-ers will stumble across my page and get annoyed. Ho ho ho.

Enjoy.

Suck But No Blow 36

Outtakes #1: Cat Escapes Mid Filming

Outtakes #2: My Acting Downfall and the Beginning of Blair's Movie Star Career

CREDITS

The Fixer: Mr Christopher D. Bate
Lady McHotass (The Fixee): Mr Blair Frame
Failed Lady McHotass: Miss Kylie "Plastic Dog" Posnett
Cat: Miss Jinx (the Cat)

"Duck Pancakes" - A Poem of Warning

2007-03-14T21:08:00.000Z

Pancake, pancake, pancake
Toothpaste, toothpaste, sock
Spongecake, spongecake, spongecake
Stick of, stick of rock

Cocker, cocker spaniel
Herpes, rabies, mange
Raping ducks is clever
Kissing ducks is strange

Wobble! Wobble! Wobble!
I'm falling from a tree!
I cannot cope
This duck's anus,
It wasn't meant for me

Bang! Bang! Bang!
(Not in the sexual sense)
Broken legs and broken arms
But what's the duck's defense?

"Quack! He did it, him!"
The duck began to say
An officer was taking note,
"More backup's on its way."

Nee-nah, nee-nah, nee-nah
Handcuffs, guns and cars
There's no escaping punishment
I'm going behind bars

So what's the lesson here, good friends,
The moral to my tale?
You rape a duck
You pay the price
Of feathery betrayal

Leave the fucking things alone
For God's sake, Mary Jane
They'll rape you back, metaphorically
With ducky, fucky pain.

Boo!

2007-03-09T22:41:00.000Z

It is me. Hello.

I haven't blogged for three weeks. Well I never. How unusual.

I've just finished by first week at Barclays. We have shiny folders full of shiny pictures and text telling us what we're going to be doing for the next six months, with many a spelling mistake, but then you can't expect accuracy from banks can you? I am part of a team of about 50 dogsbodies helping to merge Woolwich customers' accounts to Barclays ones. Woolwich has been bought out by Barclays you see. It's all very fascinating. Banks, eh? They're great.

Today, on two occasions I noticed that my flies were undone. I hope there is no defect in my trousers and that nobody noticed. I was quite bored at lunch so I drew pictures entitled "A Shocked Macaroon" and "Escher's Goose".

Since the last time I metaphorically stabbed your mind with a HUGE DAGGER OF BLOG I have also started playing The Sims again. There is now a me (Kylini) and a Christophe and we have three wizard children (Little Barry Puppet Teeth, Bastardface and Eggchrist). We have set up camp next to Bob and Betty Newbie and everything seems to be going just fine. You can see us as Sims on Chris' blog by the way. Unfortunately we both have crap hair. I did my best but I had limited resources.

Anyway...

THE ADVENTURES OF KYLINI AND CHRISTOPHE BONGO - EPISODE 1

Kylini and Christophe Bongo move into Bongo Towers with a little money but bugger all else. Except the wizard kids (they have hats and capes and everything).

Paper girl arrives. Kylini and Chris are offered the same job - Daredevil. Oh, how true to life, except in real life we were both offered jobs with the AA. You can clearly see the similarities though.

Buy groovy new bookcase, beds for the kids and a sink for the bathroom, plus a TV and stereo. They all watch Seinfeld together and everyone is joyous. Hurray.

Meanwhile, over at Bob and Betty's, Betty calls Bastardface. In an epic twist, we find that she is unable to get hold of him as he is at school.

Some rubbish goes mouldy and fly-infested. Kylini saves the day with her outstanding cleaning abilities.

Bob and Betty come round. There's a big conversation on the subject of octopuses. Bob and Betty aren't impressed with this. They clearly have better things to talk about. Ignorant bastards.

During a TV-watching session, Kylini and Christophe descend into argument as Christophe attempts to hog the TV to watch cartoons.

To diffuse the tension Christophe and Kylini spend an hour or so brushing up on their cookery and mechanics knowledge respectively using the brand new super duper groovy bookcase. All is well with the world.

Time freezes, Knightmare style. Kylie plays Lemmings instead.

THE END

Le weekend

2007-02-18T20:15:00.000Z

Qu'est-ce que tu as fait au weekend, Kylie? Alors, je vais te tell maintenant. En francais in parts. Mal francais avec bad grammar et pas de accents. So there. Geddoverit, spoons.

Vendredi

J'ai done lots of fencing with mon new friend, Salamander Bruce. He bought me a new sword thing so I decided to try it out. ON HIS SALAMANDER BRAINS, MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

He deeeead now. RIP Bruce.

It's his own fault for changing colour like a crazy colour-changing lizard. Freak.

Samedi

LORDY LORDY LOO
I made a pointy shoe. For you. And a gnu. Woohoo. Just the one thooooough.

Buckaroo.
Dimanche

I danced in the morning when the world was young

- I'm older than I look. That's me there on the left.

I danced in the moon and the stars and the sun

- that was quite a challenge. They're quite far apart from each other and the last two are a bit balmy.

I came down from heaven and I danced on the earth

- I parachuted.

At Bethlehem I had my birth

- Which is a lie. I was born in Leicester Royal Infirmary.

I danced for the scribes and the Pharisees

- They needed someone at short notice. Jill Halfpenny cancelled on them.

They wouldn't dance, they wouldn't follow me

- They're dead now so it might have been a bit much to expect anything more.

I danced for the fishermen James and John
They came with me so the dance went on

- Nice blokes. They gave me a free trout.

I danced on the Sabbath and I cured the lame

- Oh yeah, go me.

The holy people said it was a shame

- They must have been in the wheelchair business.

They ripped, they stripped, they hung me high

- There they are. They were Full Monty holy people from a BDSM cult.

Left me there on the cross to die

- Bastards.

Then I did a blog post. This is she. Her name is Petunia. Petunia Ripplemoose.

Bacon lardons.

Ooooooooooh Chimpanzee that! Monkey News

2007-02-12T11:28:00.000Z

And here are the headlines: -

*BONG*

I HAVE NO JOB
I didn't lose my job at BT, but I jolly well gave it up! I started last Thursday with several other nice-and-jobworthy-but-somehow-out-of-work people, all from different agencies. Many people have told me things about BT, mainly not good (hello David), but I thought I'd give them a chance. Kat seems to be doing well after all. Also it gave me the opportunity to get away from my old job. I really should have known better.

- Within an hour of us being there, we were hurried off into a tiny round-sofa-ed kitchen area in the middle of the office to be "welcomed" into the company and told of BT's rules. And that by Monday at the latest we would be "on the phones bringing money in!" Oh the joy!

- There will be no eating of any food at your desk, except boiled sweets. It looks "unprofessional" and apparently, when you do so, food becomes lodged in your throat thus preventing any further answering of calls throughout the day. This rule used to be limited to hot food only but a couple of months ago some member of senior management decided the working environment wasn't strict enough. Anyone found to be eating at their desk will be taken to the Naughty Room and cautioned by their plebby team leader.

- There will be no breaks during the day except for a half-hour lunch break. This excludes toilet breaks (oh BT, with these toilet breaks you are really spoiling us).

- There will be no personal internet usage, unless you come to work half an hour early or you luuurve the company and like to stay in the office during above mentioned lunch break.

- Mobile phones must be switched off at all times. Silent mode is not an option. Employees of BT must be aware that during office hours they are dead to the world. No outside phone call is too important.

- No staff will be given permanent contracts (except senior management) - one employee has been temping for 10 years. Secular-God help him.

Etc etc blah blah blah. All during our first day. Me and three others spent most of the day in a meeting room known as "The Freezer" (we had to wear coats) being trained on the database and accounting systems we were to be using. One of the team leaders led the presentation ("do you all know how to use a mouse?"/"some people don't like the rules, but you have to obey"). He kindly gave us two extra 10-minute breaks in which we went to the canteen to chat about each of our various escape routes. One of the guys in our group was a partly-trained accountant with a Biomedical Sciences degree, and I spent a lot of time chatting to a lady who had recently set up a vintage boutique, but needed a job to tie her over while it got off its feet. Both clever people, both patronised for the entirety of the day by some "I'm bloody great and you will respect me" Gareth-from-The-Office type. I really hope they're not still there by the end of the week.

Anyway yes, by the end of the day I was actually laughing at the crap that was spouting from "Gareth"'s mouth. I decided I wasn't going back tomorrow and sent an email to that effect to the agency guy who had given me a job, thanking him for the opportunity nevertheless.

I went for a job interview with Dudley Council on Friday. I was supposed to have gone to see them on Thursday but for obvious reasons couldn't. It went very well and the people seemed very nice. They have three vacancies scattered around the region and I said I didn't have any preference, so I suspect they're trying to find people to fill all three posts before they get back to me. I hope I get the job.

*BONG*

I MIGHT COME BACK TO WARWICK FOR LUNCH THIS WEEK
as I have no job and need to spend some time packing my room before I move out proper on Saturday. I miss South Central and the Union and of course everyone. Shall we go up to the Grad? :)

If any of you want to go shopping in Brum or for lunch or something this week let me know. Go on, twill be fun. Spoon.

*BONG*

I HAVE A COLD
Atchoo.

*BONG*

I JUST PUT JINX OUT
and she came straight back in and did a poo in the litter tray.

*BONG*

I MIGHT GO TO MERRY HILL TODAY
Despite having no money, it will pass the time away. Maybe I will buy a penny sweet.

*BONG*

NO LEAVING DO TILL I HAVE MORE MONEY
I promise I'll come back to Coventrar soon for some kind of leaving drinky thing. For now I have £30 in the world so I can't afford it.

*BONG*

I HAVE AN ITCY NECK
My neck is itchy and I'm off to scratch it.

That was the news *shuffles papers*

MUSIC: *Doooooooooo do do doooooooooo* BONG BONG BONG

I have a job!!!

2007-02-07T15:25:00.000Z

Hurrah! A nice man from an agency called me at lunchtime today asking if I could start tomorrow! It's with BT doing credit control in Wolver-o-hampton city centre. So yes, I'm starting tomorrow.

Goodbye, cruel office.

I went to see my boss after I'd heard, and he said, "Can't they let you start on Monday", to which I replied, "NO! No, you silly man. They need me tomorrow. Bumhole and spew to you. Muahahahahaha!" Well, I didn't say that, but I stood my ground and told him no and went over what needed to be tied up and he had to deal with it. So there. I don't care any more. I've done my bit and that is all that I will be doing.

Tonight I will pack a bag and train-it to Chris's house ready for my 9:30am start. Maybe I will no longer have South Central chicken-cranberry-sauce-cream-cheese baguettes but maybe that's a good thing. The Baguette Lady won't be able to mock me for my choices any more. But no more lunches with Hilmi and Esther. Humph. We'll have to do it at the weekend somewhere else... Pizza Express, anyone? ;)

I'll be back lots. Plus I'll be paying rent for the next week so I might be back for Fabulous, depending on how much I need to pack. As I said before, invite me to everything and tell me all the gossip as I will miss Pride politics... ho ho ho.

I must go and pretend to work for my last hour now. Bye bye!

P.S. Leaving do is in the pipeline :D

Bye bye Warwick and a cautious "Yaaay!"

2007-02-06T16:09:00.000Z

Oh, many things to report from the past couple of days. Things are actually moving forward. Because I'm making them. I don't like my job and I'm bored of Coventry and its concrete and I need a change and a career. I will of course miss all you Warwick people, and I expect many visits both from and to you in the future. Don't leave me out of any house party invites. Or else. But it's been almost two years since I've graduated and I have nothing but a string of "I still want to be a student" jobs to show for it. Plus it's getting harder and harder to be away from Chris for any length of time. For the first night in over a week we won't be together tonight and I know I'm going to be mopey and teary in true Kylie fashion for the rest of the day. Yes anyway, I'll get to the point...

The following things have happened since yesterday: -

Monday morning: I had a small "arrrrgh I can't take this job any longer" panic for the manyth time in the past few weeks. I decided having a job was stopping me getting a job. I haven't got time to apply apply apply while I'm working and travelling backwards and forwards to Chris's. Apply apply apply is exactly what got me my Student Finance job within a couple of weeks this time last year. Apply apply apply is what I need to do and I need stress-free time out of work to do it. SO: I decided I would set a date about 4 weeks in the future after which I would leave my current job. Which means handing in my notice in three weeks. No more work. No more being alone in pokey office with nobody to talk to and no impossibly scary work to do.

Monday afternoon: I applied for two new temping agencies, both recommended by Chris. One of them called me back asking me to see them on Tuesday morning with my passport and a payslip. The other has emailed me with a typing test which I will do after work.

Monday evening: I went straight from work to Chris's. No need to get up at 6:30 on Tuesday morning, as my interview was down the road at 10am! Woohoo!

Tuesday morning: Went to Career Prospects with my passport and a payslip, and they said they thought they'd be able to get me work easily, but most of their temp jobs are "start tomorrow" type things, so she wouldn't really be able to help me till I finish where I am now. "Tick-tock," went my brain. I did a typing speed test thingy, and got 51 wpm. The lady said "wow" and that she hadn't seen that for a while :) and there was me being disappointed because I'd previously got 60 wpm...

ALSO another agency rang me saying I'd be able to get an interview for another job in Wolverhampton city centre on Thursday. I'm just waiting for them to call me now.

Tuesday afternoon: A different lady from Career Prospects called asking if I'd be interested in a job with Dudley Council, saying she'd arrange an interview for Thursday afternoon. I said YES YES YES.

My supervisory type lady asked how the interview with the agency went, and added that it would be ok for me to leave without giving her a week's notice if something came up... cue Kylie frantically emailing lady from this morning to say I can start now and please, please, PLEASE give me a job.

BIG NEWS: I emailed my landlady giving her notice till next weekend (17th Feb).

In conclusion: a reserved "yay!" and, job or no job, I will be leaving Coventry next weekend at the latest. All kinds of emotions. I had to just go to the toilets for a small sob to release the happydespairjoyexcitement which has been building up for a good while now.

To Warwick people: bye bye, I will miss you all, and I'll arrange some kind of lovely drinky Fuck Off Plastic Dog party before I leave if I can. Although bear in mind I'll have no money so I may be sober. Facebook and MSN me often when I'm gone as I will need all the gossip.

To new Quarry Bank/surrounding area people: HELLO! I'm on my way! Please be my friend and I will make you shiny things and buy you drinks and pat you on the head and things. I look forward to many adventures with you in the future :)

To Chris: Thank you thank you thank you for letting me stay at yours at short notice and for changing my life and opening many lovely new doors for me. And for everything. I love you and I can't wait to live with you properlike. Wahey! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hmm. This is weird. I feel like I'm drafting this for a month's time or something. I don't feel like I'm really leaving yet. I'm sure it will hit me soon.

Let's release all the emotion with a smiling fish.

Observations

2007-01-30T12:27:00.000Z

Spaniels + coffee = spaniel coffee

Hedges + sausages + life = dancing hedge sausages

Cows + ears = cows with too many ears

Triceratops + peas = carnage (they don't like peas)

Wolves + carpenters + wood = shelves with wolves on them

Eggs + pegs = a mess (the eggs get cracked, the pegs get all gloopy and wet - it's really not worth the bother)

Ants - ants' legs + otters' legs = monsters

Today I came to work on the bus/train/legs from Chris' house. On the way, I listened to the radio, wondered where Doncaster was, noted the worrying number of child commuters (one was reading the Metro in a businessman-like holding-newspaper pose), ate a double chocolate cookie from Millie's, queued for aaages as the FastTicket machines were broken and drew a fine picture of a nun with a twirly leg floating through space:

After work I'll be going back to Brum to show my passport to the people at a temping agency. They potentially have an interview lined up for me with BT on Friday, hurroo! In my interview I plan to wow them by begging and promising shiny things. How can it fail?

Spoon spoon.

My life as a spoon, in photos

2007-01-25T10:58:00.000Z

Wahey! Photos from the weekend/yesterday on the Glitter Ball stall at lunch. Blair hath already given a very accurate report on Saturday night's goings on. Let us now rejoice in the power of the photo and match faces to names.

This is just a selection of the wonderful ART (and art it is) on offer. Non-Facebooky people, see here for the rest :). Facebooky people, spoon.

Saturday night: me taking a photo of Chris taking a photo

We played pool! Well, I didn't. I'm crap at pool.

Blair and random man with sparkly T-shirt

Christopher Bate does a smashing pool cue solo

Sunday afternoon: lunch at Spoons with Chris' family, including ikkle niece Ellie. She was mesmerised by a swastika grafitti-ed to the side of our table...

Wednesday lunchtime: Warwick Students' Union. Twas Europe Day during One World Week. Much free food was available on billions of stalls. I chose against it. It was all Too Spicy for my childlike palate.

Hilomius stole some free candy floss to use as a cunning disguise...

... I could not resist creating an alter-ego: Kylieard the Wise Bearded Fellow

According to Hilmi, Adam Ant is "some Spanish guy". I will continue to milk this for some time.

And blah and ta-da and hurrah! That is it. Enjoooooy with a packet of McCoooooooys.

Cor Blimey!

2007-01-24T10:58:00.000Z

IT'S BEEN SNOWING!!!!!!! Has it snowed yet this year? I can't remember whether it has.

I've had a stressful few days what with work/finding a new job etc but I've arranged to have the next two Fridays off, so I feel slightly more hopeful today. Hurrah and things.

Most of the time I don't like my current job. However, there's the odd occasion where I feel like I'm a Crystal Maze contestant person in one of those Mystery levels - you know, the ones where you go into a little office and have to get solve a string of clues from notes posted under hats/in drawers/attached to a hidden rottweiler. There are loads of mysterious mystery folders of mystique and drawers containing several million keys scattered around my office. I had one of those moments today. I didn't find what I was looking for but it was very interesting all the same.

There was a point to this post but I can't remember what it is. Oh well.

Rice Krispies Multigrain

Milk

Yum (apparently)

I just ate several handfuls from the box in my drawer without milk and still enjoyed them. That's what skipping breakfast does to you.

Spoon

2007-01-20T18:28:00.000Z

Spoon.

Je suis une banane

2007-01-19T13:41:00.000Z

Things that worry me about me: -

I get excited when a "Best Before" or "Use By" date falls on my birthday.

It really, really bothers me that the plastic knives and forks in Cafe Library are blue and orange rather than matching colours.

I always read magazines back-to-front

I still can't ride a bike :)

I'm scared of lighters and fire and firelighters.

I had a dream the other night that Barry Manilow was the man in the moon. Anyone who dreams about Barry Manilow has to be two eggs short of... a box of eggs.

The word "spoon" seems to be infiltrating itself into more and more of my everyday conversations. Having said that, I think I did well not to mention it in the knife and fork point above.

Let's hope it doesn't hinder my job search.

And to end, by popular demand... A PHOTO OF ME AND CHRIS! (Sorry, Facebook people.) Possibly my favourite so far actually. Spoon.

Meme thingy thing, woo!

2007-01-17T18:43:00.000Z

Forgive me. I wrote this yesterday at about 4-4:30. I've just remembered to copy and paste it though. Spoon.

Q: A friend whose name starts with 'M'
A: Mr Matthew Stonky

Q: 4th person on your missed calls?
A: Hilmolius Jaidin

Q: What did your last text message say?
A: It was from Christophe, telling me he was leaving Blogger for MySpace. Blogger won’t let him change to the new version, and he’s seen how much easier the new thing is from my login so I don’t blame him! Tis a shame though.

Q: Do you chew on your straws?
A: Yep. I also without fail flatten one end, fold that end into a thin pointy bit and create a triangle by joining the two ends together. That was hard to explain. I doubt anyone but me will understand. I’ll take a picture next time I’m near a straw.

Q: What is the next concert/meeting etc. you're going to?
A: We going to see the Noisettes at the Charlotte in Leicester on Sunday, but that’s kind of fallen through. Nothing else planned but I’m sure something wonderful will plonk itself into my diary soon enough. My diary is becoming very hectic, woohoo, go me!

Q: Who is the coolest person in your life?
A: You know the one. He writes his own films, is generally amazingly pretty and makes the best cheesy chips EVER :D.

Q: What words do you say a lot?
A: "Like". I really should stop that. And "Jesus". Some people assume I’m religious because of my Jesus obsession. They are insane nuttery types.

Q: What is the last thing you ate?
A: A chicken, cream cheese and cranberry sauce baguette from South Central. All the "C"s. My speciality. The blonde South Central lady always ridicules me for it. I always pray to Yayzoos Creest that someone else will serve me but it never works.

Q: What was the last thing you said to someone?
A: It was very dull. I spoke to a Physics academic guy who needed a change made to his lunch booking at Radcliffe. I told him I’d do it. Dull, dull, dull. This is my life.
The most interesting thing I said to someone today was "ARGH!!!!!", to Hilmi, when I got off the crowded bus this morning. He was standing by the driver and prodded me when I walked past. I was listening to my IPod so I wasn’t with it at the time, and he literally made me jump. The giant gnuface.

Q: Do you watch TV?
A: Only if Strictly Come Dancing is on :). Otherwise it’s the internet or DVDs about parsnips and their uses.

Q: Do you have work/school tomorrow?
A: Rargh. Yes. Unless I kill all inhabitants of the Physics department (yes they do all live here) (I’ll spare you, Esther).

Q: Ever been hunting?
A: Shut it, you silly moo.

Q: Is marriage in your future?
A: I am already married to a shoe. Sorry Chris.

Q: What should you be doing right now?
A: Ha! Working. Being a PA/Secretary.

Q: Do you have a nickname?
A: Many. I particularly like to go by the name of "Plastic Dog" or "Chien au Plastique".

Q: Do you believe in love at first sight?
A: Sight has nowt to do with it.

Q: Who's the youngest one in the family?
A: Moi or Cookie.

Q: Are you a heavy sleeper?
A: *Cue obesity joke from Alex*

Q: Do you clean up nice?
A: I clean up rarely but when I do, I make sure it’s done properly. Having said that, wherever I go I leave an aura of sparkliness and wonder, naturally :D.
Hang on, does this mean "Do you scrub up well?". In which case, no, but I let the glitter/sequins work their magic.

Q: Last time you used a skateboard?
A: I fall over wherever skateboards/skates/ice skates/high heels/normal shoes are concerned.

Q: Have you ever started an uncontrollable fire?
A: Yes. I burnt a pixie village once. You should have seen their faces melt.

Q: Best movie you've seen in the past two weeks?
A: I think the only film I’ve seen has been the Life of Brian. Oi loike it though.

Q: Next place you'll go:
A: Home. Soon. It’s 4:07! Yay!

Q: Next movie you want to see?
A: Everything showing at the cinema right now is codswallop.

Q: Next time you're going out:
A: Maybe at the weekend. Maybe not. I’m poor.

Q: Next thing you're going to save money for:
A: My Glitter Ball ticket! Or maybe some milk. Pity me.

Q: Next time that you will drink alcohol:
A: Whenever I go out next.

Q: Next place you'll take vacation:
A: Possibly Cyprus. Chris’s mum lives out there and has invited us. It is very exciting. I neeeeeed a holiday!!!

Q: Next thing you are going to do after filling this survey:
A: Procrastinate in various ways. Perhaps I will stew an otter in a vat of boiling pus. What a wonderful way to end this post.

Some Deep Art

2007-01-15T20:56:00.000Z

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...

"My Head and Insides Currently Feel Like This"

"My Head and Insides Currently Feel Like This"

for all you Webdingers out there

- a depiction of the way my head and insides feel currently. In the form of a hedgehog being liquidised, and therefore in pain, accompanied by smiling faces of immense joy.

Enough said.

Blah and the letter "A"

2007-01-15T10:04:00.000Z

Bored. Sick of job. Sick of Coventry. If anyone asks me to do any work today I don't think I'll be able to resist throttling them to death. Not a good quality for a PA. Still, it was a wondrous weekend with Christophe and ponies and such.

WAHEY!!! It's Christina the Wonder Pony...

...and me, the less wondrous but ever-loving pony-mother...

...in a bloody amazing little bar on Spon Street. How I have managed to avoid a whole street of cool bars after 2 1/2 years of living here is beyond my little mind. It was also Claire and Matthew Stonky's birthday house party. I had lots of punch and Dooley's and twas joyous. Merci Monsieur Stonkers et Madame Clairetta et bon anniversaire etc etc.

***NEWS FLASH***
I have decided to launch a series of blog posts based on the letters of the alphabet. I need all the procrastinatory inspiration I can get until a new and better job comes along - Derek the Inspiration Hawk is on holiday for an indefinite period.

Numero Uno:

A is for Asparagus:

I have never had asparagus and have always wondered if I should try it. Apparently it is an aphrodisiac but I'm not so sure as it looks like a prettier version of celery to me, and celery is not something I find even remotely arousing.

A is for Aunties:

My brother with Mad Aunt Gertrude on Christmas Day

One of my aunties has an asbo but the rest are ok. Mad Aunt Gertrude especially noted for her ability to take up trousers and for household advice. And for big pants at Christmas.

A is for Alan Partridge :D

I know a cracking owl sanctuary

A is for Antennapedia (or why I chose to do Biol Sci for my degree :)) :

Legs as antennae! CRAZINESS!!!

Ah, the joys of biology...

A is for Allosaurus and Andi Peters:

Allosaurus

Andi Peters

What a winning combination that would be.

Someone's just given me some work to do. I'm off to throttle them as I don't want to miss lunch at 1.

Poetry Corner with Derek the Inspiration Hawk

2007-01-01T17:24:00.000Z

Hello.

Look! A poem.

"Derek the Inspiration Hawk"
by A Plastic Dog

Hark! It's a hawk.
Squalk.
Pork.
Tapping at my window like a biscuit on a fork.

Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap
Rap, rap, rap, rap, rap, rap, rap (for the hawk liked Eminem)
Spake the hawk unto my ear
The following for me to hear:

"Here's your inspiration, chuck.
Put it in your blogging book.
Spaniel, dachshund, collie, greyhound
Locust, parsnip, lettuce, muck."

And with that the hawk, he left
All at once I felt bereft
The hawk that took away my pain
Buggered off into the rain

NEVER TO RETURN AGAIN!

Alas, alack, my egg was cracked
A thousand pigeon workers sacked
And so my story dies its death
Like that Emmerdale guy called Seth

And a song and quote by Christopher Bate:

"Hugo Myatt's got a bum" (repeat to fade)

"Sometimes you need to cry
Sometimes you need to be sick
And sometimes you just need a big poo"

La la la la la la la la lalalalalaaaa la laa laa laaaaaa

2006-12-25T20:03:00.000Z

--> That was my rendition of "Deck the Halls", the popular Christmas ditty. I do hope you enjoyed it. I have been rehearsing all day.

Yes anyway. So, tis Christmas and that. WOOOOOOOOOOOO! I have had several thousand presents (divided by 100 = 10s of presents) and they were all very nice. Well, I say all. I had the usual big pants from my aunt but they are always useful for... well, dusters... hmm... But she also bought me some rather wondrous fluffy multicoloured socks. I like fluffy socks. They are fluffy.

I also got an IPod, loads of Ruby and Millie make up, some Eddie Izzard (a DVD, not a physical chunk of the man himself), a few CDs, clothes, some Kylie perfume (oh, my parents are hilarious, but it does smell nice) and other stuff of immense joy. Yay! I love Christmas! I have taken many photos of pigs in blankets (not literally), my outstanding table laying skills and Jesus and Jesus in various poses. I will put them on Facebook and maybe Blogger when I have time.

I have prettified my blog! I still need to change the colours but I will do so when I have time. Which will probably be when I'm back at work. Ha. It's great having your own office with nothing to do :)

Here is a small poem/carol to keep you going:

Jesus
Jesus
Jesus
Jesus
BONG
BONG
BONG
BONG
Jesus
Jesus
Jesus
Jesus
SONG
SONG
SING
SONG

Jesus is our friend, Jesus till the end!
Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala
FUNKY ROTTWEILER!!!!!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! (Repeat to fade)

Happity Christmas everyone!

Shhhh...

2006-12-13T09:43:00.000Z

I'm at work so I really shouldn't be blogging. Never mind eh? It was an accident. I blame the Evil Pink Dog staring at me from beside my monitor.

Soooo... I have a new job! I have my own little office. Here is me looking scared in said room with Evil Pink Dog staring menacingly over my shoulder:

I have gone from chatting to nice student types about their money problems and making small paper hats out of cheques to taking orders from scary lecturer blokeys and organising a conference at very short notice with no conference (or other!) organisation skills whatsoever :S *shakes with fear*

AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Still, all the other admin people are nice and always invite me for tea and biscuits in their building. For they are in a separate building altogether and I am here on my lonesome. Weepity weep. I have my Maltesers advent calendar and Disco Jesus to keep me company though. Today's advent calendar door says "The first Malteser ball was born in 1936", which has put a worrying image in my mind of a situation with some kind of pregnant mammalian chocolate creature and a celery midwife using candy canes as forceps *whimper*. Not even chocolate can help me!

Oh listen to me babbling. I'm so very bored. Look at that man with that banana

P.S. Does anyone know how I can get the "About me"/Links etc section back to its rightful position? I know usually it ends up at the bottom if you post a picture that's too big, but I haven't! Any help would be muchos appreciated. Merci x

My wonderful Welsh family

2006-12-07T23:31:00.000Z

I didn't post much before because I only felt able to blog when I had an idea for a post in mind. This was quite a rare occurrence. Why I do not know, when you consider this little gem of an anecdote...

I have family in Rhondda, South Wales. My grandma on my mum's side of the family married a Welshman, they had seven kids and lived happily ever after on the side of a big green mountain. Well, my granddad died in 1991 but my grandma is still living happily in the same house on the side of the same big green mountain. It's a bugger to get to, particularly if you're the travel-sick-y type like me. My mum swears that you can see my grandma standing outside her house on Google Earth. Anyway my mum and one of her brothers now live in my hometown of Leicester, and her only sister lives on the banks of Inverness. They saved themselves while they could. My other four uncles still live in Wales. Let's just say that particular area seems to be something of a bad influence on its inhabitants. I'll call it the Curse of the Valleys, or the Curse of the Big Green Mountain, if you'd prefer.

Take, for instance, my Uncle Robert and his wife. I was going to write a short paragraph of explanation here but

1. I have to go to bed as I have a job interview tomorrow morning

and

2. THIS explains itself :D (if my mum finds out I've done this she'll go crazy. Oh well.)

God knows what I'd have turned out like if my mum had stayed on that Big Green Mountain. Heehee.

I'm back...

2006-12-06T19:02:00.000Z

...with more inspiration than ever before! I have a new and wonderful muse who has inspired me to metaphorically get off my arse and start blogging again. Metaphorically, not literally, because to be honest, the fact that my boyfriend lives in a different part of the country is keeping me sitting at my computer for much longer than is healthy. What the hell, I don't care. His messages make me very happy and keep me sane. It takes a lot to keep me sane (see previous post) so he is doing very well indeed. *Pats Chris on the back and gives him a very nice biscuit*

I'm also aware that too much sanity is a very, very harmful thing. So here I go again...

The most recent job advert posted by my temping agency made me laugh for quite some time:

A radio station based in Coventry are looking to recruit 3 Promotional People to work on Saturday 6th, Monday 11th, Tuesday 12th, Wednesday 13th and Thursday 14th December.
1 person will be required to dress up as a Christmas Pudding and the other 2 people will act as escorts for the pudding.
You will be working as part of their Christmas competition. You will walk around Coventry town centre and members of the public will approach the pudding and tell them a joke. If the pudding laughs at the joke then the member of public will win tickets to a show.

Tis good, yes? I think so. I would make an excellent pudding. I would scare the children and make up some kind of pudding-like dance and everything. I'm a grafter, me. A big, pudding-shaped grafter.
Hmm maybe not.

The Story of Jon Chappell

2006-08-31T23:08:00.000+01:00

As you are no doubt aware, our good friend Jonathan Carl Chappelllellelelleeellelelle is soon to bugger off to China for a year. May Jesus rest his soul and give him the strength to learn to fly with the Chinese otters of success. Here is a biographical epic that I have penned for the occasion. And all because the lady loves it really. Jonathan Chappell, THIS IS YOUR LIFE...

Jonathan Carl Petunia Scrotum Chappell was born on 1 January (like all horses) (not that he is a horse, that's not what I'm trying to say) in 1997 at Nuttal Memorial Hospital, Kingston, Jamaica to Barbara and Kenneth Chappell - best known for a series of tribute dolls in their image popular in the late 50s.

The happy couple were later shot dead and little Jon was parented by the wolves for several years before he was taken in by those he now calls his parents, who discovered him while out wolf shopping on holiday when Jon was 7.

At an early age - well it's still early I know, but earlier than now - Jon found that he had within him a burning passion to dance. Scottish reels, line dancing, just jumping up and down, you name it, Jon did it. Horace, his kind wolf-mother-guardian-thing, took time out of her busy career as a nail technician to take Jon to his daily dance classes in the ocean where Jon danced the night away with his fellow dance enthusiast animal friends. Every available minute was spent in the water, explaining Jon's development of a fine set of (invisible) gills and fins and his unfortunate lack of ability to dance on dry land.

However, dancing was not his only passion...

One day, our Chappellular friend found that he was looking at the world in a different light. "Why do we have nail cuticles?" he pondered. "Why don't you ever see a monkey having a period?" Horace was of course unable to provide suitable answers to these questions, leaving Jon frustrated and hungry for further knowledge. Jon knew that he was onto something.

The wolves were overjoyed when they heard the news that Jon was applying for a batchelors' degree in Lupine Philosophy at the University of Warwick, and up until the successful completion of his course Jon was sponsored by The Jamaican Wolf Child Institute for Pointless Degrees. Don't try and argue with that Jon, I've seen your records at work :). When the Institute compared the two main first degrees available from Warwick's Philosophy department (BA Bog-Standard Philosophy and BA Lupine Philosophy), Lupine Philosophy was deemed "too relevant" to human life and as such Jon's sponsor insisted that he take the first of the two options. Which he did, although reluctantly. And what a life choice it was, for it was while studying at Warwick that Jon learned that time goes forward and not backwards as he had once believed.

Today, at the young whippersnapper age of 9, CoOp sales assistants nationwide are still asking to see Jon's photograph and life history in the form of his passport. This surely can only be down to the joy they feel when reminded of his amazing story. The happiness exhibited in Jon's expression when such individuals decline alcohol on the basis that it is not worthy to pass through His hands is quite something to behold, and an experience few of us will forget in a hurry.

BEHOLD, JONATHAN CARL CHAPPELL AND HIS LIFE OF WONDER!

(Can we have the Gamecube back please? You won't have time to play it in China ;).)

Yet another poem about animals...

2006-06-11T03:19:00.000+01:00

Dog
Hog
Frog
Mog

Monkey

Fish
Squish(ed) fish

Gnu

Phew

My bum is wet

2006-06-04T00:28:00.000+01:00

Against all my better judgement, I have been on the rapids at the fair AGAIN. This was over four hours ago and my bum is still wet. Also due to Johnson's Holiday Skin my arms are like those of an albino zebra after one application. *Thinks* Zebras with arms, good or bad? ARGH, ZEBRAS WITH ARMS!!! ZEBRAS ABLE TO CHEW GRASS, AND THROW GRENADES!!! VERY, VERY BAD! *Blocks said animals from memory to minimize emotional scarring*

Phew.

Well I was going to make this post longer, but I have decided that I have forgotten what I was going to say. So there.

Oh the bitter pill of self-delusion (a poem inspired by Kate Bush and others)

2006-06-01T22:45:00.000+01:00

We all love trees
We don't love fleas
We all love cheese
We don't like peas

Please, oh please
We cannot choose
Between an egg

and pointy shoes

You make us die
You make us cry
Blah blah blah fly
And blah blah Pi

3.1415926
53589793
23846264
33832795
02884197
16939937
51058209
74944592
30781640
62862089
98628034
82534211
70679821
48086513
28230664
70938446
09550582
23172535
94081284
81117450
28410270
193852110...

*Sigh*

My oh my! You make a lie! Why, oh why? WHY, WHY, WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?!

WHY?

WHY?

WHY?

Rye is why.

OH YES.

Now die.

Or become bi (if you are not already).

Or dry (your clothes, or your hair, both of which may have just been washed).

Or fry SOME EGGS.

But all of it is ultimately pointless

Off we slide into the Comatic Land of Doom. Mushroom.

By the way...

2006-05-23T20:32:00.000+01:00

I know the pictures have fucked up the layout of my blog, so don't bother telling me. Unless you know how to change it.

Also a new poll to follow soon when I'm particularly bored of telling finalists they can't graduate until they've cleared their debts tomorrow.

Plastic Dog xxx

Joyous joy of joys

2006-05-23T19:11:00.000+01:00

A new post. MY BLOG HAS RISEN FROM THE ASHES LIKE A PHOENIX OF DEATH. I think Jesus and his monkey slaves must have something to do with it.

Speaking of Jesus and his monkey, look what I just found by typing "jesus monkey" into Google Image Search:

Sadly, the monkey has taken this image back to his lair :(

BUY IT FOR ME NOW PLEASE

I forgot how wonderful image posting was! I've missed my blog! Maybe I will go overboard and post more images. Watch me go, Mr Salamander...

I never knew there were so many Jesus-monkey-related images out there

Look it is a parsnip

A/some (?) celeriac

An axolotl in a suit

A murderous Irish TV presenter in a suit stolen from a suspiciously dead pilot

Your mum (apparently)

I want pizza you taunting bastards!

I'll leave it there and go to Sainsbury's. I would just like to add though that I hate Jon and Matt and will find my revenge in the near future. Death to you both!!!

Shamefully late update

2005-12-05T17:04:00.000Z

I've been bad and not updated for weeks, I know (sorry). I am putting it down to not working for Prof Coffee any longer, and therefore not being able to spend all day on t'internet looking at www.bored.com, www.rathergood.com, www.drawapig.com etc. Poor Coffee still has no PA, muahahahahaha. Well anyway, I am now in the Resources Room, which means I am at a computer, and have internet access, and all is well with the world. Hello! Happy Christmas! Do they let you use Paint for pointless blog drawings in the Resources Room? There's only one way to find out...

So, I'm moving out of Stanway Road on Friday as my lodgees don't need a lodger any more. They have made a grave mistake! Look at the photographic(ish) evidence of my room before, during and after my living there:

The fire may have something to do with the candles in the previous picture. Of course it will be entirely accidental ;).

Ok so that was just an excuse to draw pretty (ahem) pictures. I'm bored! The Xanana's social, Wind Orchestra and Top B have all abandoned me for four weeks!!! FOUR WEEKS! I've been in the Resources Room for about 2 1/2 hours now, and I'm very surprised they haven't chucked me out...

I guess I should make some effort to go home now. Au revoir mes petits cochons d'inde :D

Shhhhh

2005-10-14T14:31:00.000+01:00

I've been taken captive by an expert on coffee. They lock me into a room in a building filled with crazy ladies who use bumbags as handbags, Patsy Stone and Jimmy Saville. They feed me on cheese and potatoes and water. In some kind of strange sleep-deprivation-torture-esque way they wait until I am about to write a blog entry and immediately make walking-past-my-room noises so I have to minimise the window. I need mindless internet surfing! Comment me your phone number and I'll call you back from my work phone to arrange my escape, you'll know it's me by the call phrase "Switchboard? I'm calling from the CSRI, we don't have intranet access to get extension numbers ourselves, give me the number for Tony Partridge, PLEEEEASE DON'T HANG UP ON ME AND TELL ME TO LOOK ON THE INTRANET!" - tis a common phrase round these dungeons so nobody will suspect a thing. You won't have access to this secret annex of the Clinical Sciences Building but I'll pass my ID card under the door as arranged and this will should work. Just help me, somebody. Please, before Professor Coffee removes my heart for medical research.

Translation: Interviews for the new PA took place today. Nobody, not even the present receptionist with a knowledge of the building and people and experience of covering for his colleagues' PAs, was given the job. Meaning I will probably have the job for more than 1-2 months. Oh yay.

Important date for your diary

2005-10-13T12:00:00.000+01:00

20th October = Uterus Day

(according to a leaflet I found lying around in the photocopier room).

Remember it

Oh look, a map of Gibbet Hill which I found on my computer.

It appears that Jesus has hacked into the system at the Clinical Sciences Research Insitute, Clinical Sciences Building, Clifford Bridge Road, COVENTRY, CV2 2DX with his pet sheep Derek, and named the area according to his favourite words. Ooh he is a one, that Jesus. Perhaps I will not tell Professor Coffee. Perhaps I will simply delete the picture and show Jesus once and for all that it is just not on.

For now, I will leave you with a link to a picture of a cat eating a sausage.

The Perculiarities of Time

2005-10-11T15:57:00.000+01:00

It is days like these when I really feel that I have earned the full £2 an hour that I am paid. Yesterday went strangely quickly, which was nice. However, today has gone generally slowly, with the exception of the last half hour, which has squizzled into nothing - ah, the wonders of Pacman. I get to go home in 27 minutes, hurrah! Well, officially it would be in 55 minutes, but the Professor (according to his diary) is at a "hypertension clinic, Coventry and Warwickshire Hospital" and thus will have no work for me to do. Oh what a great great shame.

When I say I have no work to do, I am really lying, for I could go downstairs to see Evil Jimmy Saville and get some stuff from the stationary stores. However, although I'm sure he will Fix It For Me I don't think he will do so in the same way as the real Monsieur Saville. Hence the name.

Anyway the above two paragraphs were just an introduction to my main thought of the day:

I think it would be wonderful if vegetables had faces, then they could eat things.

The end.

The Animal Kingdom

2005-10-07T13:24:00.000+01:00

"The Animal Kingdom" by Kylie Posnett

I like donkeys
I like wolves
I like pandas
I like squirrels
I like chickens
When they hatch
I like pickled dingos

But I hate ponies with a passion
People who ridicule snakes, now they really get my goat
You would think I'd take advantage of the fact that "goat" rhymes with "stoat"

But no.

For this is a poem that only occasionally rhymes
And rather an intelligent one at that
Lalalalalalaaaaaa
Bob Monkhouse, Jim Bowen, Roy Walker, cat

The Animal Kingdom is very big
Much, much larger than a fig
If you were to tell some workmen to dig
A hole big enough to fit the Animal Kingdom intoig
They wouldn't be able to make it big
Enoughig

Animals, animals, woo woo woo
Very much like God's own poo
Which is a good thing, don't you knoo?
Let's finish with a word like "zoo"

Beware the blog that has no ears!

2005-10-06T11:23:00.000+01:00

I have made the decision that this is not another of my "I will post more often from now on, honest" posts. As they clearly don't work :). I have, however, been incredibly underworked recently (and overpaid, but let's not dwell on that as it is unarguably a rather lovely thing) so I may post much more regularly from now on. And look, my blog is scarily different! Hurrah! It is pretty and green, like some snot moulded into a tiny singing hedgehog.

Since my last post, I have been freed from the Warwick Accommodation Pit of Ming (TM) and as of Monday 26th September have been working as a PA/Secretary for Professor Francesco Cappuccio of the new Clinical Sciences Research Institute of Warwick Medical School, based at Walsgrave Hospital. "Snigger!" I hear you... erm... snigger, "Our Kylie (as you are all Liverpudlians), a PA?! She can't even brush a vole's fur without removing all of its hair!" And you would not be wrong. Also I have been punished accordingly for the vole thing, so please leave me in peace as regards that.

Now, Prof Cappuccino (as he will be referred to from now on) is part of a new group of learned individuals involved in research on... hearty blood pressure... stuff... oh I don't know, I'm not a biologist. Look at his page, and more importantly, my name - no dodgy emails though, or you die, and I lose my job, and they really couldn't do without my superb PA skills as you can imagine. Yes anyway the group is new, and consists of Prof Coffee and another lecturer, Michelle Margaret Manhattan Mole Monkey Madness Miller. That's right, two people. As a result, I have absolutely no work to do and have been driven to entertain myself in any way possible in a pokey office containing nothing but a desk, phone, computer and me. Ahem. So, the past two weeks have been taken up by the following: -

looking at the BBC website and reading about a new species of tarantula they've discovered in Newquay
challenging myself to find the end of my sellotape (which I will call "Franz") in record time. As you can imagine this is becoming increasingly hard and is taking up less and less time.
looking at the BBC website and retaking the Test the Nation tests
disassembling my pen
looking at the BBC website and gasping in awe at the new BBC Weather Photo of the Week. This can only be done once a week.
reassembling my pen
going to www.boredatwork.com, which I found whilst typing random but appropriate phrases between "www." and ".com"
going to the BBC website and immediately closing the page
starting a blog entry and closing the window to display my emails every time I hear signs of life in the corridor outside my office. Hence the time it is taking for me to write this entry - it is now 12:05pm...
looking in the mirror to see whether I am Jesus Christ. This needs to be done regularly.
exploring the many possibilities for my journey home using any one of a huge selection of TWM buses
playing with my ID badge (it pings back!)
lining the door with cheese to lure hungry gerbils looking for a chat

If you can think of any more ideas, please let me know.

I am going to go now, but I have a strong feeling I'll be blogging again later today. For now I will leave you with some new exciting links (see sidebar). I particularly enjoy the lettuce in "Food with Faces". Hurrah and huroo.

Good afternoon, Warwick Accommodation...

2005-07-31T14:46:00.000+01:00

My blogging resolution did not work. However I am back, with an update on my ELECTRIFYING life. You may notice some strange choices of word here. I have decided that I have been using certain words (exciting, hurrah, woohoo and wow) far too much, so in another of my ongoing efforts to put "improve me" resolutions into practise, I am going to use the Microsoft Word (TM) Thesaurus as I construct this entry.

I am currently listening to the soundtrack to

which has been a rare occurrence lately; however, I have just returned from Alex's in Rob's car, while listening to Elaine Paige's top 10 musical programme thing on Radio 2, which put me in a musical mood. With such tremendously witty lyrics as:

"ROSALIA: When I will go back to San Juan.

ANITA: When you will shut up and get gone?

ROSALIA: Everyone there will give big cheer!

ANITA: Everyone there will have moved here!" (from "America")

why was it not even in the Top 10?! I hate Elaine Paige. She is a bitch. I would like to spike her drinks with poo.

I watched "Dirty Dancing" for the second time ever the other day. I came to the conclusion that I will never be attracted to Patrick Swayze, as he mings. That is all I have to say about the film.

I have begun my summer job at Warwick Accommodation. It is messing with my mind. Not only do I greet everyone I know with "Good morning/afternoon, Warwick Accommodation", but I wake up at 3am regularly in a cold sweat having nightmare-d about being chased by hoards of prospective students wanting to sacrifice me in voodoo rituals because I could not provide them with "the 39-week let on-campus ensuite accommodation that is so important to international students". I find myself rocking backwards and forwards in my chair answering imaginary emails as described below:

"Dear Bobolinia,

Unfortunately we do not allow students' relatives to stay in off-campus accommodation during term time, but I have attached a document containing details of landlords offering short term lets (the B-list). Hope this helps.

Regards,

Kylie"

and then... brace yourself for real terror... sending the email without attaching the B-list!!! It really doesn't bear thinking about. I need to get out of this job, and soon.

So... I have decided to become a hospital dogsbody. I will be sending my CV to them shortly.

"My father is a bastard,

My ma's an S.O.B.

My grandpa's always plastered,

My grandma pushes tea.

My sister wears a mustache,

My brother wears a dress.

Goodness gracious, that's why I'm a mess!"

Oh Mr Sondheim, you are quite the wit.

New career move

2005-06-14T15:05:00.000+01:00

Having been "unsuccessful" in my application to start a Warwick PGCE next year, I am reconsidering my career options. This is a whole new exciting opportunity for me, so I am thinking very carefully about a wide range of potential jobs. Here are a few of my ideas so far:

1. Badger Catcher

2. Toad's Hat Manufacturer (what a fantastic hat)

3. Santa Claus

(Insert picture of Nick Mann here).

4. Pat (Rosie and Jim's barge driver)

5. Mr Sandman

6. Handlebar Moustache Groomer

7. Panda

8. Sycamore Seed

9. Kazooist

10. Poncho Saleswoman

The above options prove that the world is very much my oyster. So all is well.

I hereby declare a post-exam blogging resolution

2005-06-09T17:18:00.000+01:00

I have decided to post regularly on my blog now that my final year project (and degree, woohoo!) is over. And you'd better have started reading it again or I will be so angry that steam will start coming out of my ears, like in cartoons and such. Then you'd feel guilty. And perhaps a little scared.

Here is a poem I have written about the evils of marzipan:

Marzipan

You have a squidgy texture, and are usually a creamy yellow colour.
But worst of all, you are MARZIPAN,
Which means you taste of almonds.

Almonds are the worst of all the nuts
I really think they spoil the huts
Of people who live in such abodes
And like to make Batternbergs loads and loads

Marzipan, marzipan, woo woo woo.
Very much like almonds' poo,
Which is a bad thing, don't you knoo?

I hate you.

I do hope you like it. I may write more poems about my hatred of certain foods - I think I have a lot of experiences to draw from.

Googlewhack fun (oh and hurrah I'm back)

2005-05-02T13:13:00.000+01:00

HOW ARE THERE 241 RESULTS IN GOOGLE FOR "MICROCHIP CHEESECLOTH?!"

It appears that microchips are used to produce tofu, which has links with cheesecloth. "Pickle electrophoresis" has 570 results. More worryingly, "hamster electrophoresis" has "about 113 000" results, and "arse electrophoresis" about 22 500. Maybe electrophoresis is not the way to go, I think. "Exclusionary poo" has "about 15 200"!!!!!!! I despair, I really do.

Google whacking makes the world seem tres bizarre.

Shoehorn

2005-04-05T19:24:00.000+01:00

You are all very strange people...

My friends would really like to call me: is buckle.
See what your friends would really like to call you today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Name Generator Generator.

Hyeeeeeeees.

I nearly just drank a lit pillar candle instead of my drink - senile dementia setting in.

I really am trying to use my time productively. Which is scary seeing as my "day of work" has so far consisted of the following:

8:30am Alarm wakes me up. Turn off alarm "for another couple of hours."
10:30am Alarm wakes me up. Decide am still too tired. Turn off alarm for another hour.
11:30am Alarm wakes me up.
11:45am Get up. Think about getting ready within the next three hours or so. So can start to work, maybe even in the library (shock horror). Shower and get dressed.
12pm Begin to write monster pointless post on Pride forum.
1pm Receive text from Phlib: "Hey. Will be in the Music Centre for the next couple of hours if you wanted to practise" - immediately forget plans about work - loitering opportunity! Text Phil back to say will be there in 45 minutes.
2pm Get to practise rooms. Practise the bassline of music from "The Piano" for 2 hours.
4pm Decide left little finger has had enough of bassline. By coincidence Phlibib has also finished in practise rooms, I assume with his left hand tired of the bassline from "The Entertainer".
4:15pm Get to bus stop on campus. Notice a lack of buses till 4:28pm. Loiter in Xananas with FAKE BUT STILL £1.20 ORANGE JUICE grrrrrrrr.
4:28pm Miss bus so race on camel-back to Earlson.
5pm Home - Stare at computer screen for a while after having checked emails four times. Remember I have work to do. Interesting that. Stare at computer screen some more, until...
6pm Make dinner. McCain Pizza Fingers (cheese and ham), baked potato and beans. Yes I am a 7-year-old child.
6:20pm Eat dinner.
6:30pm Watch "Doctor Who" with Alex and Phil. Will work afterwards.
7:24pm Come upstairs to work. After checking emails five times. And blogging. Oh and checking is there is some way of creating an exciting new MSN name by putting "generator" into Google (which there is).
8pm Battle a herd of invading badgers using parsnips, their biggest enemies. N.B. This is a prediction. It is only 7:56pm.

Yes so my finals are in less than two weeks. Time to tidy my room methinks...

To the Grand High Badger

2005-03-30T20:38:00.000+01:00

Grand High Badger

Badgers Incorporated

Maybe-a-rodent-I'm-not-sure Drive

Badgerville Industrial Park

Badgerville

Badgerworld

Dear Grand High Badger,

I arrived at my father's approximately an hour ago specifically so that I could chat to people (not badgers) on MSN for a short while. Imagine my dismay to find that MSN was not allowing me to connect! I pressed "help" and found that the service was "not available". Usually I would put this down to MSN being unavailable, but recently I have noticed that I am hearing rather more growly noises and seeing rather more strangely badger-like pawprints around the streets of Leicester. Intriguing.

What is more, earlier today my brother went to get a towel out of the airing cupboard and out flew a "bee". Only it was a very big bee. Very big. And it was "buzzing" (or perhaps, Mr Grand High Badger, "GROWLING?!") very loudly. I put it to you, so-called "GHB", that this was not a bee, but a FLYING BADGER planted there to kill me off once and for all. It has not escaped my attention that the acronym of your title is an anagram of "GBH". And it is nearly "GHD", like the range of hair products.

The evidence is mounting in my favour. My phone has died, meaning that I lose all of my pictures and videos of unsuspecting victims talking about Jesus and miming sexual practises. I noticed that several of these pictures showed badgers in the background - COINCIDENCE???! Strange that these pieces of vital evidence should suddenly be unobtainable. Also the straw to my orange juice carton broke yesterday, preventing me from drinking essential orange juice and causing me to nearly die. COINCIDENCE???! I think not.

If I were you, GHB, I would seriously consider withdrawing your badgers from my life and targeting someone who deserves it, Mr Motivator perhaps. Either that or you will be hearing from my lawyers. Or my fish Bob. I don't know which. I haven't decided yet. But sort it - and soon.

Yours sincerely

Kylie Posnett
Badgerwatch

My exciting life since being home

2005-03-28T16:10:00.000+01:00

Well, what can I say? I have had the most eventful of weekends. On Saturday, I went badger racing with Bob the Rainbow Trout. My badger, Stan Weaselfact, came third. Being a fish, and so having no money, Bob did not have a badger. Of course I would have loved for Stan to have won, but he was feeling slightly under the weather what with the copious alcohol consumption the night before and the flu he caught from Bob Carolgees. I've changed his trainer recently too so hopefully his technique will improve no end in the near future.

After the badger racing, I took Bob shopping on Fosse Park in Leicester to buy him a twinset. Then we went for a KFC where he had a Twister meal and I had a Crispy Strips meal. All this meant we missed the Stars in their Eyes Live Grand Final but you can't do everything.

Yesterday I force-fed Bob chocolate eggs through his stupid little fishy mouth. He didn't have time to chew and digest the food so he was left with pointy shapes protruding from his body from the pieces of broken egg. One of them punctured his skin so we had to take him to casualty. He had a few stitches but he is ok now. It clearly didn't leave enough time for much else that day so I put him to bed and watched "Most Haunted - Scare the Nation" from 10pm-1am. It's probably a good thing he was in bed at the time actually - usually when he watches Most Haunted with me he ends up levitating, shouting "WoooooooOOOOOOOAAAAAAHHHHHHH" and flying across the room, sometimes into nextdoor's front room if the windows are open. I find repeating "The power of Christ compels you" solves the problem, but you know, it's still a bit of an inconvenience when it happens all the same.

Today I am setting up a new religion called Wristianity. The main figure of worship will be Xod, who had a son called Geesus Wrist. There was this giant gerbil, who had previously frozen while doing star jumps thus remaining in a cross shape. Geesus Wrist jumped on the frozen gerbil when he wanted a hug and got stuck because of the ice, according to the Wible that is.

That was my weekend. Ish.

Haldo...

2005-03-24T12:09:00.000Z

http://homestarrunner.com/disk4of12.html

I am back! Since I have last posted, I am sure most of (the two of) you will know that I have been doing a school placement in Leamington this week. What you also now know, seeing as I will be likely to have told you in person by the time you read this, is that I should be there now. And I should have been there yesterday. Yes, I am a terrible person. But while yesterday I was mainly being lazy, today I actually do feel quite ill. Despite this, I got up at 6:45 and got ready on time and everything, then I left the house (early I hasten to add) and the bus was just leaving the bus stop! I blame the badgers for that one.

So, I did think, "I will be too late for the first lesson. I will catch the bus in an hour for the second lesson." Guess what? THOSE DAMN BADGERS!!! I swear it was the Grand High Badger drivng the second Leamington bus out of my reach, growling as he went, like this: "GRRRRRRRRR." Seeing as it was only a three-lesson day today, I thought it would be stupid to do the hour journey to Sydenham, spend what would be 45 minutes in a lesson, and travel for an hour back to campus. Stupid. Instead I think I will call them after Easter and arrange to spend a few more days there post-finals.

Anyway must go, if I don't eat soon I think I might just faint. I will post more on my school experiences soon I hope.

Le Boomerang xxx

Hmmmm

2005-03-10T14:57:00.000Z

My polls have been deleted from my Pollhost account! There's only one way to rectify that situation...

Flu of the brain

2005-03-06T22:18:00.000Z

Anyone know of a nearby big field where I can go and scream?

Playing badminton with chipmunks

2005-03-02T23:27:00.000Z

Wahey, we just got back from badminton, or negativepottery as I like to call it. Twas beaucoup de fun. As was the Pride quiz at Kelsey's last night - we came second, woohoo! Weehead Bear now has pride (hoho) of place on one of the speakers in our living room, so everyone will know that we are the (second) best. We only came second because WASS cheated (please don't stab me to death Carl ;-)). Yes anyway it was very entertaining, and pretty barmen too, what more could I ask for?

I have to go to to a school in North Leamington tomorrow for a day of lesson observations. Scary thought. I imagine the pupils to be something like this:

Hopefully they will not pounce on me like rabid fish. Who knows what will happen? Woooooooooooooo. Everyone must come to Bows tomorrow to help me get over what is sure to be a day of trauma :-D since we will be Ciaran and Phil down.

I really do like badgers, and Damien Rice.

A story

2005-02-23T12:36:00.000Z

Once there was a tired person called Lylie. One day she was very tired and bored and just did not know what to do, so she decided to write a story about someone completely unrelated to keep herself occupied. It was snowing so she couldn't be bothered to walk away from Bibbet Lill to see if there would be any of her friends eating lunch on Lentil Kampus - it was cold and she had tried to do that before but there was never anyone there on a Wednesday. Also, she was about to get free (if disgusting) food from a meeting at Bibbet Lill which would allow money saving cunningness. "INTRIGUING!!!" she thought. Then she realised it was 12:54 and time to go to the meeting, so she signed off from Frogger, her webfrog supplier thingy, and went away until probably Friday which was her friend Rearan's birthday.

The end.

Business!

2005-02-20T17:48:00.000Z

In the busy sense of the word. I have sooo many things to do this week. I am sure you are expecting me to explain. I know how much you people(/person) love to hear about me and my life and all its excitement, of which there is loads. Absolutely tons. Sometimes I think my life is just so exciting it could fill a huge container for excitement, the biggest you could buy, and it would just explode with all the excitement. So, here goes.

Tomorrow: lectures, Xananas and Wind Orchestra concert (woohoo) followed hopefully by the Uppermost of Yellow Fruits. Busy busy busy. Like a bee (which incidentally I hate) or a very busy business child.

I am growing very fond of posting pictures. Anyway.

Tuesday: ok nowt except lectures. Let's call it the day of suspense leading up to subsequent days of excitement. A day of subdued excitement if you will.

Wednesday: Lectures and SSLC! I haven't been to SSLC since the 1st meeting of last term hehehe. Oh and Clarinet Choir and Octet too. I am soooo musical I think I might be a musical cockroach.

Thursday: Lectures. Hopefully followed by the arrival of my cousin Laura, who will come to Bows and NOT the BDSM talk ;-) and stay for Ciaran's day of birth.
Friday: My last day of Biol Sci lectures ever! And Clarinet Choir lunchtime concert at University House. And National Ciaran Day, hurrah! www.ciarannaked.com

Yes so in conclusion I have no time for work and will probably fail my final year project miserably. Oh well never mind eh. Socialising is far more important. Am I not the biggest party animal ever?

My insect experiences

2005-02-19T01:45:00.000Z

Today I have spent some time thinking about insects. Some insects are good, and some insects are bad. Here I will detail past experiences that have led me to want to adopt some insects, and the ways in which I have terminated the lives of other insects that I consider(ed) irritating or EVIL in some way.

Ants

Ants eh? I spent a small proportion of my childhood drowning ants en masse with mon frere. This was in the days of setting up a Grand National course (buckets, washing line poles propped against a wall as fences, those were the days) in the garden on Grand National day and galloping/tripping over the various obstacles before betting all our pocket money on horses that fell at the first fence. Hmmm. Then one day I realised drowning ants was wrong, and stopped.

Silverfish

Why are they called this? Because they are very small fish with legs, that is why. You would think therefore that I would love this particular species of insect, but no! The only place I have ever seen a silverfish is in my bed, and fish do not belong in beds. They belong in ponds and in the sea. I have never killed a silverfish as they run very quickly but if I could i would destroy them all with tiny cotton thread nooses in a large-scale silverfish-hanging ceremony.

Ladybirds

The friendliest beetle of them all. When I was in nursery I was doing a project on "minibeasts" and I wrote about a ladybird I saw in the post office. It was licking stamps for a lady with a genetic inability to produce saliva, how nice is that? I love ladybirds. What's that, your ladybird has died? I've got a ladybird. I don't know what I would do without my ladybird.

Bluebottles, wasps, moths and bees

DIE!!!!!!!!

Drosophila (melanogaster)

We have a love-hate relationship. They have disgusting larvae. I will never quite forget the joy(!) of watching the larval guts explode through a microscope while pulling one apart using two pairs of forceps. However, it is the only insect I have ever been able to observe with an extra pair of legs instead of antennae (as a mutation, not in a normal fly, silly), and for that I am truly grateful.

Locusts

After a dissection experiment all I can think about when the name "locust" is mentioned is the sight of an open-chested, beheaded locust still hopping on the lab bench.

Yay for picture posting!

So there you have it. Insects. Wahey.

Now that's what I call a birthday present...

2005-02-16T12:54:00.000Z

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh.

Ok I'm in trouble

2005-02-15T12:33:00.000Z

My project supervisor is the most evil person I've ever met! I sent her an email saying "I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing this term, can you tell me what deadlines I have to meet please?" and we arranged to meet this lunchtime. She was so nasty to me! The first thing she said was:

"You ask me do you have to do anything this term? OF COURSE YOU DO! What were you thinking?"

Then I cowered in the corner like a... chicken and she proceeded to explain why I was incompetent and was going to make a terrible job on my final year project. She said:

"Are you good at using computers?"

and I said:

"Um, not sure, I'm ok I suppose."

and then she said:

"THEN WHY DID YOU CHOOSE THIS PROJECT?!"

and with an evil evil stare she explained how difficult the project I'd chosen was going to be. She started talking about how I had to give a report of what I was going to do by the end of this term and expressed her disgust that I hadn't "read through all the blurb we give you" when I said I didn't know anything about this. They hadn't sent me anything! The bitch! All it would have taken is to tell me what I needed to do and when by, she didn't need to completely undermine my confidence in my ability to do anything related to my degree. Because that's what she has done. Damn the Vlad! She must die! Now I will go and mope and feel useless and generally rubbish. Grrrrrrrr.

Spoons

2005-02-14T00:45:00.000Z

Spoons are wonderful things. They are shiny most of the time. And made of stainless steel. But the most wonderful thing about spoons is that they can be used to eat both main courses and puddings. Wonderful, marvellous spoons.

Scary

2005-02-10T01:21:00.000Z

I have been thinking a lot more recently about how I might not be here next year. It makes me very sad :-(. I really really hope I get onto the PGCE course, I'm hoping I've not left it too late, otherwise I'll have to leave you all and I don't think I could live without the friends I've made here. I don't talk about it much because it upsets me. Boo hoo, it is not a nice thought at all! Oh well, hopefully see you at Bows tomorrow.

Experiment...

2005-02-09T13:43:00.000Z

Does this work?

If so this line will start a new paragraph.

Yay and nay

2005-02-09T11:43:00.000Z

I just got a phone call from Campion School (in Sydenham, damn it) saying I could do lesson observations there! For a week! Which means now I have enough soon-to-be experience to go on to apply for my PGCE at last! I've arranged to go in the first week of the easter holidays, so some of you people better be around then or I'll get very bored... But anyway, hurrah! Exclamation mark!

I don't know quite what's going on with my blog, it is evil. Anyway if you are looking for exciting discussion (and links to lesbian porn :-S) go to Carl's blog. It is sure to become a masterpiece.

The Archer's and Lemonade Song

2005-02-07T21:44:00.001Z

Today in Xanana's I decided there weren't enough songs about Archer's and Lemonade. There are apparently songs about pina coladas and champagne, so I thought I'd put right the wrongs in the world by writing a song (with the help of various Xanana's people including Carl and Peter), hopefully in doing so bringing world peace. It is called "The Archer's and Lemonade Song" and is sung to the tune of "Oom Pah Pah" from "Oliver!" Here it is:

I love Archer's and lemonade
I want to include the fire brigade
If I don't then I won't get paid
Because they commissioned this song.

CHORUS:
Arch-chers, Arch-chers, lemonade
Arch-chers, Arch-chers, Fire Brigade
Arch-chers, Arch-chers, I'm getting paid
To mention the fire brigade.

I like to stir it with a spoooon
It makes me feel I'm on the moooon
Which I shaln't compare to a balloooon
Because this is an overused cliche.

CHORUS

I tried to bake it in a flan
During my time as a chef in Japan
It incurred the wrath of the Emperor's gran
So I was condemned to death by cheese.

CHORUS

Drowning in cheese for many a week
They provided a salad of carrot and leek
When mixed with our drink the effects are unique
That's why I love Archer's and lemonade.

CHORUS

I think it's a Eurovision hit.

My ears hurt...

2005-02-07T13:01:00.000Z

...it really isn't fun to listen to Ciaran singing "Can't liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive if living is without yooooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuu"

The varied tastes of Cov Mansion residents

2005-02-01T21:52:00.000Z

I have been procrastinating for five hours now. I'm just too tired to do any work - yes, I should have had a nap or started doing at least some work, but I didn't. So I'm going to try and do an hour or so's work and then go to bed so I can get up early in the morn. And it will work, damn it!

Now I don't have any problems with Moulin Rouge or the Phantom of the Opera, but when you are exposed to repeats of "Come What May" and the theme from the Phantom of the Opera for weeks and weeks on end two rooms away, it does make you want to set fire to butterflies and snap the necks of cuddly kittens until the pain goes away. Alex has played nothing else for months. Except a song by Betty Boop, the Star Wars theme and the most irritating noise-for-the-sake-of-noise that I cannot put into words. Please, somebody help me before I REMOVE HIS TESTICLES WITH A MACHETE.

Nighty night x

I'm feeling all philosophical...

2005-02-01T18:15:00.000Z

I have just spent the past hour on the Warwick Blogs website - almost all of them have the most boring of names - Bob's Blog/Rumpelstiltskin's Blog etc. I am once again considering moving to Warwick Blogs, or at least doing a sideline Warwick Blog. Hmmm.

It strikes me as un peu bizarre that there are people I know who know other people I know without me knowing that they know those people. If you know what I mean. I was just thinking about the whole "six degrees of separation" thing (i.e. there is an average of six friends-of-friends-of-friends etc between you and any other person on earth). I wonder how it differs if you take Warwick students alone. Tis tres interessant to think about. Well I think it is anyway.

Damn essays. And washing up. And having both of these to do when I am tired. And the schools I've emailed asking if I can observe their lessons who rudely haven't replied at all. Oh no and now I've missed Neighbours too. And I am incredibly bored because for some reason there is nobody here! Mneh.

Oh by the way, if anyone wants me to link to them let me know - I realise my links are very out of date :-P.

Hurrah!

2005-01-31T13:46:00.000Z

In an effort to avoid working (I really must stop doing that) I have looked again at my final year project summary sheet - and it's so much better than I thought it would be! One of the exciting things is that I have to read a 200-page book about the Human Genome Project. I know. Isn't it fabulous? Well I think it is, it looks like a popular science book rather than a book written by people who are really knowledgeable about Biology, like me :-P I'm sure I'll get really sick of all the reading after a while but once I've done it I'll feel like I've achieved something, which isn't a feeling I've experienced very often on this course. Also in my 30 minute seminar it says I have to do a practical demonstration, which I didn't look into too much and thought it meant a proper lab demonstration being the silly person I am. BUT all I have to do is show people how to use the online databases. Hurrah! I'm even starting to get enthusiastic about the whole thing (this will wear off). Now I';m going to my Protein Targeting lecture. The lecturer is Caroline Quentin so I must not be late :-).

Name that shoe!

2005-01-30T19:25:00.000Z

I am procrastinating and so I have decided to name some of my shoes after characters in Neighbours.

Lyn Scully - My brown boots, because they are old and in need of a polish. And they steal from the Coffee Shop.
Sindi Watts - My pink sparkly pointy shoes, because they are girly. And because they were once a stripper in a club in Australia.
Summer/Izzy Hoyland (I couldn't decide) - My flat red shoes, because they could quite easily be worn by a young child, and they are bitches in that they cut my feet up every time I wear them. Also they were pregnant with Gus's baby but recently miscarried.
Liljana Bishop - my black boots, because they are older than they look and because they look like a racoon with long hair.
Harold Bishop - My black sandals with diamante bee because they can play the tuba and disgust everyone when they talk about sex.
Serena Bishop and Luka Dokich - My new black sequin-y shoes and my skechers, because they had an incestuous relationship together.

I invite you to name your pairs of shoes (or pair for Ciaran) after your favourite soap characters.

Confusementation and general annoyance

2005-01-26T20:36:00.000Z

I am in one of those moods where I feel like there is loads to do but I'm just too tired and drained to do it. I got my final year project sheet back today, and it looks much less suited to me than I thought it was. I think I'll find it dull and hard. That and other things. So basically, waaaaah. However, as I do not feel that a blog - well, my blog anyway - is a place for moping-like language, I will try my best not to depress you all. Who knows, it might even cheer me up.

I went to a PGCE open day yesterday and it has made me think that either of the following is true:

I am not going to get onto the course and if I do I will hate it because of the long hours and the fact that I am rubbish at standing up and talking in front of people.
I want to be a teacher and it would be really good for me to do the course because it would change me for the better as a person.

What's a penguin to do? It's madness, it's carpets, it's carpet madness! We went to this school where a lot of the Warwick PGCE lesson observations are done and they had a special room with live video footage from a nearby classroom, so we could watch what was going on in the lesson. It doesn't sound that exciting, but it was quite strange to think that could be me in about a year and a half, and watching what happened was really interesting. Oh I don't know. I wish I was a potato, then I'd have nothing at all to worry about.

A Sad Little Story

2005-01-19T13:02:00.000Z

Recent sources (that I will not mention ;-)) have led me to short story/poem writing. I.e. I am bored and supposed to be at SSLC, but let's gloss over that. So here goes...

There were once some gnus
Who loved to make shoes
They wore plastic aprons
And nothing rhymes with aprons.

They used all kinds of things
From leather to strings
So the children could play
In the garden all day
Hip hip hooray!

Everyone loved the gnus
But one day they all died.

The end.

Dilemma

2005-01-15T11:48:00.000Z

Ok so there's this chicken right, and he loves chips. In fact he would choose chips over daddy any day. He goes to this restaurant with his friends (who aren't chickens) and he really wants to get some chips. Why? Because he loves them. BUT, and here comes the dilemma, the only thing they have with chips in it is Chicken and Chips Extravaganza. There are no side orders of chips, but if he chose the Chicken and Chips Extravaganza, his friends would call him Cannibal Keith. Now bear in mind that this chicken needs chips like he needs chicken feed, which is a lot.

Does he eat the Chicken and Chips Extravaganza, risking ridicule and having to live with the knowledge that he's consumed one of his friends (cos all chickens are friends with all other chickens) or does he have pizza instead and have a terrible night out?